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To have expected adult friendships to be less fraught

(13 Posts)
HarrySnotter Thu 02-May-13 06:51:27

than adolescent ones? I have a couple of very close friends of 30+ years who I have always had a great relationship with. I also have some 'new' friends of around 4/5 years since the DCs started school, small village so most in the same friendship group. I like all of them and we've had some great laughs and days/nights out. Now there is a bit of a split and a falling out between the woman I am closest to and a couple of the others and its all becoming a bit difficult. I am not a confrontational person at all and I hate all the drama that seems to be happening at the moment. I feel totally stuck in the middle of it all. I wasnt involved in the event that caused it all and i do feel my friend was treated badly but both of the other women have always been perfectly nice to me. My friend expects me to have nothing more to do with them but it all feels so childish. I don't want to be a shit friend but feel that I am 46 not 16 and I just can't be arsed with the drama. Should I keep myself to myself for a bit til things get better?

BeerTricksPotter Thu 02-May-13 07:10:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Thu 02-May-13 07:16:25

Tell all of the women that since you've not been offended you won't be falling out with anyone.

HarrySnotter Thu 02-May-13 07:17:25

The thing is, I saw how hurt she was by what they did and I did think they were in the wrong though I accept I only heard her side of it. I think she would feel I'd 'betrayed' her if I still see them socially. I don't want to add to her upset either but my DCs are very friendly with the other women's children too and don't want there to be any difficulties. We all live so close together I just want everyone to get on!

KingRollo Thu 02-May-13 07:19:51

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WyrdMother Thu 02-May-13 07:20:30

I have got stuck in this situation with two "playground parent" friends, I listened sympathetically to the injured party and if the other side brought it up politely refused to discuss it but suggested they should sort it out with the injured party.

I also avoided talking about the situation with any one else "They need to sort it out." and no more.

In that particular situation it seemed the least confrontational method of playing fair, but there's probably no perfect solution that keeps everyone happy.

KingRollo Thu 02-May-13 07:21:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

HarrySnotter Thu 02-May-13 07:25:32

Its just all so ridiculous. There have been various unpleasant texts going back and forth and they tried to drag me into that one but I ignored that thank god. They used to be such good friends and I've never really come across anything like this before. I also suspect there's a bit of a shit stirrer in the midst of it all which isn't helping.

KingRollo Thu 02-May-13 07:37:35

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

myBOYSareBONKERS Thu 02-May-13 07:38:37

It's not your argument to be having with them or to get involved with.

Continue seeing all of them and if the conversation turns to the situation then just remain very non-committal in your responses so you can't be accused of stirring or taking sides.

This happened to me recently and I took the approach above. It's all been resolved now and everyone is back to normal.

MissLurkalot Thu 02-May-13 07:56:34

I think everyone's given you good advice, to stay out of it.
But..... Just a word of warning. I've been the individual in this situation in a school mum/neighbour fall out. It was two against one and it was bullying basically. No matter what I did, nasty, below the belt games were played which unfortunately meant my child was affected and it meant that we had to pull him out of school and move to another part of town.
It happened over 15 months. Some people got involved and were wonderful, some people didn't. That's ok, that's their choice.
But I no longer keep in touch with them, and if I saw them, I would look the other way.
My situation maybe went further than this argument your trapped in... But having been in a two against one situation, it's hell.
And I really needed support. First time if ever been bullied, aged 36. And seeing my son upset was the last straw.
My warning is, you might not know his deep it goes with this hurt friend, or the two friends.
I am hopeful that things haven't gone as far as my situation did. But, you may lose a friendship or friendships over it.
I'm sure it won't come to that, but not knowing the detailed situation of the fall out (which we don't need to hear) and how deep the hurt goes.. I'm just highlighting one possible outcome.

But, I do believe, the best policy is to stay on the fence if you're not involved. But if you truly feel strongly about it, then, jump off with both feet!

It's a really shit position to be put in. And I truly hope it all works out and thinks don't escalate. I was sadly dealing with two toxic witches who had nothing better going on in their lives!

MissLurkalot Thu 02-May-13 08:14:53

Sorry, I just wanted to add that it was the best thing we ever did.. 2 yrs on, and wish we did it sooner. Better school, better house and better area... The move away worked in our favour, and we've never looked back.

MummytoKatie Thu 02-May-13 08:23:53

Interestingly there are a lot of posts on mumsnet about groups of women where there is a "queen bee" and someone (the poster) has stood up to her. The queen bee has then ignored her and everyone else has refused to take sides and stick up for the poster.

The general feeling as that these "refusers" are cowardly sheep wanting to suck up to the queen bee.

In other words, if your friend posted on here then it is likely that the advice given would be different.

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