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help, it's making me depressed and exhaused!

(30 Posts)
whirlwindlife Tue 30-Apr-13 08:57:30

I have been unreasonable, completely out of order and disrespectful but I didn't know where else to put this.

So...my partner and I have been on/off marriage for years (been together 4), he bought a ring and we've cancelled a church booking before because he's not ready. I told him last year I didn't want the ring on again until he was serious because it's upsetting me but he insisted I wear it a few weeks ago again. We've had a discussion recently where I wanted to change my name to my maiden name, he suggested I change it to his - more upset for me, what's the point in that?

Also we're supposed to be buying our house together but he's only into it when I've accepted I'll have to buy it myself (nice chunk off through council right to buy). He's basically too insecure to buy it with me until I'm quite prepared to buy it myself....then he wants in. Recently we've had the quote and he hasn't even said a word about it.

Anyway....we had an argument friday night because of all this and I'd been drinking, I found out he was recording it on his phone so I went mad. Things went from bad to worse and I ended up crying down the phone to my kids dad (I know I did this to get at my partner through sheer exasperation and drunken utter stupidness), my partner left. My ex came over in a taxi I paid for, after an hour of talking, I was sick for 1/2 hour then gave him a duvet to sleep in my daughters room. I took him home the next day.

I told my partner on Saturday and begged and pleaded for his forgiveness because I know that is a terrible thing to do. The kids went to my sister and my partner ended up coming back after I'd agreed that for him to have any trust in me I'd need to go to the solicitor and legally sign our son over to him (I'm not sure how that would have worked).He started drinking and for 5 hours I sat on a kitchen chair and he told me how disgusting I was etc, the next day it carried on and I just kept apologising. Sunday evening he was still running me down and I was tired and depressed, I told him I couldn't do the solicitor because it didn't sound like he wanted me anyway. So he called me a dirty **ing little slag and walked out within 5 minutes.

He went down to the court on Monday where my ex is fighting to see his other child and kicked off down there, then he came back here and I told him we can't be together until things have calmed down because I have 3 children to stay sane for and a job to hold down. I know I need to be punished for what I've done but I'm so depressed and tired. He insisted that we'd try to move on but again last night he was giving me a hard time all night. I'm so tired and know I've done wrong but can't handle this. If I tell him he'll need to leave he'll go mad, he won't let me leave sad help

AnyFucker Tue 30-Apr-13 08:59:35

End it

expatinscotland Tue 30-Apr-13 09:00:35

WTF?!

Get this person OUT of your life.

Please, please, don't date for a long, long time.

Sounds like a 3-ring circus.

He won't let you leave?! It's your house. Kick him out.

jacks365 Tue 30-Apr-13 09:03:47

This is abuse plain and simple. YOU haven't done anything wrong you do not deserve to be punished. Throw him out and talk to a solicitor about getting an injunction.

catsmother Tue 30-Apr-13 09:05:08

Call Women's Aid for support and advice about making him leave if he won't:

0808 2000 247

Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it - doesn't want to marry, doesn't want to buy .... but wants the advantage of being "in on it" after you have ?! Records you - WTF ? .... won't leave. Belittles you for hours. None of that is normal.

Sugarice Tue 30-Apr-13 09:05:20

Be brave and tell him to fuck off, pack his bags and lock the door.

If he kicks off, call the police.

You are not unreasonable but you need to rediscover your self worth and stop begging for his forgiveness.

catsmother Tue 30-Apr-13 09:06:49

Oh - and threatening to take your son away. Low. Disgusting.

NKffffffffabeee2d7X127640abcce Tue 30-Apr-13 09:18:49

As PPs have said, this is an abusive relationship. You haven't got anything to apologise for - your ex slept on the floor in your DD's room, and you were upset in the first place because this controlling man recorded you without your consent!! You are spot on when you say that you need to stay sane for your children, and he isn't good for you or them. If you are the tenant of your home, you can ask him to leave and get support to make him do so. Get legal support, Women's Aid is a good place to start. And stay strong, you deserve a great deal better than this, and so do your kids.

cozietoesie Tue 30-Apr-13 09:22:40

It's abuse, whirlwindlife, and you need to end the relationship.

