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Long term crush on colleague

(129 Posts)
Iamanananas Wed 01-May-13 22:31:51

I have been married with DW for over 2 years, with her for more than 10. Things have not been great for a while. Not completely sure when it started but I reached a point when I lost all my confidence at home. I started to have a crush on my colleague almost 2 years ago. she is in a long term relationship with DB and I don't think she has even realised I like her. I started counselling a few months ago as the crush did not stop and my relationship with DW was not Improving. The crush started quite a while after the realisation that my relationship was not going the right way and i never had a crush until I met her. I know that DC is unreachable but I cannot stop thinking about her all the time. The more i go to counselling the stronger my feelings for DC become. it hurts so much and the guilt feeling is so intense!! I have not done anything wrong (yet) and, in some ways, I am proud of it and I am really trying to get thing working with DW. I'm so fed up to feel like this, and really feel abnormal in some ways. Has anybody been in a similar situation?

quoteunquote Wed 01-May-13 22:39:52

You have a crush on your brother's girlfriend who you work with?

I'm sorry I couldn't make sense of your post,

I understand you have a crush, you would like to get over the crush and make it work with your wife?

or you would like the crush to break up with DB (darling brother?) and you and her get together?

you need to clarify.

Mollydoggerson Wed 01-May-13 22:46:18

I think I get it.

DC Dear crush
db - Dear boyfriend (of crush).

Why are you staying with your wife, if you can't stop thinking about others, why not end it?

Iamanananas Wed 01-May-13 22:58:08

Sorry not completely used to mums net abbreviations yet. DC is colleague, DB is her boyfriend...

I am staying with DW because I have this strange feeling that leaving her would not be the right decision, that we are married and I therefore should should try to work things out.

ApocalypseThen Wed 01-May-13 22:59:47

Leaving her for a woman who shows no interest in you would be a mistake.

Leaving her because you're unhappy would not.

Iamanananas Wed 01-May-13 23:04:35

This is exactly what I think and I always expected the crush to go away. But it does not and it drives me nuts because it does not make any sense. I am pretty sensible person most of the time and i manage to be realistic about most things in life. But I don't understand why I'm still crazy about DC after so long and knowing that nothing has happened between us.

LessMissAbs Wed 01-May-13 23:22:51

Of course your colleague might not fancy you. Having a long term crush on someone without any evidence they fancy you back is a bit obsessive. Are you confusing her sharing a workplace with you with sharing some interest with you?

It sounds like you are using this odd crush to avoid thinking about your marriage.

HoveringKestrel Wed 01-May-13 23:26:54

I think the fact you call it a crush is exactly what it is. Youre possivly using this crush as a form of distraction from what is otherwise making you unhappy.

Its not the crush you should be focusing on but more the factor of why you feel unhappy. Your sense of anxiousness about leavong DW is possibly just a fear of change and the crush being a form of escapism.

QuintessentialOHara Wed 01-May-13 23:28:42

So you are going to counselling so that you can talk about your crush, and you are surprised that this is not helping?

Have you thought that you might be fanning the flames in counselling rather than extinguishing them?

To be honest, I think you should leave your wife rather than string her along if the marriage is not right for you. It is most fair on both of you to give your wife her freedom. If you have had a crush the entire time you have been married, it is rather pointless. And not fair on your wife at all!

LimitedEditionLady Wed 01-May-13 23:33:56 work with this woman all the time and she doesnt know?not an inkling?she must have noticed something surely if your feelings are so intense?
I think you are looking to another because you arent happy in your maybe see this woman at work as an escape in your mind and its kind of a safe fantasy because you know deep down it wont happen.
doesnt mean you cant work on it with your wife and that youll never get through it,people have rough times and forget why they fell in love in the first place.

LittleMissLucy Thu 02-May-13 00:04:37

I agree with QOHara on the seeing a counsellor front - its not helping, is it?

I don't advocate your LEAVING your wife though as I don't have enough knowledge about the pair of you to suggest that (and god, everyone is always suggesting that on here, at the drop of a bleedin hat!!)

