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to be shaking and crying

(58 Posts)
ariane5 Wed 01-May-13 14:26:12

After MASSIVE argument with mil.

It has been brewing for years, she owes us money, undermines and criticises me and belittles the dcs disabilities.

Today she phoned and had a go that dh was off work for dcs to all have their mmr (we have 4 dcs) told me I should learn to drive etc and do these things myself, I pointed out we neither have the funds for driving lessons OR the time.
She went on to criticise most aspects of my parenting and how terrible it is that dh is off for so many hosp appts and that bil business is suffering because of me and dcs (dh works for bil)

She was horrible and I bit, lost my temper and told her exactly what I thought. How dare she criticise us we try so hard with 4 very poorly dcs-bil knew the situation when he employed dh but apparently I am making bil ill as he has to work longer hours when dh is off.

Aibu to be so upset?

DamnBamboo Wed 01-May-13 14:27:10

She needs to keep her sticky beak out.
What does the fact that she owes you money have to do with this though?

edwardsmum11 Wed 01-May-13 14:28:21

Nope, yanbu, but next time I'd hang up on the bitch.

Wannabestepfordwife Wed 01-May-13 14:29:14

Yanbu from your previous posts about her I'm amazed that you've lasted till now without losing it with her.

I have to say I'm a believer that family and business do not mix.

Is your dh backing you this time?

PoppadomPreach Wed 01-May-13 14:29:29

Aibu to be so upset

Fuck, no!

She sounds a nasty, controlling woman and I think you did well to stand up to her. Hold firm, do not apologise. But get your DH onside - HE needs to stand up to her - he cannot support her bullying you like that.

Good luck.

Bowlersarm Wed 01-May-13 14:30:18

No YANBU. She's interfering, and it's none of her business.

OhBuggerandArse Wed 01-May-13 14:31:13

Sounds like it would be a good idea for you to learn to drive, though. If she gave you back the money she owes you would that cover the cost?

adeucalione Wed 01-May-13 14:32:29

I think she could have been kinder, but - without knowing anything about your DC's disabilities - it is quite unusual to need two parents to attend a routine vaccination appointment or hospital appointment I think. Is there any truth at all in her comment that BIL is struggling to cope with the number of absences your DH requires? Perhaps DH and BIL need to have a conversation.

Fenton Wed 01-May-13 14:33:04

YANBU here brew

She could of course help you out with the children instead of DH couldn't she? <tongue in cheek>

How does your husband feel about it? - any chance you could distance yourselves from her a bit?

LazyMonkeyButler Wed 01-May-13 14:34:07

Oh dear, sorry to hear you are having more problems OP sad.

Of course YANBU. Your DCs (and their health) are the responsibility of both parents. Your BIL knew DS' situation when he employed him & presumably allowed the day's leave today?

The one thing I would do, if you can, is ask BIL not to tattle tale to MIL about DH though. What she doesn't know she can't comment on!

Have some thanks and a brew.

ariane5 Wed 01-May-13 14:35:14

I mentioned the money as she was telling me to have driving lessons I can't afford yet she owes us money and won't repay it sad

5madthings Wed 01-May-13 14:36:34

Actually not u usual for her dp to have to for the vaccinations. My children are nt but all had the MMR recently, the nurse insisted I have dp with me as all five were being vaccinated. Just because you need someone to sit with the others whilst one is having the jab and someone to sit with the child having the jab etc.

I was surprised but the surgery said they wouldn't vaccinate that many children without another adult present.

Op yanbu your mil has needed to be told for a long time now.

LazyMonkeyButler Wed 01-May-13 14:37:00

adeucalione I think one disabled parent taking 4 disabled children to an appointment on public transport would be fairly difficult to be fair confused.

I'm pretty sure I'd need a bit of help too.

NotSoNervous Wed 01-May-13 14:37:45

YANBU, hopefully after today you've shocked he and she'll keep her interfering nose out from now on!

ariane5 Wed 01-May-13 14:39:36

We have 4 dcs all with eds but ds1 has severe allergies and reacts to vaccines, dd1 has pots and often faints, dd2 is diabetic as well and ds2 just a baby so needed to be held/ carried and we had to wait after to make sure ds1 was ok.

