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to be acting like a horrible, jealous, green-eyed monster (baby related)

(18 Posts)
CandlesticksAtDawn Thu 02-May-13 22:00:36

I'm going to try and not sugar coat this, but I'm aware it probably makes me sound like a horrible, self-centred cow.

I was the first out of my friends to have a baby, but slowly lots of them are starting to have their own. And whenever there's a birth announcement, I feel sad and depressed for days.

I think, in part, it might be because DS's birth and early weeks were fraught and a bit traumatic, for both of us, and I'm just jealous when things go wonderfully for others (I get particularly upset when I hear 'mother and baby are doing brilliantly' a few hours after the birth. I wish we'd been doing brilliantly at that stage instead of at death's door)

But that's probably giving me far too much credit. I think what I hate most is the fact that my friends are not on their own journey of discovery (for want of a less wanky term) into parenthood, and I'm no longer 'the one with a baby'. I'm no longer special. And they'll probably be better at it too. Aaaaargh there I said it. I know I sound like a two year old. I just had to get it out in the open somewhere.

SO AIBU? And am I the only bitch person to feel this way.

Gossipmonster Thu 02-May-13 22:02:59

I am not sure confused

Do you think you are broody?

PortHills Thu 02-May-13 22:07:10

My DS has a habit of wanting to know who is the eldest, him or x. What about when he's 5, will he still be older? Etc etc.

If being the first to experience parenthood is really really important to you, then console yourself that your child will always be the oldest. The first to go to pre-school, school, etc etc.

But maybe also have a think about why it is important to you, because it sounds like there is something there that you need to let go of.

But I don't know you or the whole story, so that last sentence makes me sound like an amateur psychologist and I am totally unqualified!!

idiot55 Thu 02-May-13 22:09:05

no you are just normal.

For me the best time of my like was the journey of discovery of being pregnant and having my first child, there is nothing quite like it, and for me those feelings are not replicable.

For me the thing that stands out in what you have said ,isthat you think your friends will be better at it, why????

I remember feeling relaly jealous of new babys and parents for a good while, it does pass!

chattychattyboomba Thu 02-May-13 22:10:19

Candles very brave of you grin
First i would like to say, i'm so sorry you had such a shitty birth experience. That really stinks and you have every right to feel grieved.

Secondly, you are not the only one! What annoys me most is when in laws go on and on about my nieces and nephews whenever i tell them what my little one has been up to. I want my DD to be the special one! I want them to be head over heals and blindly biased towards my precious little girl... Not those other inferior children (aaaah! I don't mean it! They are gorgeous! Just sour grapes).
Anyway they live on the other side of the world and i have no one but my DH to share in the wonderment.
I also hate that my 'baby' is now 2 and everyone is having their second babies and we can't have another yet for various very good reasons.

Anyway hope you got it out of your system. Sometimes it's good to do so.

Kleptronic Thu 02-May-13 22:11:48

Well, they're just saying they're doing brilliantly, you never know what circle of hell they might be in.

Clearly you had a really bad time when your baby was born, and perhaps there's feelings about that time you haven't been able to work through yet. 'Depressed for days' at other people's happy news, in particular, says to me that there is stuff that needs the sunlight.

You will always be special. As Doctor Who said, there's no-one like you and never will be again, and you're made of stars.

Having been as person-centred and hippy as I can about it, in the end though I have to say YABU. However I respect your feelings and your right to express them. smile

CandlesticksAtDawn Thu 02-May-13 22:12:08

Am I broody? yes a little! But I think I'm just being a child and getting upset that I'm no longer the terribly clever grown-up person that had a baby

Sad or what!

CandlesticksAtDawn Thu 02-May-13 22:14:20

Ah Klept, thank you that is lovely - even if you do think IABU (I am!)

AudreyParker Thu 02-May-13 22:17:52

My third baby, who is much younger than his siblings, didn't get to be the baby of the family at all. Both my sisters had babies within the next year.

Sometimes, in my less grown up moments, I really resent that. So I think yanbu.

Your feelings are your own. Feel them, acknowledge them and then put them aside before you start to look like a crazy person.

<hairstroke >

MrsRambo Thu 02-May-13 23:19:43

I might be completely wrong <and happy to be told so>, but I think I might know a little of where you are coming from.

