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to want my step-daughter to move back to her mum's

(65 Posts)
hugsuzie Wed 01-May-13 20:56:34

The police have been round again tonight. She's smoking bongs in the graveyard with her dopey boyfriend and his mate - both well known to the police. She's 16 and has lived with us since she was 10. In that time she has lied and stolen, puked my finest red wine on my favourite carpet. Played truant so many times we've been fined and burned, smashed or broken countelss pices of household crockery. Oh and slapped me and spat at me.
She's a feisty one and no mistake. She is currently not revising for the remaining 3 GCSEs she's being allowed to sit.
Surely, after this, it's time for a break? I have two younger kids - do they need to see this? They really look up to their big sister. Our relationship has disintegrated so much that when I see her it's so hard not to just remember the hurt and lies. I try to be nice but my hosptality is wearing dangerously thin - there's sooo much anger in me.

mynewpassion Wed 01-May-13 20:59:06

Would you kick your own child out in the same situation

mrsjay Wed 01-May-13 20:59:45

I know somebody who has asked her 16 yr old to go and live with her dad for a while as her mum is really struggiling to cope, and needed a bit of support , can she got to her mums over the summer to give you a break, is she intending to leave school ? she sounds hard work but a lot of 16 yr olds are, speak to her dad and speak to her mum and aks her mum to take her for a while, leave your door open to her though

BallerinaZeena Wed 01-May-13 21:00:43

That must be tough but throwing her out isn't going to help.

And your 'hospitality' is wearing thin? She's lived with you for six years - she isn't a guest. Is she?


BonaDrag Wed 01-May-13 21:01:14

Did you like her when she was 10?

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed Wed 01-May-13 21:01:34

I understand it must be hard. What does your dh say? Is her mother an option as surely theres a reason she isn't there anyway and has something happened in her life to make her behave this way?

maddening Wed 01-May-13 21:02:05

what have you done (as in you and her father) to address her behaviour - what do you think caused this?

cozietoesie Wed 01-May-13 21:02:40

What does her father say? (Your DH/DP I assume.)

newbiefrugalgal Wed 01-May-13 21:02:42

Well said mrsjay.
Maybe she needs just as much of a break as you.

Is her mum around? Supportive?
What does your DH think?

Squitten Wed 01-May-13 21:02:51

Well, would you kick your own daughter out for behaving like this? That's your answer really

HollyBerryBush Wed 01-May-13 21:03:45

What does her father say?

Plenty of single mums chuck out teenagers to live with their fathers when they can't cope any further.

Although if you are considering rehoming her, it says much about your partners (and your) parenting skills as it says about the girl

IfNotNowThenWhen Wed 01-May-13 21:05:57

Hospitality???? Nuff said.

hugsuzie Wed 01-May-13 21:06:07

'Kicking out' is rather harsh. I want her to go to her Mum's not on the streets. Mrs Jay you have a good point I know of other Mum's who sent their kids to their Dad's for a break. Maybe a summer break is what she needs... Door IS always open to her. She is part of the family, but it's nice not to have to watch your purse all the time. She'll be back at Christmas - for sure.

ruby1234 Wed 01-May-13 21:06:50

Clearly no one else thinks so, but I'm sending you some big hugs x x x x .
I hope you can work something out. x

WorraLiberty Wed 01-May-13 21:06:54

I think more info is needed, like what do her parents think about it? What have you all done to support/help her so far?

And how do you get yourself fined by your LA due to truancy, unless you weren't liaising/in constant contact with them?

BruthasTortoise Wed 01-May-13 21:07:26

If she's genuinely troubled sending her to live with her mum isn't going to help. If she's fallen in with a bad crowd a fresh start in a new area may be for the best.
However, and I'm speaking as a fellow residential stepmum, you don't extend "hospitality" to a child of the household, she is a member of your household not a guest.

hugsuzie Wed 01-May-13 21:07:55

Her Mum WANTS her to go back to her. But she wants to stay with BF and us.

hugsuzie Wed 01-May-13 21:10:47

Sorry "Hospitality" refers not to her but to the Dopey mates that loaf round my kitchen waiting for their tea and spit on my doorstep.

TerrysAllGold Wed 01-May-13 21:12:42

YANBU. I'd more than just want her to be moving back to her mums, I'd be packing her bags.

BruthasTortoise Wed 01-May-13 21:14:22

Ah right I thought it was a strange turn of phrase smile. Parenting teenagers is hard, there are some good threads, full of advice and support on the teenagers board. I know that concerns about younger sibs being influenced by bad behaviour from an older child is a real worry for many parents and not only in blended family situations.

hugsuzie Wed 01-May-13 21:14:32

Worralibery We, well DH, was liasing with them. We got fined after step D told the EWO to fuck off in one meeting. There were letters and warnings before the fine. (the truanting all started because she was bullied and the school wouldn't acknowldege it). Also as I've said, both parents also want her to move to her Mums.

KirjavaTheCat Wed 01-May-13 21:15:41

There's a fine line between tough love, and the point at which children (because she's still a child) feel like their parents may have given up on them. Do you feel her going back to her mum will change her behaviour for the best, or make it worse?

Softlysoftly Wed 01-May-13 21:16:18

I disagree, she's obviously struggling or had issues that have led to bad behaviour, by asking her to leave her home you are saying she isn't secure and isn't in receipt of unconditional love sorry it's wrong.

If however this is all recent and linked to a bad crowd than Yes tell her that and get her away from them to her mum's.

Squitten Wed 01-May-13 21:17:33

Why doesn't she want to go to her Mum's? What's their relationship like?

mrsjay Wed 01-May-13 21:17:59

but to the Dopey mates that loaf round my kitchen waiting for their tea and spit on my doorstep

TBh id tell the pals to bugger off they all sound disrespectful .

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