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I'm new and i need advice regarding my MIL. Help!

(37 Posts)
MommyBird Wed 01-May-13 21:28:31

Hi! smile I'm new here!
Im married, have a 3 year old lg and im almost 27 weeks pregnant (ARGHHH!) with our 2nd lg smile

Now, before i ask your advice, there is SO much more to this..honestly..just so much more.

For the past 4ish years, my OH has been picking his mother up on a weekday afternoon..bringing her to our house to see our lg and taking her home.
He is a postman and works full time, finished work at latest 2 o'clock.
She works part time, doesn't drive, uses buses every day to get to and from work, live about 10 mins car ride away.
(Our lg isn't allowed to go to his moms as she smokes and refuses to not smoke around our lg, so she comes to our house)
My hubby has done this constantly, every week unless she cancels (which is alot) if he cannot pick her up for any reason, we had the whole gilt trip about how we're stopping her seeing her grandchild..she doesn't see her we change days/cancels plans so he can pick her up to come to our house.
We have made every effort, from inviting her to places, taking and picking her up, taking her shopping to buy our lgs christmas/birthday presents, allsorts.

Recently hubby has got a promotion at work (woo grin) which means more hours at he isn't finishing till he can't pick his mom up as he's not finishing early anymore...ive got spd, not so great..and our lg is in the process of starting Nursery..things are abit hectic!
My MIL and FIL have gotten a car..they have had it now for about a week..they can only come down in the car on a saturday due to my FIL's work..and some saturdays he can't come down as he has another job.
We have asked his mom if she would catch the bus down on a weekday afternoon (he would take her home) when they cannot come down on a saturday..this isn't good enough for her as she doesn't want to catch the bus (she is 41 btw, not old, not disabled) the bus stops near enough outside our house, its 30 minute bus ride max!
My hubby gets 1 day off in the week where we do something..just me, him and our lg like take her to a farm or a day out..just "us 3 time"
My MIL has asked if on his day off instead of "us" doing something he can pick her up from work about 1...take her home..then come to our house which i think is VERY cheeky considering they've had the car for a week now and havn't even popped down to see our lg!
Hubby said no, as its his only day off and he wants to spend it with us, which tbh, i don't see anything wrong with.
So instead of not catching the bus..she's now going 3 weeks without seeing our lg and coming down a few saturdays away when her husband can bring her all beacuse she can't be bothered to make the effort to catch the bus.

How would you feel about this? My husband has bent over backwards for her and there's no effort on her side, at all.
Shall i just allow it and let it go? I just think that all the rubbish she has said about how much she wants to see our lg and she would "walk to the hospital..even if it was at 3am when she was born just to see her" (she was born at 1am, and no, she didn't come to the hospital :'))
she obviously doesn't want to see her that much.
It feels like she's picking and dropping my daughter when she can bothered, or when its easy for her.
Any advice would be great..there is alot more to this story..this is the recent issue. x

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Wed 01-May-13 21:31:50

She's over too much. Once a week is fine. Just put a stop to the mid week visits. Unless she is providing childcare then there really is no reason why she needs to come over several days a week!
Your husband probably needs to explain the arrangements to her and let her strop if she wants to.

Squitten Wed 01-May-13 21:35:00

I thought she was about 80 until you said she's only 41!!

YANBU! If she doesn't want to come and visit, it's her loss.

MommyBird Wed 01-May-13 21:35:54

Sorry i ment to say he picks her up once a week..on a weekday afternoon.
I also think once a week is enough! :') x

Springdiva Wed 01-May-13 21:36:00

My DM passed her driving test at age 60!

LunaticFringe Wed 01-May-13 21:36:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MommyBird Wed 01-May-13 21:39:32

Thats what ive been saying to myself. I think im more annoyed that now its down to her to make the effort..its once a week and she cant be bothered...yet if we had done it, we would of been made to feel guilty.

DontmindifIdo Wed 01-May-13 21:41:04

If she doesn't see your DD, then it's your MIL that's missing out, I'm sure your DD will have as much, if not more fun having days out with her daddy.

don't worry, sooner or later, she'll realise her little protest isn't working. If she loves your DD then she'll back down. If not, don't worry about it, then she's not a positive influence on your DD's life.