The money she owes would pay for driving lessons yes but no chance of that being repaidn especially not now.

Bil knew about dcs disabilities when he employed dh and he was ok with it but we try to keep his time off to a minimum, this week was jabs and next week hosp in london about an op dd2 needs. I do what appts I can alone but sometimes it takes 2 of us as dcs have limited mobility.

5madthings Wed 01-May-13 14:40:25

Should say not unusual..

As I said my surgery insisted on two adults being there and the op and her children all have extra needs requiring help.

Your mil is a prize cow, but you know that.

I would try and step back and not engage other than to reiterate that you need your money back!

HorryIsUpduffed Wed 01-May-13 14:42:38

If BIL thinks DH is taking too much time off then that's between them (they are brothers, I presume, and not brothers-in-law?) and none of MIL's business.

If BIL can't address his own employment/business issues on his own then his business will struggle.

Or does he occasionally have to work past seven? My heart bleeds. I think it's more likely he can't be arsed to ring MIL regularly enough, and says "ah well I've been working a lot" when she complains. MIL puts two and two together and makes ninety-six, blaming neither of her sons, but the much put-upon DIL instead.

If she thinks your driving lessons are so important, she can pony up. She is keeping you all in this situation, and I'd be tempted to remind her of that at every possible opportunity.

OkayHazel Wed 01-May-13 14:44:47

I agree with her about learning to drive. I appreciate the expense, but sharing that responsibility would take a load of everyone's shoulders.

TSSDNCOP Wed 01-May-13 14:46:10

If you could drive would it enable DH to not require as much time away from work?

If yes, I'd ring her back and explain that and ask for your money back to pay for lessons.

Otherwise she should STFU.

megandraper Wed 01-May-13 14:47:59

Your MIL sounds horrible.

I have a disability and 3 small children. Over the last year and a half, we have had several doctor/hospital appointments for children as there have been some long-running health issues. Sometimes DH takes time off work to come to the appointments. I can take kids in a taxi but complicated with child seats etc.

If one child needs an injection, DH would always come, because, as someone else said, one parent needs to be with the child having the injection and the other with the ones in the waiting room.

Also, if it is an 'important' appointment (getting test results/seeing a new specialist etc.) then DH will always take time off to come.

When disabilities/illness is involved, a family has to pull together, not just be a bunch of individuals doing their own thing, IMO.

ariane5 Wed 01-May-13 14:48:06

Dh tries so hard, he dislocated his shoulder 2 weeks ago was meant to take time off and didn't so as not to let bil down.
He worked last weekend too to make up for having a morning off the previous week for dd2 appt, we try our best but its so difficult.

megandraper Wed 01-May-13 14:49:57

Ariane, I know it's hard, but don't waste your emotional energy on people like your MIL. It sounds like you and your DH are having a tough time, and you need to save all your energy for supporting each other through it. Shut her out as much as possible if she is sapping you, and don't give her any head space.

DamnBamboo Wed 01-May-13 14:50:14

That's awful ariane.
She should repay you and mind her own business.
I don't have much advice I'm afraid, but what does your DH think of all this, of her?

ariane5 Wed 01-May-13 14:51:37

I posted last week as had a horrible day of dizziness and being unwell and dh couldn't take time off and mil refused to help as just didn't want to.

I have absolutely had enough. I know she will withold thee money now as she will be angry I stood up to her.
DH is livid, he knows how hard we try and how difficult things are. He won't even answer the phone to her now he said he can't speak to her.

pickledginger Wed 01-May-13 14:51:43

Massive un MN hugs.

Once you feel more together I would ask your DH to have a word with your BIL to find out if he knows what she's been saying and clear the air. If he doesn't already know, I'd make sure your BIL knows that you would love to have driving lessons but can't afford them because of your MIL.

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