What I would say is that a crush is your way of seeking an outlet for feelings which exist within you but aren't currently satisfied by your existing relationship.

I think you need to focus on your wife and work out what you both need, together as a couple. I imagine having a new child has put strain on your and possibly distance between you. And you must put your crush out of your mind. Really work on that as its like a habit you're indulging and only you can control it and you know that you can, ultimately.

Iamanananas Thu 02-May-13 08:16:40

You all made very good points and in some ways confirming my thoughts. The counselling is more about trying to understand this general sense of unhappiness and trying to make things work. I think it helps (it's good to be able to somebody!!). I really feel guilty about thinking about my colleague and acknowledge completely that I must be a bit obsessed/living a little fantasy, but despite that I am still mad about her (@ limited edition: I really don't think she knows, I work SO hard at hiding my feelings!!). Sometimes I really feel I should speak to her and explain my feelings but I am so scared about the repercussions on my working life and ultimately the effects it would have on my relationship... what do you think?

Xmasbaby11 Thu 02-May-13 08:29:30

I wouldn't speak to her. There's no evidence she is interested, and it will only make things awkward, especially since you work together. I feel your crush could be on anyone and is a symbol of your relationship problems.

DeepRedBetty Thu 02-May-13 08:43:08

Please don't tell your colleague. You know exactly what will happen - everyone will just be hideously embarrassed.

Is there any chance you could transfer to somewhere, so you're no longer seeing her all the time. 'Out of sight out of mind' is too simplistic a way to put it, but it would stop you having to spend a lot of mental energy in trying to avoid exposing your feelings, and give you time to focus on your relationship with the woman you must have loved enough to marry.

QuintessentialOHara Thu 02-May-13 09:20:00

You leave one relationship before you start exploring the next.

If you need an adrenaline rush, or your life is so boring that you need to take risks both in your working life and marriage, how about taking up a new sport? Mountain biking? Sailing? Climbing? Squash?

At least, you wont end up sacked, humiliated or divorced!

The other woman is going to think you are a total creep if you declare any feelings for her as long as you are married, and she is in a relationship. She will think you a scumbag!

fuzzypicklehead Thu 02-May-13 11:38:10

I have a long-term crush on Robert Downey Jr. I'm not going to leave my husband in the hopes that he'll return my affections. Nor do I feel the need to chat to a therapist about it or contact him to let him know just how I feel. Because that's when it stops being a nice diversion and becomes plain frickin' creepy.

The whole point of a crush is that you know it's not requited and so you spend a few minutes daydreaming about it and then you get on with your life. Making your feelings known when she's involved with someone else is both impractical (don't shit where you eat) and selfish. Why involve this innocent person in your mental drama? If you can't put her out of your head, then get a different job.

If you can't make your marriage work, then end your marriage. But don't use some non-relationship as an excuse.

aldiwhore Thu 02-May-13 11:50:54

I think you have to separate the issues.

Issue one is your marriage, what time limit have you put on it to sort things out? Have you both tried counselling TOGETHER? Because just sorting your own head out really won't help. Best not to mention the crush, I feel it's probably symptomatic of your misery, whenever my marriage goes through a distant patch, my crushes and daydreams become more instense, to deflect the feelings of misery.

Issue two is working with someone you have a major crush on. You say nothing has happened yet, so if you and she were stranded in a hotel, and the opportunity arose would you take it, even though she has a boyfriend and you are married? If so, you have to ask would you accept the consequences? Because if you want your marriage to work, and want to keep your job, that's a hell of risk to take.

A friend of mine recently left her workplace and got a new job because something would have happened eventually with her colleague, she had real feelings for him, and he felt the same, but she was not prepared to have that be the excuse for her marriage breakdown - her marriage strangely got better once she left and wasn't being tortured by what ifs every day. Coincidence maybe?

For you marriage to have a chance at all I think you need to fully commit to your marriage, so perhaps that means physically leaving the place that tortures you, or, more difficulty, emotionally leaving those daydreams.

