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Long term crush on colleague

(129 Posts)
Iamanananas Wed 01-May-13 22:31:51

I have been married with DW for over 2 years, with her for more than 10. Things have not been great for a while. Not completely sure when it started but I reached a point when I lost all my confidence at home. I started to have a crush on my colleague almost 2 years ago. she is in a long term relationship with DB and I don't think she has even realised I like her. I started counselling a few months ago as the crush did not stop and my relationship with DW was not Improving. The crush started quite a while after the realisation that my relationship was not going the right way and i never had a crush until I met her. I know that DC is unreachable but I cannot stop thinking about her all the time. The more i go to counselling the stronger my feelings for DC become. it hurts so much and the guilt feeling is so intense!! I have not done anything wrong (yet) and, in some ways, I am proud of it and I am really trying to get thing working with DW. I'm so fed up to feel like this, and really feel abnormal in some ways. Has anybody been in a similar situation?

hely84 Thu 02-May-13 22:45:31

OP - given that your crush is "unreachable" as you say surely the issue here is your relationship with your wife?

If you don't love her or respect her, the best thing is to part. Why would either of you want to stay in a relationship that is unhappy, if you don't even have children?

These crushes come and go, really they do. I have had feelings in some way similar to yours, although there is family on both "sides", and as intense as these feelings can be, they will pass.

I also wonder why you take this so seriously when you seem to have had no response from your colleague?

LessMissAbs Thu 02-May-13 22:46:21

I agree with the poster above who suggested getting some kind of hobby or taking up a sport. You sound bored and its as if this crush has become your interest in life. Its at work because that seems to provide your main social stimulus.

Its entirely inappropriate in the workplace, particularly if its unreciprocated, the fallout for you and your career could be very serious indeed.

Its also rather childish.

BimbaBirba Thu 02-May-13 23:11:24

Anyfucker that's a bit harsh! Cut him some slack. He hasn't really done anything wrong.
We don't get to chose who we fall for but we can chose whether to act on the feelings or not and so far the OP
has behaved quite decently.
I don't understand why you would belittle his anguish. It really doesn't feel good to go to bed night after night feeling like you're sleeping next to the wrong person.

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 23:15:20

There is a solution to that, and it doesn't involve making a complete pillock of yourself in the workplace, nor does it comprise disrespecting the person you made vows to

if you no longer want to "sleep next to" that person, do the only decent thing and dissolve the marriage

Mumsyblouse Thu 02-May-13 23:17:48

It doesn't feel that nice sleeping next to a person who you know doesn't really want to be with you any more. His wife knows this, deep down. She's even said she's worried about him leaving. And, she's right to worry.

BimbaBirba Thu 02-May-13 23:20:51

Not always. Sometimes relationships get much stronger and better after a rough patch if you manage to get through it.

BimbaBirba Thu 02-May-13 23:24:44

Really who are we to say that this marriage is over and he should leave? If the OP eventually manages to get this crush out of his system and works hard at his marriage at the same time, in a few years' time he might rediscover that person he fell in love with and have an even stronger relationship.

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 23:25:30

A "rough patch" is it ?

Op is acting like a lovestruck buffoon and his wife knows it.

He will be lucky to "get through this" with his marriage and work profile intact

It won't be down to him if that actually occurs will be down to the women in his life indulging him and overlooking his idiocy

A bit like you are doing, BB

Don't worry though, it's quite common for men to be indulged in this way. It happens all the time. It's because they have a cock, I am led to believe.

BimbaBirba Thu 02-May-13 23:29:17

It could have been a woman writing that OP anyfucker.
I don't understand what having a cock has to do with it and why you think that us women are better than that?