You might consider asking MNHQ to move this thread to the 'Relationships' board - probably a better place for it.

samandi Tue 30-Apr-13 09:24:19

Just get rid of him. It doesn't sound as though he adds anything to your life. That's energy that would be far better spent looking after your kids and participating in other parts of life.

ENormaSnob Tue 30-Apr-13 09:29:40

Get rid of this abusive loser.

It's doing neither you nor your kids any good allowing this to continue. You must put your kids first.

Ffs whatever you do, DO NOT marry him and DO NOT buy a house with him.

Timetoask Tue 30-Apr-13 09:30:45

It is much better to be single than in bad company. Stop begging him for commitment, you and your children deserve so much better.

NicholasTeakozy Tue 30-Apr-13 09:36:12

End it. Bin him, you'll be way better off in the long run. If he threatens you get the police involved, they treat threats seriously nowadays.

Crinkle77 Tue 30-Apr-13 09:51:08

What??? You haven't done anything wrong and you don't deserve to be punished. Your ex sounds really lovely and caring and you did the right thing telling him what was going on as this will obviously be affecting his children. As other posters have said do not marry or buy a house with this guy. He is poison and you need to kick him out. Do you have any friends or relatives you can confide in?

FayeKorgasm Tue 30-Apr-13 10:04:59

You DON'T need to be punished!

End this now. He sounds revolting. Buy your house on your own and enjoy it.

pickledginger Tue 30-Apr-13 10:10:01

Bin. And talk to women's aid first.

Viviennemary Tue 30-Apr-13 10:14:57

He's a disgrace. Make him pack his bags and get out. No ifs and buts.

DonDrapersAltrEgoBigglesDraper Tue 30-Apr-13 10:18:11

Jesus.

Please make 'off again' permanent.

It's really, really not meant to be like this.

StoicButStressed Tue 30-Apr-13 10:24:59

Holy fuck.

What everyone above has said with bells on.

'I know I need to be punished for what I've done but I'm so depressed and tired.'

NO - you don't need to be 'punished', but can see that a combo depression and tiredness ALONG WTH A HUGELY EA (&, if honest, truly vile sounding) 'D'P make lead you to believe that.

Please both ring W/Aid as advised above - PLEASE?thanks - and also suggest you check out the link below ASAP. ((((hugs)))))

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1732243-support-thread-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-20

pictish Tue 30-Apr-13 10:28:36

Chancing, using wanker. He's playing with your life decisions to suit his mood!

Crazy. Ditch and rejoice woman!

StoicButStressed Tue 30-Apr-13 10:30:49

may - NOT make

pictish Tue 30-Apr-13 10:33:02

Definitely buy the house. But don't move him in. Christ no.

whattodoo Tue 30-Apr-13 10:35:34

Don't let him back in. Don't marry him, don't buy a house with him. And don't go 'signing' your son over to him (whatever that means).

You deserve a peaceful life and not to be bullied. He is treating you terribly.

Have you any support from family and/or friends?

pictish Tue 30-Apr-13 10:42:05

If I tell him he'll need to leave he'll go mad, he won't let me leave

It's your fucking house!!

Darling, he has done such a number on you. He gives what he chooses to, and when, to suit himself...whereas you are expected to wring yourself out for the privilege of being with him!!

Never beg or plead with him again. Never. All you are doing is stoking his sense of entitlement....your pleas will not make him soften...rather they will solidify his control. Stop that now!
People in healthy relationships do not beg.

Do some reading up on emotional abuse. Do that today is nothing else for the moment.

It's not you, it's absolutely and unequivocally him. You have been messed with.

GlitteryShitandDanglyBaubles Tue 30-Apr-13 11:16:03

'I know I need to be punished' - erm no you don't! What is this punishment to be? Sixty lashes? 5 hours of belittling and verbal abuse? 6 hours? Do you get a judge and jury and legal representation?

He has no 'right' to punish you, no 'right' to get you to sign your son over, no 'right' to claim part of a house that you own.

He's fucking with your head. He's insecure and vindictive. Has he been cheated on in the past? Does he have a low opinion of women generally?

I'd get him out and breathe a huge sigh of relief. You and your children deserve better.

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