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To think dh should set his goals lower?

(11 Posts)
Daisydoomoo Thu 02-May-13 19:53:15

My dh is currently working on a contract and they've hinted that they want him to work for them as an employee in the near future.

He wants a competitive package from them but I'm worried that as he doesn't have a degree he won't achieve what he is looking for. He seems to think he will. I don't want him to be out of work for the sake of not getting what he wants.

The other problem we have is that he works such long hours and is a bit of a workaholic. Whilst our children are small, I'd rather he had a bit more work/home balance. At the moment he is working flat out, and once he gets home he is straight working on his laptop. He'll literally eat dinner and then working until quite often midnight.

So aibu? Should i be more supportive? My concerns are that he'll burn out, and miss so much of the children growing up.

Euphemia Thu 02-May-13 19:58:36

What are his options? The way you present them, they look like "no work" versus "far too much work".

FauxFox Thu 02-May-13 20:00:41

Is he usually unrealistic? How do you know his expectations re: salary are not going to be possible? Do you know the usual salary structures etc? If he has already proved himself to be good employee material I would think he was in a great position to negotiate a good deal - after all he is a safe bet and they will save on recruitment costs of going out to interview.

I'm sorry to say that the way you've worded your post feels more like you are talking about a teenage son than your DH - give the man some credit for knowing his capabilities and reasonable expectations.

Wanting him to see more of the kids is another thing altogether but in this climate you have to work bloody hard to get on and make money, it's a balancing act for all working parents.

aldiwhore Thu 02-May-13 20:03:15

I think. YABU.

But then YANBU for wanting him to savour the moment as regards your children.

Realistically they will make an offer. If it's better than what he's on now then he'd be a muppet to start demanding better terms.

A degree is neither here nor there in many ways. It can be very important in some institutions, a pre-requisite of employment even, but there are always those who haven't got one who will impress enough.

I wouldn't even argue about this and CERTAINLY do not tell him to 'set his goals lower'!!! Jesus, I'd be utterly wrecked if anyone actually said that to me, least of all the one person who professes to love me most!

You need to tell him to go for it, but be realistic. Encourage him to succeed (without sacrificing your own dreams of course) not to be arrogant, wait for the offer, reply with either an acceptance OR a very well thought out and researched reason why he's worth more, then negotiate.

Never set your sights low.

Also if a degree is needed to move up the ladder, you can study for a degree out of work, burn the midnight oil... one of my colleagues has just gained her PhD. It wasn't easy. They had to timetable every single minute of their life, she worked full time AND has children AND no partner.

Work/Life balance IS important, but it's quality not quantity that counts. If your DH makes every single second of family time quality time, your children will not miss out (Unfortunately he may become the hero whereas you'll be 'boring' - meh, that's life sometimes, my children will appreciate me most when they have children!!)you need to do something for you.

So I say YABU. You need to set YOUR sights HIGHER. Good luck smile (Nothing wrong with being afraid).

EuroShaggleton Thu 02-May-13 20:04:36

I would have thought he knows his industry and what is achievable better than you, tbh.

BTW, this difference in attitude is part of the reason for the pay gap - in his shoes you (and most women) would probably not ask what he will ask for. If you don't ask you don't get!

javabean Thu 02-May-13 20:12:51

If they want him as an employee, they won't change their minds because he asks for more money smile they might say no, but I've never heard of a job offer retracted because of salary negotiations.

Completely agree that the male/female divide on this issue contributes to the gender pay gap.

Being a workaholic is a separate issue though and worth talking to him about.

Daisydoomoo Thu 02-May-13 20:16:52

Thanks ladies. Yes I am worried as I'm more cautious than he is.

I've not mentioned my concerns to him, and he is very forward with his approach. He is not afraid to negotiate and stand his ground.

I'm the opposite in this respect. Plus I am concerned about the amount of hours he puts in. Although this is probably the case for many people. I am really proud of him - don't get me wrong!

I am also guilty of mothering him a bit. Probably as his mum died of cancer when he was 5 and he grew up in foster care with no help or support with an education etc.

EverybodysStressyEyed Thu 02-May-13 20:19:33

my dh is a workaholic - nothing will change that - it's in his nature. we have strategies to deal with it's impact on family time and at the weekends he spends excellent quality time with the kids

regarding the pay, he should go for it - you need to be more supportive!

It sounds like he is ambitious and could potentially go far.

Triumphoveradversity Thu 02-May-13 20:20:32

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Snazzynewyear Thu 02-May-13 20:32:14

There's a book called Nice Girls Don't Get The Corner Office which is about women and careers, which says IIRC that women are far more hesitant about negotiating over salaries and are often reluctant to ask for what they're really worth. Now not everyone fits a gender stereotype, but it does sound as though you are being very 'glass half empty' about his chances and he is being 'glass half full' in this way. OK, he doesn't have a degree but he's working for them at the moment without that being a problem - them having seen him at work will mean more than a degree certificate. Plus, he can negotiate over the salary - if they aren't willing to offer what he asks for, they can compromise, but it's hard if you start off at a low point to ask for more, so in his shoes I would be starting off asking for a higher amount than I expected to get.

As he's on a short-term contract atm I'm not surprised to hear he's working all hours. It's often the name of the game. In a permanent job this would very likely even out, and even if it didn't he would be in a better position to argue in time for a revision of his workload to give him a better work-life balance. I think you are worrying excessively.

Daisydoomoo Thu 02-May-13 20:35:40

Thanks for all your opinions. I'm going to take on board what you've all said, especially with my somewhat pessimistic approach. It never even occurred to me that I was coming across like that.

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