SlightlyJaded Wed 01-May-13 21:41:09

This is ridiculous - why on earth is she coming every day?? There is no need and it is taking over your life. My mum lives 5 minutes away and pops round once a week - if that - and we stop by there for a cup of tea on the way back from the park on a Sat morning and sometimes (SOMETIMES) have Sunday lunch together. None of these arrangements are carved in stone and if we don't pop in on our way back from the park, it's no biggie.

Does your DH not think you might like to spend some time alone with your DD? Or perhaps with your own friends. Every Day - dear god, I would be going loopy even if she was the loveliest woman in the world.

All that aside, of course she should get the bus sometimes if she wants to come round. It all sounds completely one sided and she sounds very demanding. It's lovely that she wants to spend so much time with your DD - you can read some of the posts on MN where parents show a complete lack of interest and how painful that can be - but this is Excessive. Put your foot down now, before it gets worse.

Welcome to MN by the way grin

SlightlyJaded Wed 01-May-13 21:41:51

Oh ok Xpost - once a week is not so bad

She should still get the bus though smile

sue52 Wed 01-May-13 21:42:09

She's 41 for goodness sake. I dread to think what she'll be like at 60. Let her get the bus, you need your "just us" day. She sounds way too demanding, nip it in the bud this instant or it will become unbearable.

MommyBird Wed 01-May-13 21:42:33

She said she has no interest in learning to drive as she uses public transport to get to A to B..yet moans she doesnt want to catch the bus. weird.
When my lg starts nursey propley..i'll have to catch a bus with her and my newborn in a parm, 6 times a week. i'd much prefer her bus trip ha!

LilyAmaryllis Wed 01-May-13 21:43:02

Good for your husband!

DontmindifIdo Wed 01-May-13 21:43:41

It is annoying, BTW - when you're lead to believe that something is sooo important to someone so you have to bend over backwards for them, then suddenly you find that they aren't all that fussed when they have to do some work.

At least you know before DD2 arrives, and you know to take her claims of "oh, my granddaughters are so important to me" with a big fat pinch of salt - it will make it easier for you to say no without feeling guilty.

MommyBird Wed 01-May-13 21:45:09

If she came down everyday i would of murdered her by now..but i have no fear of that..she cant manage one day..let alone everyday! :')

dottyspotty2 Wed 01-May-13 21:45:53

She's younger than me then its her loss no one elses don't feel guilty about it.

Nagoo Wed 01-May-13 21:48:10

Once you have got nursery to fit in, and new baby and DH's job you will find it a lot harder to accommodate your MIL. I used to visit my dad every week but I went back to work, DS started school and DD goes to nursery, so we talked about it and he now comes to us a bit more.

Tell her when you can fit in her visits, don't tell her what else you are doing with your time, just ' We are in on weds afternoon and Friday morning', or whatever it is, and invite her to come to you. If she does, she does.

MommyBird Wed 01-May-13 21:51:07

Thank you ladies!
Im just going to let whatever really. my lg doesnt really know her very well..and makes no effort when she actually comes down..just a shame really. shes all talk and uses money as a sign of 'love.'
it is her loss. not my lgs! Luckily my parents are super grandparents and worship the ground she walks on.
I just hope one day she'll realise what an idoit she's been. thank you again ladies smile

