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Long term crush on colleague

(129 Posts)
Iamanananas Wed 01-May-13 22:31:51

I have been married with DW for over 2 years, with her for more than 10. Things have not been great for a while. Not completely sure when it started but I reached a point when I lost all my confidence at home. I started to have a crush on my colleague almost 2 years ago. she is in a long term relationship with DB and I don't think she has even realised I like her. I started counselling a few months ago as the crush did not stop and my relationship with DW was not Improving. The crush started quite a while after the realisation that my relationship was not going the right way and i never had a crush until I met her. I know that DC is unreachable but I cannot stop thinking about her all the time. The more i go to counselling the stronger my feelings for DC become. it hurts so much and the guilt feeling is so intense!! I have not done anything wrong (yet) and, in some ways, I am proud of it and I am really trying to get thing working with DW. I'm so fed up to feel like this, and really feel abnormal in some ways. Has anybody been in a similar situation?

ladywiththelapdog Sat 25-May-13 10:11:27

I resurrect this thread to say to anyone who is contemplating similar, DON'T DO IT. The potential for getting hurt in situations like this is just too great, and the recovery really isn't easy. It is also almost inevitable that there will be misunderstandings between the parties, which cause further pain and embarrassment.

Life isn't so straightforward and we are fallible but from recent experience I am inclined to think that a simple, if dull life is preferable to the level of pain that comes when you allow feelings like this to take hold.

So OP, if you are still reading this, please give the woman a break, you don't know what you may be doing to her if you start playing with her.

I so wish I had never seen this thread.

LittleMissLucy Sat 04-May-13 03:04:23

I can't believe this thread is still active. It died for me long ago.

cafecito Sat 04-May-13 02:27:30

You are being an arse.

You must shake yourself out of this before you ruin your career and your marriage.

I do sympathise with the difficulty if you genuinely have feelings for your colleague. But she obviously doesn't reciprocate and you really must stamp them out. Surely it's exhausting.

I do also have experience of this myself, I fell head over heels for my boss hmm which was not a good idea, did not end well at all. I realise with hindsight, it wasn't my boss that was the issue, it was my total unhappiness in my relationship with (now ex) P that made those very intense feelings for my boss manifest themselves. I think this could be the case for you and you seriously need to work on your relationship with DW to the exclusion of any outside influences or concepts. The grass won't be greener. Try and save what you have.

SacreBlue Sat 04-May-13 02:05:00

I think the crush obsession thing started because the colleague made signs telling me she liked me

....and there we are, the expected it's her fault you have a crush hmm

Wind your neck in love, it's your responsiblilty, no one else's.

That single sentence clinched it for me, you are being an arse.

LessMissAbs Fri 03-May-13 21:57:37

And I think you must be right, I am bored in some ways but I am highly involved in sport and sees my job as a hobby because it is a great job (but manages to get away from it when required)

Oh Christ, another one of those annoying men who chats up women at races, whilst having a safe wife at home. I don't know what sport you do OP (and I don't want to), but I do running, and it is full of men who do this. Its really annoying. I go to races to race (a bit like your colleague goes to work to work). I also have a DH who does the same sport as me, like many of us, and we always feel a bit sorry for the lonely men behaving like this - its easy to tell them apart from the decent guys there on their own because those ones don't come across as creepy.

You're obviously one of those ones who has deliberately picked a partner who doesn't do the same hobbies as you, so you can act like a single men to get an ego boost when it suits you. Your dates indicate you started this obsession on your poor work colleague almost as soon as you got married, which says to me that you are a bit commitment phobic, but not enough to have the courage to actually be single and find someone who fulfils you.

Generally in this country, we embrace monogamy, and there are not many who would consider you a very desirable prospect, due to your awful behaviour.

caramelwaffle Fri 03-May-13 19:44:33

The surest way for you to extinguish this 'obsessive crush' is for you to tell your wife exactly what you have said here. Or better still, show her the thread and tell her you are the Op: Instant stoppage of feelings of crush - guaranteed.

PlasticLentilWeaver Fri 03-May-13 19:03:34

You confused 'like' with 'fancy'. It is perfectly possible for someone to like another person and not find them in the least attractive.

Anyway SGB and others have said it far more eloquently than I can. I feel sad for your colleague and your wife.

MamaMumra Fri 03-May-13 18:55:03

Following this thread and I have to say that you need to get a massive grip OP.

The time and energy you've spent navel gazing about this crush must be exhausting - and really unfair on your wife.

Please shit or get off the pot. YABVU - sorry to be blunt.

KatieScarlett2833 Fri 03-May-13 18:49:26

If my husband had posted this drivel I would want the collective nest of vipers to roll up here and tell me straight.
So I could kick his embarrassing arse out and find a proper man.

