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to be angry/jealous/heart broken at every pregnant woman I see? Even on the TV!

(71 Posts)
icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 07:38:36

First time posting in AIBU so go easy on me.

Bit of background so no drip-feeding. Had MMC at 12 weeks in Feb, thought I had done by grieving & we had started to consider TTC again. Early April whilst on holiday I ended up in A&E (3 times!) with excruciating back pain. I since have learned I have 2 bulging discs & have to have 4 typed of meds 4 times a day to do the simplest of things. I've seen a consultant & am waiting for injections that may or may not work before surgery is considered. Anyway back to the point. I so want a baby my heart aches. Since our MC 4 people I know in RL have announced pregnancies & yesterday when I ventured out for the first time in weeks I seemed to be confronted with mass pregnant bellies. I can not consider TTC until this is all over & by then I maybe biologically too old.

AIBU to want to hide away forever so I never have to ever see a pregnant woman again - that includes destroying the TV sad

icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 11:58:36

My DH & BF are always shouting at me to stop consulting Dr Google when I have a health related worry! Very good advice Meerkat smile

icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 11:59:55

& I wish you the best of luck with your fertility issues & hope the future holds happiness for both of us (& everyone who has posted today).

LifeofPo Fri 03-May-13 12:01:55

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DorothyMantooth Fri 03-May-13 12:07:49

No problem OP - when it happened I thought a lot about posting on here, but never did. I was worried that I would dwell on it more if I wrote it down, but I think you can get a lot of support on these boards and in hindsight I probably should have. Glad that my experience can give you hope.

From your previous posts I had assumed you were in your 40s, but since you're only 35 I have another story for you - I always felt bad around PG women and never wanted to mention my MMC around them in case it either made them feel guilty or worried that it might happen to them. However I met a lovely girl in my NCT class and for some reason I opened up to her about my MMC. It turned out that she had had 2 MMCs last year as well as lots of other personal crises. She now has a 5 week old DS at the age of 36 smile.

Livinglavidafoca Fri 03-May-13 12:09:31

I am really sorry you feel that way, I am afraid only time will help you. YANBU to have feeling, can you speak to someone close and understanding about how you feel?

I am very sorry for your loss.

All the best flowers

Livinglavidafoca Fri 03-May-13 12:10:17


Blending Fri 03-May-13 12:11:21

Another here who completely understands what you are feeling.

It took 6 years to have DD (who is now 2yo) including a couple of rounds of IVF, we had a miscarraige at the very start and I was overwhelmed. I hated how other peoples bumps and babies made me feel. It wasn't that I didn't want them to have them but it should have been me, I felt rage, injustice and jealousy. I had to leave work early when my sister called me to gently break the news that my best friend was pregnant with her second, as we were pregnant together the first time. I was heartbroken. I couldn't even go in baby departments without crying. Stupid things would set me off.

We wanted to try for a sibling.

I had a second MMC at 10 weeks Febuary last year, followed by a ERPC, and as much as I took comfort in DD I hated feeling that it was so easy for others (Ex-SIL 4 children none planned for example) and that it was so unfair. Devastated is not the word. Again the world became full of new borns and bumps EVERYWHERE. A mother who had her first at the same time as me shoved a scan picture under my nose and said "Surprise!" and wondered why I started to cry as surely it was 6 months on from my MMC I would be over it (And then she went on to tell me it wasn't planned the pregnancy and she wasn't sure if they could cope!)

As for age, I am 40 in October and now pregnant with IVF twins!

Its normal to feel this way. We expect life to be fair, and spend so much of it trying not to get pregnant, that when we cant it feels cruel and and crushing.

MoominsYonisAreScary Fri 03-May-13 12:13:50

I've had 3 mc, the last one was a little boy born at 20 weeks. It does feel like pg people are everywhere and after a few weeks people think you should be over it and noone wants to talk about it anymore.

i think sometimes it's just that they don't know what to say and other times it's that people just don't understand how you feel and think you should move on.

It wasn't until what should have been the due date after the last mc that I started to accept it really, and of course there were the people on fb who had babies at the same time, it still 20 months on from my last mc hurts sometimes when I go on fb and see pictures of the babies growing up.

