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To wonder why the college aren't taking this seriously? [--TRIGGER WARNING--]

(47 Posts)
1256 Fri 03-May-13 16:52:37


A few months ago, a close friend's son [we'll call him FS] went out drinking with a friend [A] of his he's known since primary school. He's in different classes to this lad and ended up tagging along with him and some of his friends from those classes. Whilst they were out drinking one of his friend's friends [B] started hitting on a girl at the club who was already drunk when they got there, as the night went on the other lads joined in giving her drink after drink, until she was absolutely wasted as FS described it.

FS was quite drunk himself but he mentioned to a bouncer that he thought they should get this girl out and in a taxi as she was falling over and clearly not in control, they said they'd keep an eye on her. At the end of the night they all left the club, the girl included, who apparently had to be half-carried out, he told A to make sure she got a taxi home and left to get the bus.

Next day he woke up and found that his friend A had tagged him in a picture on facebook that B had put up of the girl asleep in B's bed. He was joking in the comment about how she'd done the 'walk of shame' out of his apartment but he was gutted his mates hadn't seen her because they were asleep, he'd also gone into pretty graphic detail about how he'd had sex with her.

FS was absolutely horrified that he'd been stupid enough to let the girl go off with these lads and said he thought they were putting her in a taxi. He said there was no way this girl was sober enough to consent to have sex and he phoned the police and reported it. Turns out the girl has also reported it and it's being taken very seriously by them, apparently B has a previous accusation against him regarding date rape.

Anyway, FS posted on the picture that what B had done was rape, so when B was arrested they guessed that FS had something to do with it because of the post and it's well known FS's DM was the victim of domestic abuse and rape and that FS is really sensitive about it. All of these lads, including B, have started to bully FS in college. Barging into him in corridors, intimidation, rumors and insults etc. The college have not excluded B or anyone else and have suggested that FS should leave his classes earlier to avoid them in the corridors.

So on top of dealing with the guilt being 'that guy' who didn't step in when he knew he should of, he's being bullied and the college are shrugging it off. sad Aibu?

QuietTiger Fri 03-May-13 17:00:25

I can't contribute anything in the form of advice that you probably haven't already thought of, but the college SHOULD be taking bullying seriously, especially given the circumstances surrounding the bullying. I would also be inclined to report B to the police for harassment and witness intimidation, especially since they are taking the rape allegation seriously.

You are absolutely not BU, and what you should be, is VERY VERY proud of your son, for being strong enough to stand tall and state his principles instead of running with the crowd.

anklebitersmum Fri 03-May-13 17:02:37

No. If he's a witness and has made a statement as regards what did and didn't happen he is entitled to the protection of the law.
Seek advice from the force dealing with the case.
The arrestee should have been warned as regards intimidation of witnesses.

FS should be congratulated for doing the right thing but is probably going to have to swallow the hard lesson that sometimes 'standing up to be counted' just makes it easier for them to shoot at you sad

Moral fortitude is a rare quality these days..wishing you all the best.

SantanaLopez Fri 03-May-13 17:03:34

They should be doing something about the bullying.

I suspect that it would be very tricky to exclude B if he has not been convicted of anything.

As much as I feel sympathy for him, FS should know that Facebook is not the place to make accusations like that.

1256 Fri 03-May-13 17:05:23

His DM has phoned the police but he's reluctant to help, he thinks it'll make the bullying worse.

We have told him he should absolutely be proud of himself, he recognized he made a mistake and he's going to be giving evidence if it goes to court, which it hopefully should.

We're thinking of taking it in turns picking him up and dropping him off during breaks and before/after college to avoid these lads. Although it's ridiculous that he is the one being made to suffer, I wish I could do more to help him but I have a young baby to look after too. sad

Chelvis Fri 03-May-13 17:07:02

I would speak to the police - surely it's witness intimidation? I should think that the police would view that pretty seriously. Maybe then the college could be persuaded to take it seriously, if the police get involved.

Good for FS for standing up for this woman - he has no reason to feel guilty, he just believed that people are decent and would do the right thing. How sad that they don't sad

Featherbag Fri 03-May-13 17:11:53

I'm afraid I have nothing terribly helpful to add, other than I would advise FS to report EVERY contact with this boy and his friends to the police. I just wanted to say your friend should be SO PROUD of her fabulous son, he is AWESOME!

anklebitersmum Fri 03-May-13 17:14:05

FS's DM needs to insist that the College and Police address this behaviour as it only gets worse if the perpetrators feel that they're getting away with it.

The college have a duty of care..something which probably needs re-iterating. Witness intimidation is harder to determine as they have to refer to the alleged crime whilst abusing you hmm

Wishiwasanheiress Fri 03-May-13 17:15:04

FS actions are very commendable. He should be proud of himself for doing what he could do. Its very unfortunate however he was not bu to think better of his friend really was he? A very sad situation.

I don't know what to say re college. I feel very sorry for FS there. Just wanted to add a bit of support for FS was all....

1256 Fri 03-May-13 17:18:17

Yeah, he and his DM are really shocked about A, but apparently he really doesn't think that B did anything wrong. A tried to explain FS that what happened to FS's DM was rape, whereas what happened to this girl was not because she was in the club and drinking. sad

IAmNotAMindReader Fri 03-May-13 17:25:42

Intimidating a witness is an offence and this is exactly what they are doing and the college is colluding with them. Insist it is dealt with appropriately by both police and college.
It doesn't matter whether his evidence ends up being used or not at this stage it could potentially be used so therefore he is still a witness.