I wish you luck, it's not a pleasant situation to be in, very confusing, and I think trying to work through both things at once is too much. If your colleague and you are supposed to be together, it will happen even if you're not seeing each other all the time. Likewise, if your marriage is doomed, it will die on it's own even after 100% commitment to trying.

Working through both issues at the same time will inevitably lead to some bad decision making... (even if 5 years down the line it all works out!)

QuintessentialOHara Thu 02-May-13 11:51:15

And dont let some non relationship prevent you from building a good marriage and life with your wife.

FWIW, I have a crush on Jeremy Renner. He has replaced Captain Jack Sparrow. I can fantasize about either, it is quite safe. There is no chance that Mr Renner will knock on my door and ask me out. (And if he did, I would actually decline as I dont need some actor woo me when I have perfectly good and decent husband, who looks quite like him wink )

It occurs to me that you are putting up barriers and being quite emotionally unavailable. You keep your wife at an arms length because you have a crush. You have a crush on a woman who is in a relationship, who works with you, so is wrong for all the wrong reasons.

Time for you to start exploring why you have made yourself emotionally unavailable to your wife, while at the same time you focus on a woman who herself is emotionally unavailable to you. What are you scared of?

Januarymadness Thu 02-May-13 11:56:27

do you have any children with your wife? I would suggest you are displacing your unhappiness in your relationship with the idea of happiness elsewhere. All long term relationships have rough patches and need work. If you want it to work concentrate on that. If not walk away....

maddening Thu 02-May-13 13:50:37

So what are the problems with your relationship with your wife? They are what you should be focusing on - not the woman who you have a crush on.

What is different now to when you first fell in love with dw?
Has she changed?

Iamanananas Thu 02-May-13 13:55:01

I am surprised you are not all trying to cut my throat open , that's reassuring!

DW and I always had ups and downs, just like in any other relationships and always to work things out by being very open. But this time, we don't seem to manage to make things work. In fact I don't manage to trust myself/her to make things work. We both try very hard, but each time I try to verbalise my feelings she blocks me in some ways, telling me that what I say is not what I feel for example. It is very hard to take from somebody you are close to. Don't get me wrong, she is really a good person and I am sure you would all find her great but she always has to be right , whatever it takes, and it is difficult to deal with on a daily basis and I don't manage to make her understand that I am struggling more and more with it.

For the colleague, I really cannot leave my current job, it's the job I always dreamt of and the business would not work without me (it's not my business but almost...). I really don't understand why i continue to be attracted to a woman who is not "emotionally open to me". It's not my style... or I thought it was not!! I always knew that imagining a possible relationship with this girl would be stupid but I don't seem to be able to help it. It is so strange and very disturbing...

Iamanananas Thu 02-May-13 13:55:48

DW would like children but I don't think it is a great idea right now!

maddening Thu 02-May-13 14:04:54

So when you verbalise your concerns with dw how do you approach her?

Is there any reason she might be more closed off than she used to be? Have you changed your approach towards her possibly on account of the crush?

Iamanananas Thu 02-May-13 14:17:51

I have now great difficulties to approach her as I have the feeling that whatever I say DW will tell me it is wrong or she won't take it the right way or, as I said earlier, she will tell me that what I say is not really what I mean.

She is completely closed off now because she knows I am not happy and she thinks that I will leave her. I try to reassure her and explain to her I don't want to. I gave a lot away for this relationship and it gave me a lot back. But she does not seem to trust me anymore and I have the feeling that whatever I do/say is not right and with the feeling of not being trusted anymore, it has become very difficult.

I try to tell myself as much as possible that my crush on the colleague is a fantasy (because it is) but despite that I am still attracted to the colleague. I don't think my crush has changed me that much. It maybe made be less patient with DW and realised that I was right sometimes (That sounds harsh!!)

Timetoask Thu 02-May-13 14:30:06

Are you having couple's therapy?
You obviously need to work on trying to salvage your marriage. Your DW seems to be very closed to discussion.
Could you try writing a letter to her telling her more or less what you've said here? (dont mention crush obviously).
I see what you mean about her wanting to always have the final word. That can be very tiring.

How long have you known the crush for? What is it you like about her?

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