Mumsyblouse Thu 02-May-13 23:31:12

I don't think the OP should just leave. I've suggested lots of ways he could revitalise his marriage, as have other posters. But in all honesty, the OP doesn't seem to be wanting to go down this route because he's spending lots of time mooning over his colleague

BimbaBirba Thu 02-May-13 23:32:26

I agree that telling her (the colleague) is a truly ridiculous and self indulgent proposition though (unless the OP
is 15)

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 23:35:14

Bimba, think very carefully before you answer this

Do you think so many excuses and rationalisations are made for women who act like this ?

or do they receive a disproportionate amount (in general society) of judgement for looking outside of their marriage and not "working" on relationships

SolidGoldBrass Thu 02-May-13 23:41:35

Leave your colleague alone. It is not her fault that you have developed a childish obsession with her. She does not owe you anything apart from professional courtesy, and while she may well be aware that you slobber and fiddle with yourself every time you look in her direction, she will be pretending that it isn't happening because she doesn't want any kind of romantic interaction with you. It would be unethical and unprofessional of you to insist that she takes notice of your penis feelings.

If your marriage isn't working, end it. But don't end it because you think that this will then entitle you to affection/sex/dates with the colleague who is not romantically or sexually interested in you. She is a person with her own life to lead and if she thinks of you at all it's probably as 'that loser drooling over me who gives me the creeps.'

BimbaBirba Thu 02-May-13 23:41:54

Honestly anyfucker, I don't think women receive more bad press than men do for cheating (or thereabouts). I agree that they're judged differently: the woman is the slut and the man the home wrecker but both equally bad IMO

blueshoes Thu 02-May-13 23:48:13

I agree with Bimba.

AnyFucker Thu 02-May-13 23:48:43

it's not a gender reverse thread though is it, bimba

this bloke here is thinking with his cock and deserves to be pulled up on it, not excused and patted on the head with glib promises he could "end up with a stronger relationship"

I hope his wife leaves him, tbh

blueshoes Thu 02-May-13 23:49:55

People don't necessarily notice colleagues have crushes on them. My boss had a crush on me for 8 years. I never noticed! I left the company when he finally confessed.

FairPhyllis Thu 02-May-13 23:50:30

You say you have not done anything wrong - yet. But you have. You have allowed yourself to become emotionally entangled with another woman and you are wallowing in it. No wonder your wife is closed off and anxious. She will be able to sense that you are emotionally distant.

You need to leave your wife if you don't want to be with her. If you want to be with her you need to change jobs and work on your marriage. It is up to you. Your wife can't do anything, because right now she doesn't know the full truth about her marriage. Because you are concealing it from her.

blueshoes Thu 02-May-13 23:53:50

A crush could end suddenly if something happens that changes its trajectory or you don't feed it, even if it has been going on for 18 months. Find something that will flip the switch - I wish I knew what. It usually means something else to occupy your thoughts - could be your DW, work or a new hobby.

LimitedEditionLady Fri 03-May-13 00:02:45

How is he thinking with his cock anyfucker?
Did you just pluck that from the sky?
so because hes a man it means he cant be attracted to someone for more than the reason of having sexual relations with them?
A person is a person. is it right to make a judgement about what someone feels based on theur genitals?

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-13 00:08:29

My heart tells me to try to "seduce" my crush and start everything again with her.

Yes, he is interested in her love of poetry. Indeed.

LimitedEditionLady Fri 03-May-13 00:13:13

Yeah because he can write every feeling he has on here on a thread.
Did you read the bit about him starting everything again with her? Or did you just block that bit out because you seem to think that men only want a relationship for sex?not their personality,that they make you laugh or dont have feelungs do they?

AnyFucker Fri 03-May-13 00:21:12

They don't need to do they, when there are saps like you around gagging to romanticise some nob's emotional abuse of his wife and idiotic mooning over some woman at his workplace

LittleMissLucy Fri 03-May-13 01:22:42

I agree with AnyFucker on this one. And many people here are enabling him, which he loves.

Get over it, get on with it, go away OP.

HullMum Fri 03-May-13 02:52:41

also agree with anyfucker.

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