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to be shaking and crying

(58 Posts)
ariane5 Wed 01-May-13 14:26:12

After MASSIVE argument with mil.

It has been brewing for years, she owes us money, undermines and criticises me and belittles the dcs disabilities.

Today she phoned and had a go that dh was off work for dcs to all have their mmr (we have 4 dcs) told me I should learn to drive etc and do these things myself, I pointed out we neither have the funds for driving lessons OR the time.
She went on to criticise most aspects of my parenting and how terrible it is that dh is off for so many hosp appts and that bil business is suffering because of me and dcs (dh works for bil)

She was horrible and I bit, lost my temper and told her exactly what I thought. How dare she criticise us we try so hard with 4 very poorly dcs-bil knew the situation when he employed dh but apparently I am making bil ill as he has to work longer hours when dh is off.

Aibu to be so upset?

raisah Thu 02-May-13 02:52:47

All of the above, how nasty can she be towards her own gc. As suggesed above speak to your BIL re working hours and work out an arrangement. Not the best time to job hunt but it might be time ti look elsewhere. That way you can both create space between you & in-laws.

Try homestart they may be able to offer you some practical support so you get a break from caring from your dc. its easy to burn out when you are juggling. I hope you ok.

MyShoofly Thu 02-May-13 02:41:55

I hope you told her to fuck right off and mind her own business OP. I can tolerate a lot of things....but that is INTOLERABLE. YADNBU. Stand firm.

IneedAsockamnesty Thu 02-May-13 00:57:42


I'm feeling very harsh today so I'm going to recamend slapping her next time you see her.

wonderingagain Wed 01-May-13 23:31:13

Homestart are brilliant - it's nuts that they have taken away their funding.

Funding has changed for local authorities to supply respite and they are commissioning groups to provide the services. In my LA it means that you have to apply direct to the disabled childrens team (and be a bit pushy) to get what you need. They should be helping you anyway, but in my LA they tend to only respond to child protection matters and you have to push them for anything that's not urgent.

Once you give up work it's hard to get back in so I wouldn't recommend it - you really should be getting respite or portage on top of the DLA.

ariane5 Wed 01-May-13 17:41:45

We have not been offered any support, HV just advised with each of dcs to claim dla and if we needed help, e.g a cleaner as we were so snowed under with appts that it should come out of the dla.
I have a lovely homestart lady come 1 morning a week but only have 2 weeks left as their funding has been taken away.

Dh and I just try to juggle appts etc between ourselves and his work.At one point he nearly gave up to help caring for dcs but we have persevered so far and really would prefer that he stays working but its really hard.

fedupofnamechanging Wed 01-May-13 17:38:27

Why don't you just cut her off completely - it would be worth the loss of the money, just to never have to deal with the poisonous cow again!

And stop lending her money!

SouthernComforts Wed 01-May-13 17:17:39

Yanbu. At all. But all the MIL stuff aside, do you and dh have any other support? Any respite?

I only have one dd with health issues and I have been offered support, hv told me last week she could arrange transport for us to a hospital appointment. Community nurses used to sit with dd during tube feeds whilst I showered etc..

Do you have any of these options?

toffeelolly Wed 01-May-13 17:06:11

YANBU. Just tell her to but out, you would think she would be trying to help you instead of causing trouble like this.

wonderingagain Wed 01-May-13 16:58:35

Oh so there's a favourite sil. Classic narc mother family setup. Pit the kids against each other, always have a favourite that will never cross you because she knows she will get the treatment if she does. Shower her with gifts but not the others to enhance sibling jealousy so that they can retain their position as centre of the universe!

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Wed 01-May-13 16:51:18

YANU to be upset. sad

Oh dear, your families are really causing you a lot of distress. You need to try your hardest to distance yourselves and accept that you can't expect others to help you with your kids. (Even if it is mean of them) I understand that you need extra help, is there anyone else who can help out.
Leave all dealings with your MIL to your DH.
You and your DH have an awful lot on your plate and it is totally understandable that you are all feeling stressed.

I hope things improve.

ariane5 Wed 01-May-13 16:50:18

No need to apologise- I should have put in my op that dh and I also have health issues but I was so angry and trying to type out about the argument that I didn't mention it.

Mil hasn't phoned any more thank goodness.

Not sure about small claims (been there before last time mil refused to repay years ago) I almost feel like just leaving it, we need the money but I don't need the stress and she will find every way she can to avoid paying me back (always does but they can afford wedding of the century for sil).

I just can't be bothered with mil any more I don't want her near me or dcs.

seriouscakeeater Wed 01-May-13 16:30:53

flowers go get a cuddle of DH and fuck MIL

pigletpower Wed 01-May-13 16:26:16

How would your husband feel about getting your money back through the Small Claims court? It makes me feel stabby when I read about family members not giving money back.She sounds like a fucking nightmare.Do not respond to her at all.

adeucalione Wed 01-May-13 16:19:13

I just wanted to apologise for my earlier post. I was unaware that you yourself had a disability OP, or of the previous history between you and MIL.

wonderingagain Wed 01-May-13 15:50:16

Blimey you do sound as though you could do with some help though. Do you get any respite care?

Probably best she doesn't look after dcs really. Could she do some housework for you perhaps?

racingheart Wed 01-May-13 15:35:09

She sounds horrendous. Get that money back soon and distance yourself from her.

ariane5 Wed 01-May-13 15:30:53

She doesn't like to help, she has said before its too much as dcs dislocate joints easily and ds1 has anaphylactic reactions so she's nervous of looking after them.
Only dh+I can currently do dd2 tests and injections but mil wouldn't even want to learn as its just "too much responsibility".

Last week when I was ill dh asked would she sit with me and 2 younger dcs so he didn't have to take time off, she refused and dh had to go into work so I had a horrible horrible day unwell and trying to not fall over holding ds2.

She even accused me of lying about dcs having mmr she said "but you told me they had it done last year-why are you lying" I pointed out it was the older dcs SECOND booster mmr and ds2 first but she was just being an idiot.

I am just ignoring her, can't be bothered to answer her calls or text back. I'm eating chocolate, ds2 has just had a bf and is asleep and lovely and cuddly and dd2 is playing with her play dough and chatting to herself and its lovely just watching her.

wonderingagain Wed 01-May-13 15:29:18

That's what I was thinking misslurkalot.

She's feeling left out - involve her!

MissLurkalot Wed 01-May-13 15:17:28

Instead of complaining, why can't she just bloody help? Jeeez, these are her grandchildren! ((( ))) xx

zzzzz Wed 01-May-13 15:16:40

Text back.

Thank you for highlighting the situation for me. Other people's perspectives can be very helpful. Please can you pay us back £x that we lent you on Friday as we need the money. Xxx

pickledginger Wed 01-May-13 15:15:45

Chocolate is always the answer. Exercise helps but chocolate is more fun.

pickledginger Wed 01-May-13 15:13:54

Ah. X-posts. That would be a no then grin

As lovely as we are, if she's sending messages and you need your phone to MN maybe you could take a break and do something else for a while?

ariane5 Wed 01-May-13 15:13:25

I might have to if she doesn't stop. She's trying to justify what she said and I really don't care, she was hateful to me and I cannot put up with it anymore she has pushed me to my limit.

Going to have a big bar of chocolate now!

LazyMonkeyButler Wed 01-May-13 15:11:51

Poor you sad. I wouldn't dignify that with a response.

ariane5 Wed 01-May-13 15:11:01

Now ! Stupid phone keys !!

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