lcdaff Wed 01-May-13 22:35:51

I've got one of these. In fact I'm wondering if our mother in laws could be related. My dd apparently means the world to her and dh and I are keeping her from her.
She has an open invertation within reason to pop out and visit us as she likes. All we ask is that she gives us some notice, ie a phone call or text the night before or on the day and avoids the couple of set activities we do within the week. By nature we are very felxable people and don't plan too much for our days in advance, I'm on maternity leave and dh works split shift. So appart from two activites I go to every week with dd we just wait and see what the day brings.
Mil can't stand this, despite the fact she doesn't work, is in good health and in her 40s she refues to come out to us. Like op's mil she's 5mins away by car, 30 mins by bus which drops feet from our front door. She doesn't drive and couldn't possiably catch the bus. Instead she has to wait until her working sister has a day off, usually one of our activity days, so she can be driven to see us. Dh will dutifully inform her time's not convenant for us as she already knows but why doesn't she come by x time in the week or we're doing x, come and meet us and we'll go together.
On the few occations she has made it out to us, can be counted on the diggets of one hand, after press ganging her sister into using a day of holiday will ask what time is best to visit, a choice of times will be given and asked just to avoid dd's current sleep time. Night before visit we'll be informed that she is coming during sleep time. Cue lots of huffing and puff that that baby is asleep again and horror that we will not wake her to play with her nana! As soon as dd does wake it's suddenly time for nana to go!
She makes many demands of my dh through other family members that he bring dd to her or bus out to collect her and bring her to ours, simply not going to happen. We, meaning me, are vile and horriable and simply making her misserable, she just wants to be able to cuddle her granddaughter!
Dh used to panda to her, she's always been this way but is ten times worse now dd is involved. He stopped right about the time he started losing sleep. We will vist once a month , but no more as the experanice makes dh fume as we are ignored until we are gathering our things to leave.
I spent all of a months stressing over dd missing out and feeling guilty then ran out of energy and patience for it all. She choose not to make the effort to visit and to visit at sleep times when she is free to visit at any time and does not engage in visits. She's the one missing out. For me it's dh's choice how to deal with this and I follow his lead, if he wants to visit his mother we'll go.
The fact is he doesn't. I make, sorry enccourage him by handing him a ringing phone, to call her once a week. If she answers she's reminded she could visit if she likes and to call if she's in town.
She doesn't call or answer calls so finds herself very out of the loop. She act hurt about it all she likes, but I'm of the oppinion she just likes to have something to moan about.
The best piece of advice I can give you is to let go of any guilt you feel, your dh's feelings are the important ones, not hers. Like my mil she can make her own bed!
Sorry for the rambling rant, venting is very theraputic!
And inevetable typos- phone!

MommyBird Wed 01-May-13 22:46:32

Oh wow.
Its like i could of wrote that. she must be her twin.
My oh has gotten wise to what his mother is like..which has made things easier for us to stand upto her, as a team..not just me having a moan!
The balls in her court now..they have a car and more spare time. she even has a nap for a few hours after work..
I could go on, i really could!

seriouscakeeater Wed 01-May-13 23:29:17

I would be bloody greatful! If she chooses not to come tough! Don't buckle Under emotional black mail. She is an adult, she knows how she is behaving!

She is just pissed that she isn't top priority any more .

Metbird Thu 02-May-13 01:03:33

It makes me laugh... She's only 41 for crying out loud! Tell her to get a bike! Don't give in...she is just being an idiot. And enjoy your day together, time goes ever so quickly when they are young!

EldritchCleavage Thu 02-May-13 12:47:29

Forty-one! That's younger than me, and I've got 2 kids under 5! It sounds as though she likes the idea/appearance of being a doting and popular granny, but can't really be bothered in reality. Leave the ball in her court-if she won't come, it's her loss. If you do all the work, your children will form a relationship with her when it looks as though she may well let them down in the future.

wigglesrock Thu 02-May-13 12:57:55

God, she's only 2 years older than me shock Don't get involved, let your husband tell her that she's being unreasonable and to have a good look at herself.

Just one little piece of advice, don't compare sets of grandparents, I know your parents are being brilliant but there can sometimes be a little resentment between people re who's more of a granny etc. Hopefully your mil will catch herself on.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy and congratulations to your husband on the promotion smile

diddl Thu 02-May-13 13:16:47

Christ alive-41!!!

Well done your husband for saying he wants his week day with you all.

Let her stew & sort herself out!

My ILs would only come over at a weekend when my husband was there.

So that was once every three weeks as husband couldn't bear more than that!

(I had offered that they come & see me & the kids for the day & just see husband for half an hr or so after work)

So, they have virtually missed their only GC growing up (husband an only).

We are in Germany & they've never been overhmm

We've even invited them for CHRISTMAS & they refused!!

Sorry, ranting-don't waste your time thinking about it!

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