Big hugs from me x

MrsOakenshield Fri 03-May-13 12:14:35

YANBU. I have had 7 MCs, 5 before and 2 after DD. Years of feeling sad reading and hearing about others happy news. Even with DD, who is such a blessing, it still hurts hearing about all our friends who are having number 2, planning number 3, knowing (realistically, now I'm 41) that we will never have another, which is not the family we had hoped for.

I found I got much more upset the more distant I was from the other person - so if a very close friend was PG I could genuinely feel pleased for them, but if it was someone, say, at work, I found that very distressing indeed.

Do speak to your DH about it, as others have said he may be struggling himself. You have each other and that is so important right now.

NorthernLurker Fri 03-May-13 12:18:01

Your feelings are very understandable. If you're nearly 35 then there's every chance you've still got a decade of baby bearing years ahead of you though. Don't lose heart.

LunaticFringe Fri 03-May-13 12:18:23

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LunaticFringe Fri 03-May-13 12:19:47

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Latara Fri 03-May-13 12:20:50

Sad to hear about all of you who've had miscarriages. One of my best mates had an MC and she was heartbroken, now she's going through IVF.

I'm 36, nearly 37 and worried that i won't meet 'Mr Right' in time to have children. I've been ill, & still not really well enough to go into the dating scene yet. Just wish i could 'stop the clock' but obv that's impossible.

BUT... one of my friends is engaged, she's just had a lovely tiny baby at aged almost 39 (her first) with no problems at all. So that shows it can be done!
So good luck OP and stay hopeful!

MrsOakenshield Fri 03-May-13 12:25:37

that's a very good point, Lunatic - we don't know everyone's story and maybe a way to help yourself through this time is to think, there's goes someone who, despite it all, is PG, so there's hope for me too. I actually know far more people who've struggled to have a baby than those who've been successful at the drop of a hat.

Latara, there's definitely still time. DH's godmother married at 40 and went on to have 4 children!

Dahlialover Fri 03-May-13 12:37:57

After I miscarried, everyone in the town I lived in was pregnant (at least it looked that way) I was pretty depressed but had to hide it because it was making OH unhappy - he did not know what to do to make it better and I did not either.

In the end I figured it was my baby that I wanted, not theirs, and there was no way I could know what they had been through to get there themselves. It was a small window into what other people go through, in order to do something that seems so easy and simple.

The sadness and regret continued even after I had my first child (with a couple of scares during the pregnancy) but one day, I realised I would not be who I am if I had not experienced this, and I sort of let it go.

Big hugs (and agree with not reading stats!)

Iggi101 Fri 03-May-13 12:43:10

These are very normal feelings for someone who has experiences pregnancy loss or infertility. In RL there are lots of people who have never experienced these things, and may not understand your feelings. So use mumsnet to vent when it feels too much; as you can see loads of us know exactly how you are feeling.
I have found since having my "miracle" baby, I can finally enjoy hearing about other people's pregnancies again, though I still find some of the facebook type stuff difficult.
Hope the back is sorted quickly for you, though as others have said you have potentially years left to conceive. (My dc1 - 37, dc2 - 41).

imip Fri 03-May-13 13:01:56

Op, I am one of those who probably make it look blissfully easy, but the story behind it all is quite sad, and I do know the personal hell you are going through. After infertility, I finally conceived my first child at 34. When I was 25 weeks pregnant, my precious girl was stillborn. Words cannot describe. Around me, everyone was pregnant, friends at the same time. My life just stopped. We were told that potentially I would be unable to carry a child to full term. Life was hell for dh and I.

I fell pregnant again quickly (fortunately). I went on to have my first surviving dd1 at 35, dd2 37, dd3 38 and dd4 40. All pregnancies were problematic, involved hospital stays etc, but we got there in the end. Life is stressful, chaotic, fun, hectic and all those things you could expect with lots of small kids. People often stop us to chat because we have four dds who are quite young. I would get stopped to chat by total strangers on a day-to-day basis. But I can never, ever forget how hard it was to see pregnant women and babies during those few hellish years.

I am generally ok with pregnancy now, but my heart does still skip a beat when someone mentions there first pregnancy. I guess it has had a strong impact on me by having four more pregnancies so close together in my late 30s. Going by my experience, you still have lots of child bearing time left. Jam sorry for your loss, it is very hard going. I wish that I could have seen the light at the tunnel when my world caved in. Wishing you strength...