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-13 18:36:44


SolidGoldBrass Fri 03-May-13 18:30:01

I doubt she 'made signs' that she was interested in having sex with you. Does it not occur to you that she would have to be nice and polite to her new boss when she started working for you? Most people make an effort to be pleasant to their workmates, simply because it makes for a happier workplace if people get on well. The minute you started whining about how your wife doesn't understand you, this poor woman would have thought 'Oh shit, he's going to get his dick out in a minute, am I going to have to leave this job because the boss is a creep? Or will he get the message if I back off immediately?'
She's the one I feel really sorry for. She has done nothing to deserve your obsession with her, and it must make her very uncomfortable at work if she never knows at what point she's going to come round a corner and find you there with your cock in your hand.

Mondrian Fri 03-May-13 17:42:04

..... told her that my relationship was not going well and she withdrew then ....

Isn't that a rather obvious brush-off!

dogsandcats Fri 03-May-13 17:15:08

Even if your colleague did indeed make signs, you should have not done anything about them.
You are married. And at that time, you were recently married too.

All the energy and mental ability you have, try and use it for your marriage.

Iamanananas Fri 03-May-13 17:08:13

LessMissAbs:I clearly said that I thought this crush obsession was "obsessive" and I felt I was stupid. And I think you must be right, I am bored in some ways but I am highly involved in sport and sees my job as a hobby because it is a great job (but manages to get away from it when required). I think the crush obsession thing started because the colleague made signs telling me she liked me when she started to work with me. At that time, we spoke quite a lot and when I felt that it was possibly going to far I told her that my relationship was not going well and she withdrew then. With my relationship not improving (by maybe not working at it the way I should have) I started to wonder what would have happened if I had not say anything.

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-13 16:20:13

Yes it appears she does....strangely

dogsandcats Fri 03-May-13 16:16:13

But his wife still wants him AF grin

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-13 15:45:10

How did you guess, Iam ? grin wink

maddening Fri 03-May-13 15:44:45

So can you put your marriage first and do you want to stay with dw?

What about your wife attracted you to her? Is anything still there?

I think af would rather stab out her eyes than lumbar herself with you smile

LessMissAbs Fri 03-May-13 15:42:24

LessMissAbs: what I meant is that I should have done something to stop the crush earlier and I did not mean to try get sth out of the crush

In essence, you're talking about nothing. This is all in your head.

That said, I have had numerous irritating middle aged married men throughout my career who I've guessed have had crushes on me. So have my some of my female colleagues. Give them an inch and they will take a yard - I gave one of them my mobile number for work once and he started texting me at 6.00am in the morning - I complained to HR and he is no longer working at the company (unsure if its related). Its not restricted to men - I've heard a couple of male colleagues talking about the older woman at work who has a crush on them and flirts with them, always in quite cringeful terms.

If something had actually happened - if you actually knew this woman well and she reciprocated your attentions, you might be justified in having such strong feelings for her. As it is, you barely know her.

You do realise that another term for "crush" (which IMHO is a ridiculous term for a grown man to use) is "obsession"? The fact that you are going on and on about it on an online site dominated by women indicates that you somehow revel in female attention. Except again, its all in your head. You have not "seduced" anyway (you would probably be too scared to), you do not have a girlfriend, you have not even had a successful date with this woman.

Its a complete fantasy world, all of your own making. I really suggest you take up a sport or get some kind of outside interest, because you are clearly bored out of your skull, and at least that's a healthy and socially acceptable way of curing your boredom. You just like the attention though...

Next you will be regaling us with how your eyes locked across the water cooler, and you knew she felt the same about you as you did about her...

Iamanananas Fri 03-May-13 15:24:56

I think Anyfucker has got a crush on me and tries to take me away from my DW....

Iamanananas Fri 03-May-13 15:24:08

coppertop: i get your point

sacreblue and dogsandcat: thanks for trying to understand what's going on.

LessMissAbs: what I meant is that I should have done something to stop the crush earlier and I did not mean to try get sth out of the crush.

dogsandcats Fri 03-May-13 15:22:21

Are you interested in helping him salvage it?

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-13 14:50:46

No one from MN is destroying this bloke's marriage

He is managing that all by himself

Perhaps a bit of blunt honesty and justified contempt of his whining is needed to shock him out of his silly little romantic bubble


Not that I give much of a shit for him, tbh,, nor his marriage (so certainly no investment in "destroying" it)

My main concern is his wife

SacreBlue Fri 03-May-13 14:41:31

OP I didn't say that but I appreciate how hard it must be when when so many people are posting with great points

I will reply to your point though by reiterating one of the points I made - the 'crush' isn't a stray dog that will wander off by itself or a mystery rash that will fade on it's own.

You need to take action to address your fantasy world.

coppertop Fri 03-May-13 14:22:21

You keep saying that one of the big problems in your marriage is that your DW tells you that you don't feel the way you say you do. Can you really not see that if you've been trying to hide this crush from her for 2 years, your DW is speaking the truth??? You're NOT being honest about your feelings.

You're getting your cause and effect the wrong way round. You think "I have these feelings for another woman because my wife is telling me I'm not being honest at home" when the reality is "I'm not being honest with my wife because of my feelings for another woman."

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