I have a younger sister who basically (from my perspective) has always 'had it all'. Brains, good looks, lovely husband, good job, plenty of money. She was always the family favorite in many ways. The one thing she didn't have, which she wanted, was a baby.

When I became pregnant I felt like I had one thing in my life that might allow me to 'shine' a little in my family because it made me feel different and special. Being a mother was going to be 'my' thing in life.

As it turns out, she was also pregnant at the same time as I was and our babies were born a few days apart!!

I wonder if being a 'mum' allowed you to feel different/special in comparison to your friends? (as I imagined it might have made me feel if I had been the only one in my family to have a baby for a while?). My feelings about my sister stem from a place of insecurity and low self esteem. All things I have to work on to try and make sure I don't go to bad places....

So, what I'm clumsily trying to say is that I don't think your feelings are unreasonable, and if they are in anyway similar to how I feel/felt I understand what drives you to feel this. But I know for me, I have to stop myself going down this road because it's a bit of a dead end and leads to more negative fodder for the mind! Take care OP!

EllenJanesthickerknickers Thu 02-May-13 23:28:47

I resented the fact that my DS3, now 10, was the last grandchild, should have been the baby of the family, etc. Then, within a few months the first great grandchild was born, lived closer to my parents and became their new 'darling.' Whenever I had a little story to share about my DS my DM seemed to want to 'top it' with a story about DGGC. She never meant to be hurtful, she was just sharing, but I wanted to scream, 'I'm talking about DS, not your fucking DGGC!'

So, I was very childish, but I do understand. smile

CandlesticksAtDawn Thu 02-May-13 23:31:56

Thanks MrsR I think you are right in many ways. I just really liked my friends seeing me as the expert where babies are concerned, and now that they are having their own, they'll probably realise I am far from an expert! I liked being 'the mum' in our group, I don't have a lot of other special skills!

Have tried to explain this to DP. He just thinks I'm broody!

BlackeyedSusan Fri 03-May-13 00:23:21

normal. having a baby is special. complete strangers maake a fuss. it is a bit sad to go back to being one of the ordinary ones.

you missed out on a bit of the specialness, not unsuprising that you are sad for what might have been.

CookieB Fri 03-May-13 00:41:25

I see what you mean in a way. I loved takin the kids out when they are days old & feeling like they are the most brand new people in the world! My ds is 10 now & my dd is 6, I look at friends now with toddlers and new babies and laugh. Proper evil laugh then I get the pinge when I find tiny baby socks. How come u don't remember the sleep derivation? Just the tiny toes & baby smell.hmm

CookieB Fri 03-May-13 00:42:44

*deprivation ffs

breatheslowly Fri 03-May-13 00:58:18

I had a crap time after DD was born and took months to recover, both physically and emotionally. Those "mum and baby both doing well" Facebook posts and texts are like a kick in the stomach to me. However I am never jealous of their new baby, because it isn't DD and I doubt that any baby could ever grow up to be as fantastic as my DD; I actually feel sorry for other parents in not having DD as their child. I sort of assume that everyone feels like this about their DC.

C999875 Thu 09-May-13 20:07:15

I think IO can relate. I had these feeling as well when all my now ex friends got pregnant at the same time. Although I was not broody of perhaps subconcoiusly I was) the fact that the stork had not visited me as it did them cut like a knife. I am a women and women do feelings like that. How ever I do appriciate I am very fortunate as some women are not even given the gift of one child.
I understand what you mean as well about other people aving wonderful pregnancies not that you begrudge anyone that but again jealousy is only a natural reaction. Like you all my former friends sailed through their pregnancies with a smile on their face and a healthy glow. Me however I had all day sickness (never mind morning sickness) and Pre eclampsia resulting in an emergency c/section. I am also trying again to concieve. and I am 37. I know I'll have a hard time. ( I struggled being pregnant in my 20's but it will be more than worth it) xx

PrincessScrumpy Thu 09-May-13 20:21:20

I just wanted to add that when dh announced our dc's births on fb I think he put we were doing well. I'm not sure the truth was fb appropriate iyswim
Dd1: (would have read) baby well, mother suffered excessive blood loss,.appalling mw care and needed 32 stitches down below.
Dtds: dtd1 stopped breathing and nearly died by the time we announced the birth she was stable and the ordeal was not mentioned.
Don't believe everything you read on fb! smile

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