To really upset DH and insist DD does not go with him to spend a weekend with her revolting jezza kyle style grandparents?(133 Posts)
Namechanged as I forgot my password, but:
I joined this site at xmas time asking for advice in dealing with my incredibly rude in-laws, who were making their 10 day xmas visit even more unbearable than usual. ( particular "issues," included but were not limited too: pretending to vomit up food at the dinner table if I put vegetables on their plates, continuing to light up and smoke in the house when asked not to, graphic, loud descriptions of their sex life in front of my extended family and children, constant racist outbursts and sulking when I wouldn't provide their favourite food/ fry ups etc.)
Anyway after I eventually told them to reign in their behaviour, I got into a very upsetting argument with my MIL who made some disgusting comments about my sex life and then abused both me and my 14 year old niece over facebook, ( she told my niece she hoped she died of AIDs.)
Unsurprisingly we have not spoken since the event, and until last week they refused to speak to DH either, as in the end he sided with me over them. This complete lack of contact was rather nice, HOWEVER:
MIL has recently contacted DH to inform him that FIL has slept with a much younger neighbour, (who is also a distant cousin of DH's from his mothers side.) MIL and FIL plan to stay together, but MIL is having difficulty living in such close vicinity to the "lucky lady." She has admitted to DH that to try and persuade the woman to move, ( woman is married and has two young kids,) she has been regularly throwing open bags of rubbish into her garden, shouting at her whenever she walks past, ( including when she has children with her,) and when she (MIL,) was drunk one night earlier this week she went out and pissed in her garden. ( It goes without saying I'm mortified my children are related to her.) She has also been cautioned by the police after she slapped this woman in front of witnesses.
It is against this backdrop that DH, is being asked to go down and "mediate," for the weekend, as said family have made complaints to the council and FIL is worried they will lose their home. DH feels he should go, ( probably because the thought of his homeless parents turning up on our door is terrifying,) however they want DD to come down to "see them as they can't see her now the ginger bitch (me,) won't let them in." They have no interest in my son staying as he has a different biological father.
Now whilst I normally agree with grandparent-child bonds, and DD wouldn't miss anytime off school, I really feel this is a completely inappropriate environment to take a child into, and am refusing to let her go. DH is really upset with me however, and says whilst he knows his parents are dysfunctional and rude their not child abusers and deserve a chance to spend time with their grandchildren. He does agree it's no longer appropriate for them to come to our house.
so AIBU to say it might not inconvenience me, their not child abusers but I just don't want my child exposed to this environment>
'This is all very upsetting for DS, as although he normally has a great relationship with DH, the fact that we are only arguing about his grandparents wish to see DD and not him makes it clear that DH is not his "real," dad. So he is now crying about this as well.'
Are you playing all this out in front of your DS?
I was going to ask how old he is but I think that'd be irrelevant, it's not something you should be shouting about so he can hear is it?
Jeez they sound just lovely.
How on earth did your dh survive that childhood without ending up utterly screwed up? I agree with keeping your dd far far away from these people. How can your dh even agree to it? My family are relatively normal and I wouldn't dream of taking a child into a dispute resolution situation it's totally inappropriate.
The thought of your little boy being so upset by them makes me . How can your dh contemplate it being a good idea to have any contact
with these freaks.
Yanbu -there is no reason for dd to see these people let alone for a weekend like this. Sounds like dh normalised their behaviour, I would also be reiterating that mil is in no circumstances to stay with you.
Agree completely with zigzag that ds should not hear any of this (I realise he has already picked up on it from mil behaviour). I was ds-no good can come of him hearing you argue or dwell on mil. My ( step) dad was brilliant as handled it without my knowledge( he hasn't seen hs sister for 30 years me was a result) and reaffirmed his love for me/my sis, hoe dh can do this for ds.
To help you calm a bit.
YANBU - your DH is going there to mediate not for a jolly. Let alone DD hears about the lovely neighbour or how grandad haggled around. But use that excuse as to why DD can't o - whilst they aren't child abusers, it's a sensitive time and anything can kick off.
Youdontwinfriends that's exactly what I was wondering! How on earth did your DP turn out so normal with parents like that OP?
YANBU about your DD.
I'd love to be a fly on the wall at the 'mediation' though....<soft voice> 'Ok, so we've all agreed Mum will stop pissing in the neighbour's garden. What's next on the agenda? Oh yes Dad shagging her....'
Thanks Outragedfromleeds that's made my night
"Dad why can grandma wee in the garden and I can't ?"
They sound a bit rough even for Jezza
Back to the question- no DD should not be going anywhere near them. I would be worried about DH going near this situation, if the neighbour gets friends or relatives involved it could get nasty.
This weekend is not the time to take DD while he is helping sort the problems out but could he arrange to meet them at a neutral place with her later.
Just say no. A thousand times if necessary. YANBU.
Absolutely YANBU. They will smoke, swear, slag you off and discuss their vile lives in front of your DD. Your DH must agree that these facts are indisputable. Therefore of course she cannot witness these things.
Actually I would be questioning whether DH should be 'mediating' if there has been Police involvement. Surely the neighbour is going to furious with your mil's antics regardless of what led to them.
Plus she is abusing her neighbour in front of her children. Hurling rubbish at children is not some form of abuse?
Maybe I am wrong but I would be telling my husband that he'd be nuts to go, and that he most definitely would not be taking our dd under any circumstances.
Actually I'd be pretty upset that dh was going to spend time with people who called me 'that ginger bitch'. And he wouldn't actually - if his parents talked about me like this they'd be roundly told to fuck the fuck off, never mind there bring any question of them seeing our kids.
But I do accept that its not always this simple
it should be though
Opps. there is only one soluteion:
Change your name and emigrate. far far far away!
Ye Gods! no no and thrice no should your child be going with Dh into a war zone
It's a credit to your DH that he has grown up as functional as he has, I wouldn't want any child of mine within a 10 mile radius of these vile people. I wouldn't really want my DH there either, though clearly that is more difficult. YANBU.
Your DD does not need to be exposed to any of their nighmarish behaviour.
I don't think that your DH should go either.
I certainly wouldn't be wasting any of my time trying to sort out this sort of mess, evn if they were my parents.
Their mess, their problem. Let them deal with it.
YADNBU. TBH , I think that if your dd goes to school next week and mentions any of what she is likely to witness, social services would have to be informed. At the very least you (her family) would be on someone's radar. Can you use that to persuade your dh against taking her?
I'd be saying no! DH can go sort this out and they can all have a day out together somewhere else another time.
And wouldn't be talking about it in front of the kids as no need for them to know anything about it. If day out does happen, DH can take dd and you have and ds do something special.
"you and ds can do something special" I mean ...
Don't let your DD go - she shouldn't be anywhere near these toxic people. While your DH seems to be the only sensible member of his family, point out that the weekend is not a normal social visit to his parents; he is going down to try to sort out the mess that they have got themselves into. He sounds as it he will have his work cut out, so does not need to be caring for a young child as well.
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