TeWiSavesTheDay Fri 03-May-13 17:37:13

What did the policy advise when your friend told them about the bullying? I wonder if they could go into the school and talk to the staff about their duties to FS?

He is clearly a great kid, BTW, very proud of him too over here!

gobbledegook1 Fri 03-May-13 17:49:19

Well done FS.

I agree, they should be pressing matters with the police over this.

WilsonFrickett Fri 03-May-13 17:54:02

It is absolutely witness intimidation and college should be treating it very seriously. I'm sure the police would too. Is there a welfare officer or a students' union FS could involve?

Is the girl at college too? Because if she is B could be temporarily excluded pending a trial.

Please tell FS a complete stranger is very proud of him, and his mum too, if you can thanks

Dawndonna Fri 03-May-13 17:55:19

I go with what Iamnot said. I would also remind the college that they are not allowed to punish the victims of bullying and harassment, eg. removing them for their own safety. They have to remove the perpetrators.

StuntGirl Fri 03-May-13 18:08:17

FS has nothing to be ashamed of. His only crime was trusting that his friend was not a rapist. It's absolutely not his fault it turns out his friend is a criminal. He should be so, so proud of himself for reporting this awful crime, he has done an amazing thing.

I would contact the police and ask for their advice. I would also contact the college and demand some action in line with their anti-bullying policy. Get a copy of the policy and highlight exactly which parts they're failing on, and ask them to tell you how they're going to remedy it. Don't accept anything less than an action plan of how (and when) they're going to implement their actions by. Keep them accountable.

1256 Fri 03-May-13 18:10:03

The girl is isn't in the college, fortunately for her. I have no doubt these lads would intimidate her too, if they could. They're animals. My DM is talking to his DM at the minute, she's going to go to the college on Monday for moral support and ask to see their bullying policy/get an interview with the principal. With my DM there she should have the confidence to push for them to do something to help FS.

Bobyan Fri 03-May-13 18:21:23

You need to involve the police before it goes any further...

thebody Fri 03-May-13 18:28:17

Go to the police ASAP. They will contact the college. Don't leave until after the bank holiday as the allegation and the fall out is so serious.

1256 Fri 03-May-13 18:32:46

FS's DM has phoned the police about this, FS wasn't helpful because he thinks more police involvement would make it worse.

We forgot it was bank holiday. blush

quoteunquote Fri 03-May-13 18:34:37

Tell FS, I think he is wonderful, I wish there were more men like him,

the police should be told,

they can talk to the people (these horrible lads and collage) concerned and explain how they will jeopardise their case if they continue,

Use the phrase "This is affecting his ability to learn/study" when speaking to the principal. He has a right to go about his business,and if his education is being affected by their actions then the collage is required to act.

If he is not free to go about his business without intimidation the collage must act, and so will the police, intimidating a witness is illegal.

If you speak to women's aid they will have some good advice about how to make the collage act, I know they have advised when it the woman being harassed, I expect they will be happy to point you in the right direction.

1256 Fri 03-May-13 18:47:23

Thank you for the advice quoteunquote I know FS's DM has been in touch with Woman's Aid before, after she left her abusive husband so I'll definitely recommend that she gets in touch with them.

quoteunquote Fri 03-May-13 19:39:56

They have done this situation over and over, so will have good advice,

He can do practical things like, make sure his fb has the highest privacy settings, he has a real friends list, and anyone else on there can still be his friend, but he should hide his updates from anyone he is not sure about,

keep busy, arrange to meet up with good friends and go and do activities,have a barbecue with friends, it helps to keep busy, it helps to get away from where you are, a short break from looking over your shoulder can really help, anyone he would have a fun time visiting?

Is there any older males who can talk to him and explain how proud they are of him, he will feel wobbles.

vary his routine, different routes,

He is helping someone who was raped, anyone saying anything negative about that is not his friend or a nice person.

Try to arrange lots of positives to look forward to, days out, trips, he needs to keep looking forward,

He also needs to be told it's not his fault, he couldn't of known this vile man would rape, he needs to be told, he is different, because he did the right thing , was brave and told the police,

He needs to be reassured that it's normal to feel the way he does about this, it would shake anyone up, he dealing with vile assholes brilliantly.

He needs to keep a diary of incidents.

Glup Fri 03-May-13 19:57:49


This is a very difficult situation for the college, but they should also be assisting your friend's son. I have to say I'm writing from experience of dealing with worse situations than this (sigh). Several things:

1. If there is police involvement, the college should now have been informed, but will not be able to exclude the boy as it happened off-site.

2. There will be a link police officer associated with the school. You could ask to speak directly to them as, if the boy has not been charged, they are the person who will be dealing with him. Let them know what is going on, as you may find this is actually a police issue rather than merely 'intimidation'

3. You do need to speak to the college. Formally request a meeting with whoever the relevant pastoral person is (don't know what they do in colleges!).

You are now potentially dealing with a situation where one child is testifying against another in a criminal case. When this has happened in our school (sigh), we have arranged the corridor and class meetings VERY carefully. In one instance, for example, the accused had all of his sets changed so that he was not in any of the same classes as the victims or those testifying against him. This meant dropping GCSE options where it was unfeasible to do this. Potential corridor and breaktime meetings were also prevented as he was required to leave all classes five minutes early......this could, of course, only happen when he had actually been charged.

JerseySpud Fri 03-May-13 20:01:17

FS is amazing, absolutly amazing.

He has totally done the right thing and the college should be helping him not making it easier for these boys to bully him

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