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If I’m a” sneering” and “ jeering” ‘friend’ you should want shot of me even if you don’t have other friends. (sorry, long)

(32 Posts)
Jamillalliamilli Tue 30-Apr-13 17:04:07

Not say nothing for ages about whatever particular wrong I'm supposed to have done this time, then stack it up to attack me, screaming and shouting, insisting that what you feel about things and how you view them is all that counts, and I should be putting her feelings right, in the manner she feels is right?

Ignore all placatory no blame olive branches, go from screaming to sobbing, then rubbish any possibility of feelings of hurt I might have over being accused of being nasty, be mortally offended and wounded when I finally am nasty and say (calmly) this is being a drama queen, (first time I've actually said it or anything like it)
Then when presented with why all this isn't great, and how both of us feel might be reason to end the friendship, (this is always seen as blackmail by me) get told I "know perfectly well that's not her solution."

I know what the hint is, but clarification results in I 'know she wants to kill herself and that's her solution to me not 'conceding' I'm jeering (I've said if I am, I'm really sorry, but the 'if' is unacceptable) and saying I don't want to be constantly accused of things, then told they can't be discussed as she's now so upset.
I'm upset at being left as the cause of it all, but that seems not to matter.

I'm expected to keep calling as though these things haven't happened and be more careful.

I've asked her why she thinks I should want to continue the friendship when I'm so bad at it.

I'm know I'm not a great friend in that I'm not great with all the validation, ten tons of sympathy for everything stuff, but I do put up with lots, give time, listen a lot, tell her she's a worthwhile person, try and be there, excuse shit thrown at me, and am forgiving in nature.
I know it's not enough in itself and I'm a crap friend in that I'm ill matched to meet her needs, but it's all I really know how to offer, and I've spelt that out.

I'm expected to call daily and this sort of thing happens quite often. She tells me I sound exhausted and unwell. (I am) Most of the time I steer her away before she rips into me, and a lot of the time the screaming centres around me not agreeing with how she sees situations around her and how that makes her feel, rather than direct attacks.

But it seems so often these things are engineered so she has an excuse to shout, scream cry and blame. I know she's not ok, her 'feelings' are huge and out of control, and I suspect she may have BPD, but my life's actually a complete mess and I don't even bother to tell her more than those eight words because it will only make it worse and I don't know if I can cope.

The more difficulties I'm in the more desperate she's likely to be.

I'm too scared to dump her and don't want to hurt her, (everyone else has) but AIBU to say if I cause her to be that unhappy, and she thinks I'm nasty to her, or manipulating her, she should be wanting to dump me?

Jamillalliamilli Wed 01-May-13 00:19:05

I didn’t used to, but I had different types of friends. I was very fit and active and my old friends and I mainly called each other to meet up, catch up and have fun, and alleviate the crap side of life when necessary, but mainly by escaping it for a bit.
But most of my old friends have gone or emigrated, some have drifted away.

I’m now in a wheelchair, which combined with kids with SEN’s has isolated me, and potential friendships are now very limited to people who have difficult lives and want support, not to do things to enjoy life, share interests, or escape it. I’ve tried to change to meet them halfway, but it’s not really working out.
I feel very shallow saying that, but it’s how I feel, and yes I feel most want to ‘rope me in’ not join forces to enhance life and enjoy it, but I don't know how much is me, and how much them.

EldritchCleavage Wed 01-May-13 12:01:06

In my case, my therapist warned me that the friendship with my BPD friend would very likely take a particular course, and it did (very intense at the beginning, almost like a wooing phase, becoming very involved in each other's lives very quickly, then a stage of increasing demands for attention, approval, support, reassurance, over-stepping normal boundaries, and finally persecution). I bailed at stage 2.

The thing is, a lot of this situation with your friend may just be inevitable, because her attachments always play out like this, the consequence of her inability to make and sustain healthy relationships. If your role, so far as she is concerned, has shifted to being the whipping-boy, then there you will stay regardless of what you do. In that position, it is quite possible you just won't be able to help her.

Do you think if you did cut contact, it would free you (practically ad emotionally) to find better more fun friendships elsewhere? She must take up an awful lot of your time and energy.

Fleurdebleurgh Wed 01-May-13 12:05:17

I have a friend who was the same. He was finally diagnosed as having BPD amongst other things.

Please continue to support her. If she is ill she doesnt mean the things she says.

Jamillalliamilli Wed 01-May-13 16:14:37

Something positive has come out of me ranting here. I’ve managed to say I’m putting boundaries into all my friendships because I feel I have a problem with this.

We are financially involved which was very stupid of me, and I’m looking into how to loosen that without damage.

She’s told me that the issue isn’t that I need to concede that I’ve been nasty for her to feel all right, it’s that she knows this is what happened and she doesn’t care if I’ve been nasty or not, she cares that I don’t challenge her version of events as that’s challenging her reality, and makes her feel she’s going mad, and if she can’t trust her reality then she’d rather not be alive.

I just said that I’m very sorry that’s how it all feels for her, but the end result is I must prioritise her feelings over mine or bad things will happen, and that’s not a healthy friendship.

I’m happy to try and have a healthy friendship with her but it requires us to both to step back and get some boundaries in, and she needs to talk to a counsellor about ways to resolve difficulties that don’t harm her or her friendships, and it’s not appropriate for me to be suggesting them and I’ve been wrong to be doing that, and been firm about it.

Eldritch she was one half of a couple and I was friends with them both, and it all progressed quite steadily, until she had something horrible happen, which is when involvement happened very quickly, then things got very weird. But most of her previous friendships ended acrimoniously, but the awful things that genuinely happened, and what’s felt like a roller coaster ever since, meant I didn’t take note of it. I should have.

Re finding new friendships I’m coming to the conclusion that my character and lifestyle that once attracted one type of friends, now minus the lifestyle, attracts a very different kind, and I need to take a harder look at myself.

Fleur I can see she’s ill. sad I’m going to see if it’s possible to remain supportive to her, but change how. If she can cope with that then good, if she can’t then hopefully I can let her down reasonably gently.
Did your friend sort out the BPD and did the friendship ever go back to normal?

Fleurdebleurgh Thu 02-May-13 14:54:12

Unfortunately not. He killed himself in February. Im still dealing with the guilt of not always running to him.

Just be the best friend you can, but dont make yourself ill over it.

Fleurdebleurgh Thu 02-May-13 14:54:24

Unfortunately not. He killed himself in February. Im still dealing with the guilt of not always running to him.

Just be the best friend you can, but dont make yourself ill over it.

somewhereaclockisticking Thu 02-May-13 15:58:37

she will never see someone else's view and that is why everyone has abandoned her. She is too exhausting for them and then when they have problems she feels in danger of HER needs not being met because THEIR attention is somewhere else (on themselves). You will never ever get someone like that to change so you either accept everything is about her or you try and stay clear. You don't want to be one of those people who give up or abandon her but I don't think you really have much choice unless you think in the end that you can handle all the accusations she throws at you over and over again. Sometimes we have these types of people in our families so we have no choice but to deal with them but when it's a choosen "friend".........

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