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to think this mum's being a bit mean telling her child not to play with mine on certain days?

(22 Posts)
CombineBananaFister Fri 03-May-13 16:21:19

Ds started pre-school beginning of this year and became good friends with one little boy (as much as they do at 3.5 grin) Ds does play with others too, it just seems these two enjoy doing the same games.

A few weeks ago I'd asked about his day - just general chitchat on the way home and he said 'My friend couldn't play with me today, he's not allowed'. Was a bitconfused but thought kids say daft stuff so shrugged it off thinking he meant his friend didn't want to play with him -fair enough.

This week I pick him up and he said the same thing again. I told him not to be silly, BUT that Ds shouldn't expect him to play with him if he doesn't want to. He replied 'no, he wants to play with me but he can't as he has to play with (another child) on this day and me when (other child) isn't there' hmm

So Today when we're hanging Ds' stuff up and overhear Ds' friend arguing with his Dm about wanting to play with my Ds and I heard her tell him he had to play with other child, because other childs mummy was picking him up from school and not to make other child feel left out and his mummy angry. That he could could play with my Ds tomorrow when other child wasn't there.

Is this normal done thing? do you engineer your childs friendships at such a young age? Or to fit in with your friends? Whilst I understand her need to keep her friend onside if she provides childcare isn't this a bit mean? I don't think I could do it

I should add if someone didn't WANT to play with Ds then that would be totally different, and well tough shit, but this just seems manipulative.

cornypringle Fri 03-May-13 16:22:12

it is very strange - why couldn't they all play together/

MammaTJ Fri 03-May-13 16:23:49

I think the mum needs the other mums help and does not want her upset. She needs the children to be friends, so the other mum is willing to do the pick ups. I can understamd her reasons but it is still a bit bonkers.

RedPencils Fri 03-May-13 16:26:14

i was going to say that your DS has got the wrong end of the stick hntil you said you overheard the other mum.
Perhaps this other child isn't doing well socially so the mum is trying to help him. Seems a bit odd to say they cant all play together though.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Fri 03-May-13 16:26:40

YANBU how bloody weird this mum sounds. She should be encouraging her child to not leave people out and play nicely with everybody.

At least thats the most I do as far as my DC and their friends are concerned anyway.

ThePinkOcelot Fri 03-May-13 16:28:28

That sounds ridiculous to me. She certainly needs a reality check.

TigOldBitties Fri 03-May-13 16:29:25

I can see where she's coming from, I'd probably phrase it differently, but when you're reliant on someone for childcare, the last thing you need is a barney between 3 year olds causing you major agg.

I doubt she really cares about the friendship, more about how she is reliant on the other mother. Plus maybe the other mother is a bit weird about it all so she feels its a measure she has o take to keep her sweet"

CombineBananaFister Fri 03-May-13 16:29:33

I totally agree and said this to my Ds but it would seem other child doesn't want to play with Ds just the mutual friend and doesn't like anyoneelse joining in - he does seem a shy child
God it sounds ridiculous when it's wrote down grin. I honestly don't care who plays with who it's kids fgs and my Ds will just go play elsewhere it's just I think it was a bit mean of the other mum to force it.

5318008 Fri 03-May-13 16:31:04

tbh I would be raising this with pre school staff, not in a nasty way, just to let them know; they'll most likely already be aware

it's too much responsibility to place on the child's shoulders, to be responsible for another child's welfare and to keep another adult 'sweet' (too many responsibilities in the reply, sorry, am terribly tired)

mrsjay Fri 03-May-13 16:32:44

what mammatj said but god it is a bit loony isnt it, I would have to tell your son that the mum is just being silly and mention it when she is in earshot that everybodcan be friends together

CombineBananaFister Fri 03-May-13 16:42:46

To be fair, I'm just relieved that seems to be the reason and not because she thinks Ds is a nightmare child or something grin but I do feel a bit sorry for her Ds who is excuded from other friendships in a way.
Also We are fairly new to the area and I was hoping to make some mum friends and was ready to approach her as she seems really nice and chatty to me and even mentioned how well our boys got on.
Glad I didn't as that might have really peed her friend off blush

starfishmummy Fri 03-May-13 17:05:39

She sounds a bit bonkers!!

BenjaminButton172 Fri 03-May-13 17:43:37

Could u not chat to the other childs mum & see about encouraging the three children to play together?

HollyBerryBush Fri 03-May-13 17:48:11

I heard her tell him he had to play with other child, because other childs mummy was picking him up from school and not to make other child feel left out and his mummy angry.

Far too mummies in this for anyone to keep tabs on, but it sounds like the other parent is the one instigating the one-on-one play time. Could be she has a shy child and the one you like is the shy childs only friend???

fuzzpig Fri 03-May-13 17:56:29

How bizarre. Not normal at all IME confused

thebody Fri 03-May-13 18:07:47

I am amazed that this child is so under her thumb that he can't make his own decisions on this.

My kids have always been far too headstrong and Bolshie for this crap.

This mum is being silly, she needs to get proper child care provision and let her child play with whoever he likes.

I would ask child over to tea and chat to her on pick up.

Be careful though as she may be a serial child care user and switch her thoughts to you, beware the words ' could you pick up little johnny for me on a Thursday as the children are such friends it will be nice for your little freddi'.

CombineBananaFister Fri 03-May-13 18:17:07

Yeah def. too many mummies in one sentence but it's this

Ds like to play with child A.
Child A wants to play with Ds.
Child B wants to play with child A and ONLY child A.
Child A mum and child B mum are friends.
Child A mum told her Ds NOT to play with my Ds so not to piss off child B and his mum.
Child B is shy and child B mum provides childcare for child A mum.

While I understand it a bit, I still think it's a bit unkind of an adult to do this.
Personally I'm just going to let Ds get on with it as there's others he'll play with, it's a shame that's all and not something I would do.
holly I don't particularly 'like' one child more than the other as I'm not playing with them grin Ds can happily play with child A B C D E for all I care I just don't like that the kids aren't left to make their own minds up and the adults are manipulating it.

CombineBananaFister Fri 03-May-13 18:20:10

hah thebody didn't think of that. Might just back out of the situation veerry slooowly.

CloudsAndTrees Fri 03-May-13 18:23:58

This mum is bonkers. So is her friend.

I'd talk to the pre school about it, who probably encourage all the children to play together anyway no matter what bonkers Mum says.

I work in reception, plenty of children have play dates after school having not played with each other at all, all day, and they are still excited about being together at home time.

You sound like you are being very good about the whole thing. I'd go proper irrational Mummy Tiger if I heard someone telling their three year old not to play with my three year old.

quoteunquote Fri 03-May-13 18:43:48


You would of thought if the two of them are going home together, playing with other children would be a good thing, they will probably be fed up of each other by home time,

It never works to try and dictate your child's friendships, always blows up on you at some point, as if there is some underlining exterior investment in the relationship, it's never natural, so always has strained element which have a tendency to go ping.

so totally bonkers and quite sad,

could you ask him back for a play date?

CombineBananaFister Fri 03-May-13 19:09:52

It was actually my intention to approach mum A with my email for over the holidays incase she wanted to do a playdate but tbh am sort of having second thoughts now - we clearly don't have similar parenting styles and she did seem so nice but I cannot imagine telling my Ds not to play with another child for no good reason than to placate a friend.

BenjaminButton172 Fri 03-May-13 20:19:10

I think i would still approach mum A about a playdate. She may just be inexperienced in this kind of situation. Or she may find leaving her child with someone else hard if she has to work and feels like she has to make her child play with child B.

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