Holly1977 Fri 03-May-13 13:14:06

yanbu at all. Your feelings are what they are and they're valid. I hated all pg women when we were ttc and I didn't have late mc to deal with like you. Well I didn't hate them really but it was really difficult to cope with. Especially as ALL my friends were either pg or already had kids. Every time a friend announced a pregnancy I sincerely congratulated them then went home and raged, cried and railed against the unfairness of it all for days sometimes. And what made it even harder is the way that some friends completely disappear from your life the minute they get pg or have kids.

Having a mc can be utterly devastating, there's no "right" way or timescale for recovery. It's a bereavement, don't let anyone tell you any different. Be kind to yourself, allow yourself time to grieve and don't despair about your biological clock (I know that's easier said than done). I only recent got pg and I'm 35 1/2 ! And get yourself a good counsellor if you can, they're worth their weight in gold. Even if friends and family are being really great, imo there's just no substitute for talking to someone who's just there to listen and isn't allowed to get bored! Good luck, I hope it works out for you.

Kasterborous Fri 03-May-13 13:24:17

No you are not being at all unreasonable. We went through six miscarriages while lots of our friends had babies and my sisters had babies too. I felt quite envious at times and how unfair that it wasn't us. Don't get me wrong I was happy for them - especially my sisters- but it's horrible.

icklemssunshine1 Fri 03-May-13 13:35:59

Thanks so much everyone. I am overwhelmed at the number of people who have stopped & took the time to post. I am heartened by the stories of posters who have had children in their late 30s/40s. My DH had cousins who had their firsts at 42 & 40 so I know there's hope for us too.

I agree with the poster (sorry I can't remember who!) who said they could deal with friends being pg but not acquaintances. That's somewhat true in my case. Whilst I was in hospital with my back I made a status on the (dreaded) FB about hospital sucked but morphined was great. An old friend PMed me & asked what was up. In my drugged up state I wrote a long message explaining everything that had happened this year - MC included. She sent a message back saying 'sorry, etc' and then opened with next para stating 'I'm 18 weeks pregnant'. Grrr! In my anger I 'unfriended' her immediately - ooops!

To everyone who recommends talking I will. Just being on here has helped today. I do try to DH but he is just so darn pragmatic - we're young, we conceived once & will again, get heathy first & we'll try again. I just want him today he misses the baby too & at times life is shit, can't we just rant & cry for a bit? I've spent days where I haven't thought about the MC once but this week its all I can think of. Probably as I'm feeling so low about my state of health & keep waiting for the appointment for my injections that never seems to come around! Another grrr!!

thermalsinapril Fri 03-May-13 14:25:28

YANBU at all. However there is still hope for you and I hope your treatment works for you soon.

In the event that things take much longer than expected, and you feel time is running out, you could consider getting some embryos frozen at a fertility clinic, for use in IVF should you need it.

sweetiepie1979 Fri 03-May-13 16:50:27

People can be so insensitive with pregnancy announcements!!! You poor thing , my god I feel for you. What I would say is that you have loads of time too. And I feel like a bit of a back queen so I can tell you that the book treat your own back is better than any nhs Physio you receive for disc trouble and perhaps if it has been nhs Physio you've seen you get a recommendation of a good private one and they will help! Keep going back to your doctor, then phone neuro surgeon to get bumped up the list beg them cry whatever if you need the op for the disc that's hitting the spinal cord you will be right as rain a few days after loads of people have had that op and pain free in days. With disc trouble the only way out is to do the exercises ive had a prolapse disc this is my 7th week for 2 weeks I was glued to floor using a bed pan then I managed to walk in agony for a week then slowly I am improving all the time. From day 2 of the pain I have done my Physio exercises 7/8 times a day they are the same exercises from the treat your own back book. So that will safe you money of you can't afford private Physio it's all in that book. I also get acupuncture every week in to my bum to loosen of that big muscle. I know your in pain but "this too shall pass" keep saying it to yourself stay strong positive mental attitude to back pain is very important. Xox

thebody Fri 03-May-13 16:55:18

Op I think a bereavement actually gets worse as time goes on as in the beginning there is the numb shock and all the support.

As time goes on and people stop being so supportive I think it's far more lonely. You also have had the time to dwell on your loss.

Hugs and I hope things work out for you.

Triumphoveradversity Fri 03-May-13 17:03:06

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

melika Fri 03-May-13 17:26:09

You are not alone, been there, you will get through. Good luck.thanks

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