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Sensitive issue...

(25 Posts)
OaktreeandMe Wed 01-May-13 16:36:08

Is it wrong to be hurt/upset when your partner masturbates? If it is done instead of having sex with your partner?

Can't help but feel hurt when it happens and hate being lied to when he pretends he hasn't done it. I want to be priority over porn and 'wanking'. Why do I feel like i'm not enough when I know this behaviour is normal for men?

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 01-May-13 16:39:03

I couldn't give a tiny shite about waking. Porn is different.

MrsTerryPratchett Wed 01-May-13 16:40:01

That would be wanking. Why is it instead of sex with you?

HandMini Wed 01-May-13 16:41:30

It may well not be "instead of sex with you". Having sex and masturbating are two very different things...sometimes I want one, sometimes the other.

EuroShaggleton Wed 01-May-13 16:42:42

Well it wouldn't bother me at all.

MrsWolowitz Wed 01-May-13 16:42:48

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OaktreeandMe Wed 01-May-13 16:43:23

That's my concern MissTerryPratchett. Why instead of sex with me?

thebody Wed 01-May-13 16:47:29

If he is always wanking instead of having sex with you then that's concerning.

If he needs porn to come and can't with u then that's concerning.

But if its now and again or as well as sex with you then that seems fine.

Why does he lie about it? Is he worried?

CloudsAndTrees Wed 01-May-13 16:47:45

There's nothing wrong with it if he can do it when he wants an still maintain a healthy sexual relationship with you. But if wanking and porn really is more important or enjoyable to him than having sex with his wife, then I would suggest that there is more than just this one issue going on.

Him lying about it is wrong, but understandable if he knows that the truth will result in a row when technically he's oing nothing wrong.

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Wed 01-May-13 17:01:26

It's an entirely different pleasure to sex. It's based on self gratification entails thinking about someone you. Not everyone wants that ALL the time. He's entitled to fond of that myself. But it is a separate issue.

seriouscakeeater Wed 01-May-13 17:05:02

I don't know who does it more me or DH grin

McNewPants2013 Wed 01-May-13 17:37:44

Have you spoken about it to your DP

Chewmebush Wed 01-May-13 18:08:44

I don't agree with pornography in any context. Wanking in addition to sex I think is acceptable. Instead of is definitely an issue. Is this the case OP?

HollyBerryBush Wed 01-May-13 18:12:24

Wouldnt bother me one iota.

We only view porn together

EhricLovesTeamQhuay Wed 01-May-13 19:33:13

When you say instead of sex do you mean you don't have much of a sex life? Because that's an issue with or without wanking. Masturbation in addition to sex with a partner (not instead of) is fine.

squoosh Wed 01-May-13 19:36:54

Wanking is fine and healthy but I'm assuming from what you write that your sex life is lacking? Not so healthy.

Do you cross examine him as to his mastubatory habits?

TidyDancer Wed 01-May-13 19:54:40

This wouldn't bother me at all.

It's surely up to your DH what he does with his own body, isn't it?

OaktreeandMe Thu 02-May-13 01:36:36

I have spoken to him about it. I think the problem is that he is too tired at night time. And he gets home early afternoon (before me) and satisfies himself so that at night he wouldn't really have a desire for anything because it's already been met.

This is why it makes me angry. Not enough effort is put into us. If I dont initiate sex or ask for it then it literally will never happen. That's not fair, I don't want to have to beg for it. That definitely lowers the self esteem!!

maddening Thu 02-May-13 06:20:21

he needs to hold out for you - he could get home and have a nap then be rearing to go at bedtime - doesn't have to be every day obviously.

Fairylea Thu 02-May-13 09:19:24

Sex and masturbation are entirely different. Masturbation is like a self massage really, it destresses you and can help you sleep! It doesn't have the same feelings as having sex or require the same energy levels.

Both dh and I masturbate sometimes, we don't discuss it really apart from occasionally we might laugh about it and tease each other playfully ("you're such a wanker!"- all banter).

It doesn't bother either of us at all but we do have regular sex too. It hasn't replaced sex.

maddening Thu 02-May-13 09:56:22

Ps I don't have any problem with masturbation but if his post work wank is impacting your sex life it wouldn't hurt for him to hold off till bedtime a couple of times a week smile

SanitaryOwl Thu 02-May-13 10:47:10

Yes, YABU to be upset about wanking generally - but if he's wanking instead of having sex (as opposed to *as well*) then it's probably a sign of something. You really do need to talk to him about this.

Groovee Thu 02-May-13 10:59:18

I don't have an issue with wanking. Sometimes I'm asleep and dh is horny and needs to relieve himself.

I would have an issue if he wasn't making time for me. Do you get time alone with no one else about or could you consider morning sex? I went through a stage of waking dh up at 4am for a shag! Was a nice start to the day.

DionFortune Thu 02-May-13 11:05:07

If he is choosing porn over sex you have a problem.

Chewmebush Thu 02-May-13 11:54:36

Agree with maddening. Have a chat with him about holding off for you. It's not nice to be made to feel like a sex pest and your self esteem is worth more than that.

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