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To expect understanding from my mum?

(22 Posts)
Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 16:37:06

I have been very unhappily married for years. On the whole I try to make the best of things but I'm not sure I can anymore.

Whilst my relationship with my mum has never been fabulous, she is still my mum and as such when she asked me today if I was ok I told her I was starting to consider leaving DH.

I've mentioned my unhappiness to her once about 18 months ago when she told me I was being silly and to get an interest and make more effort with things.

Today I have been told that I need to go on date nights with DH. Put him first above my DC. Work harder on it. That I would be desperately unhappy if I was single, no money, my friends would all think I was going to steal their DHs. It told me exactly how miserable she was as a single mother with "just" her children for company. Basically that I need to shut up and put up forever.

She's my mother FFS. I couldn't bear the thought of one of my DC being that unhappy. I didn't want practical help (never going to happen) or financial help (ditto), just my mum to say a few kind words. AIBU to want that??

thebody Tue 30-Apr-13 16:39:13

You need to talk to your partner not your mum op.

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 16:41:11

Yes thank you. I've done that a hundred times over! Nothing changes hence why I feel I have to end things.

BettySwollocksandaCrustyRack Tue 30-Apr-13 16:43:46

Well yes she should be understanding but she probably just wants you to hear what life will be like as a single mum.

However, material things aside, I would far rather be on my own and skint than with a partner and unhappy.

She is just trying to be practical. YANBU to want some kind words though, surely that is not too much to ask from her.

ElleMcFearsome Tue 30-Apr-13 16:43:57

YANBU to want that. It sounds like, from the way you talk about your mum, that YABUnrealistic to think it's going to happen sad

Anyone else you can talk to? I second what thebody said about talking to your partner, but I get why you want tea and sympathy as well.

Side note - WTAF is it with people recommending 'date nights'? I've been told by a number of people recently that I 'need' to do this (happily married, ExH and DDs father dying of cancer - DDs being prioritised with me so not much time for DH who completely understands!)

Also, I think your 'D'M's view of single mothers is outmoded and untrue!

I do hope you find someway through this, and some real-world support as well.

thebody Tue 30-Apr-13 16:44:45

Sorry op didn't mean to state the obvious.

If you are that unhappy then it seems that any alternative is better than this.

Your mum is probably very worried about you doing something you would regret but only you can make the decisions best for you.

Get some legal advice, get financial advice.

thebody Tue 30-Apr-13 16:47:50

Oh and the date night thing is just bollocks isn't it really. Agree with you ELLE

Who wants to be expected or forced to go out?

Have you friends op who you can confide in?

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 16:48:35

The thing is I didn't feel she was being practical for me, just concerned that I might actually want something from her!! I have got support from friends but according to her they are poisoning my mind!

I expected too much it's just she's my mum. And I somehow thought she would actually step up if I really needed her!!

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 16:50:31

And yeah date night! Right like that's going to solve the fact that we never talk anymore or even look at each other? Apparently I need to find some interesting topics to chat about...!

thebody Tue 30-Apr-13 16:52:36

Oh dear she isn't supportive is she? Again I would ensure you get legal advice to see where you stand. Ignore your mum.

Is your dh waiting for you to pull the trigger?

DontmindifIdo Tue 30-Apr-13 16:53:56

Sometimes, you have to deal with the parents you have, rather than expecting them to act like the parents you want then being disappointed. She's not the "emotional support" type. She's not the 'put your feelings first' type - so you should have expected her to act like this, even if you hoped for something different.

So rather than adding an extra stress into your life (dealing with your mother's opinions), work out what you want to do, then deliver it to her as "done deal" not "I'm thinking of leaving H" but do it without discussing it with her then say "I've left H". Or work on your marriage if that's what you want, but don't discuss it with her because once you do, you are inviting her opinion which probably won't be in your best interest from what you've said.

Stop setting yourself up for more heart break - you've got enough on your plate, use friends for support, limit information your mum gets to final decisions, not bringing her in at the "planning" stage.

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 16:55:22

Thebody yes I have plans to go to CAB next week. But I just feel pathetic now, like a little kid again. She absolutely floored me with how it's all my fault and I just can't get over that.

No he doesn't think there's anything wrong. All my problem.

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 16:57:31

Don'tmind - I have realised for years what type of parent she is. But just sometimes I think we all hope for support from our parents (I only have her). But yes I will proceed without her knowledge and then for years to come I will hear how I wouldn't let her help me or support me. Can't win!!

Squitten Tue 30-Apr-13 17:00:33

How old is your Mum OP? I know my Nan is very much of the generation where you MUST make things work and men are weak so you have to be the strong woman and mother and create an inviting home for your husband. Blah, blah, blah... It's a very old-fashioned conditioning.

Your Mum is evidently not going to be any help to you so don't try her again. Continue to make your plans and just don't discuss it with her until it's done.

waikikamookau Tue 30-Apr-13 17:02:21

does she normally react like that? is it a surprise? perhaps she is unwell? is anything wrong with her that you know of?
her reaction sounds mean though

Sunshineandflowers Tue 30-Apr-13 17:04:38

Well I've never told her anything of this magnitude but it's not really a surprising reaction. If I'd thought about it I wouldn't have told her but I just wanted her to be a little bit understanding.

DontmindifIdo Tue 30-Apr-13 17:07:08

OP - no, you can't win, but you can stop playing the game. You will hear that you didn't let her help you, which should have been replied with "oh, I was fine, I did'nt need your help" (even if this is a lie, it helps you keep things light)

You know she will never step up to the plate, so stop expecting her to - you are only making a hard time for yourself harder. Plus, dealing with them being upset later is easier than dealing with it when you are also dealing with whatever it is that they are being crap over.

You have my sympathies, I've also got a mum and dad who can only be delivered done deals. It's taken years to realise this.

mrscoleridge Tue 30-Apr-13 17:20:45

You have my sympathies OP. In my divorce all my parents were concerned about was how it affected them.
They have never once asked how I am feeling etc.
Have you got someone else that you can talk to (other than us obv) ?
I agree that it is hard to imagine your own children suffering and not being there (even as adults)
Maybe also they see divorce as a kind of failure that reflects badly on them?

canweseethebunnies Tue 30-Apr-13 17:24:11

Sometimes our parents project their own fears onto us. My mum can be a bit like this, but it's not because she doesn't care, it's because she does! Your mum obviously had a hard time as a single mum, and maybe she doesn't want you to have the hard experiences she did. She's not really listening to you, and maybe thinking you should feel lucky for what you've got.

This doesn't mean you have to pay any attention to what she says, only you know what's best for your happiness! IME it's sometimes hard for mothers to be supportive in the way we want them to because their own fears and emotions are so tied up their feelings about how their kids lives should be. She probably doesn't want to accept that you're unhappy or that your marriage might be failing because it makes her feel shit, IYSWIM.

mrscoleridge Tue 30-Apr-13 17:25:20

Which it isn't obviously. Just to clarify

thebody Tue 30-Apr-13 17:26:14

You know op you sound like you have made a plan and will act on it.

Good for you. Get support from your friends and just accept, as it here's have said, your mum isn't going to help.

Maybe further down the process she will as she sees you taking control.

canweseethebunnies Tue 30-Apr-13 17:29:47

YANBU, though, but you might have to look elsewhere for understanding.

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