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To be upset because DS wanted to be in the arms of another mum?

(33 Posts)
Azrael Mon 29-Apr-13 22:39:57

This morning I had to run an errand in central London and on the way back my 13-month old DS screamed in the tube non-stop (didn't want to eat/drink, took his jacket off.)

Later I went to meet my NCT friends in the park. I got there still tense from the incident.

DS was happy and smiley while we played in the kids area, but when I put him in his pram and we started walking round the park he started whingeing. I kept feeding him raisins to keep him happy. At some point that didn't work anymore - he was just screaming, full stop.

I assumed that all he needed was his afternoon nap and I was dying for him to just fall asleep. I was too annoyed and didn't really feel like taking him in my arms as a result. My friend suggested picking him up to comfort him. I gave up, picked him up - he stopped screaming straight away. I started crying out of sheer frustration.

He's 10kg, so I wasn't able to hold him for long. I wanted to put him back in the pram but he arched his back. My friend took him in her arms (while she kept pushing her own pram). I let her do it. She googoogaagaaa'ed with him for 5-10 min while we left the park.

When we parted ways, I took him from her arms but ... ... ... ... he clearly wanted to stay with her because he directed his arms towards her.

At that point lightening struck me. I wanted to die. I wanted to die because my heart was pierced (all those sleepless nights? all these showers with a screaming baby next to me? all these meals wolfed down because he was whingeing his pram? for nothing?). And my pride was hurt. My baby preferred another woman.

My friend was equally shocked. She just managed to say 'Oh it's because he knows you're going to put him back in the pram'.

AIBU to feel hurt?

and what about the pram situation - should I make it a principle that he should stay in there when I say so, or should I take him from his pram and carry him any time he whinges (which is 50% of the time)?

morethanpotatoprints Mon 29-Apr-13 22:51:42

O love please don't feel hurt or bad.
This happened to me, sometimes they are going through a trying phase and whatever you try doesn't seem to work. I will bet that he sensed your frustration and annoyance, which I would have been after being responsible for screaming child.
When you are relaxed your ds will be too, don't be too downhearted, or over think. I know its easier said than done but I look back now and wonder what my fuss was about, but at the time very real and scary sometimes when they don't settle.
Sending you a hug thanks and brew

HerrenaHarridan Mon 29-Apr-13 22:54:40

Don't worry, smile this may be the first time but it won't be the last!

You'll always be his number one, unless your saying no chocolate and x is giving it to them.

They don't mean anything bad by it

MammaTJ Mon 29-Apr-13 23:08:19

He wanted the person who was giving in to his demand to be held. Your friend was right!!

If neither of you were giving in to him, he would have prefered you. Be thnakful for the small respite given by your friend.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 29-Apr-13 23:39:08

Take him out and carry him I'd say. If he is whinging he isn't happy. Is the pram facing you? I think you're being a little bit hard on him. I find with DS over the years that you may as well give in and deal with the whinging, doing whatever you can to make them happy/comfortable, as it just gets more stressful to ignore it. As they get older you can reason with them but they still whinge when your agenda is different to theirs. It's hard being a parent. I'm sorry you felt rejected. He just wanted to be carried! flowers

MagratOfStolat Mon 29-Apr-13 23:44:17

Honestly, please please please don't take this to heart. It's a slippery slope!

i suffered badly from PND with DS, and I took events like this very personally. "He doesn't want me because I'm not good enough/I'm a terrible mother/he hates me". So I felt no bond, which meant I didn't spend as much time with him as a mother, which meant he'd reject me more, which meant that I felt appalled at myself.....

Babies are always going to be like this, the best thing to do is just to shrug it off because your DP, DM, DF, MIL and FIL are all going to be on the receiving end of this too!

And for the record, no moment in my life is more perfect than when my then-1YO DS knocked his head against the wall, burst into tears and ran past DP, past MIL, past SIL and straight into my arms without a moments hesitation. That moment made 8 months of CBT and antidepressants worth every second.

just please, don't take it to heart! He doesn't mean it :-)

HoveringKestrel Mon 29-Apr-13 23:55:20

You are being unreasonable to think this has any indication on yourself.

Babies love doscovering and learning new things, and to find someone new (your friend) who is koo'ing at him is something brand new to him.

You're obviously an excellent mother who cares deeply. Do not take this personally, he's just obviously curious about the World round him. smile

dopeysheep Tue 30-Apr-13 04:08:10

It was because he knew.you were going to put him back in the pram! Don't fret - he doesn't prefer another woman, he just wanted attention!
Reminds me of the episode of Malcolm in the Middle when Dewi has been going to a neighbour's house for cake and Lous gets all upset.

dopeysheep Tue 30-Apr-13 04:10:29

You can't carry him every time he whinges it's just not practical. Guilt is a cruel mistress - don't give in.

SavoyCabbage Tue 30-Apr-13 04:34:02

It probably was because he knew you were going to put him in his pram. Babies are wily as foxes.

And it's likely that you feel upset as you are exhausted with the day you had and it was just the icing on the cake.

knackeredmother Tue 30-Apr-13 04:36:52

My heart breaks reading this. 'Don't give in'?!!
Your child was distressed and wanted comfort. What on earth is wrong with responding to that and just cuddling the poor mite?
My ds hated being in the pram, no way would I let him cry like that. I just got a sling- the ergot baby carriers are really supportive for larger babies.

dopeysheep Tue 30-Apr-13 04:45:24

The OP said should she carry him every time he whinges, which is 50% of the time. She can't possibly do this, that's what the don't give in was aimed at. Of course give a cuddle if he is upset but you can't carry a 10 kg child around the whole time!

knackeredmother Tue 30-Apr-13 04:49:15

Why not if he is unhappy? As I said, try a sling.

HenrySugar Tue 30-Apr-13 05:09:42

OP, it's not practical to carry him every single time he wants it. You would go crazy! Do it when you can, but don't feel bad if he has to whinge sometimes. Imagine if you had other children, you can't keep them all happy all of the time.

He's still a baby, but he's getting to the age when he will understand that he can manipulate you with whingeing. I realise some people will not agree with this, but I honestly believe that you can tell the difference between true upset and crying to make you feel guilty because they're not getting chocolate or whatever.

My children sometimes seem to prefer other people, but always want me when they are ill or hurt.

And most importantly, this is a phase, and it will get easier. Apart from whatever the next phase is!

HenrySugar Tue 30-Apr-13 05:11:40

OP, it's not practical to carry him every single time he wants it. You would go crazy! Do it when you can, but don't feel bad if he has to whinge sometimes. Imagine if you had other children, you can't keep them all happy all of the time.

He's still a baby, but he's getting to the age when he will understand that he can manipulate you with whingeing. I realise some people will not agree with this, but I honestly believe that you can tell the difference between true upset and crying to make you feel guilty because they're not getting chocolate or whatever.

My children sometimes seem to prefer other people, but always want me when they are ill or hurt.

And most importantly, this is a phase, and it will get easier. Apart from whatever the next phase is!

HenrySugar Tue 30-Apr-13 05:12:33

Sorry about double post, not sure what happened there.

Manyofhorror3 Tue 30-Apr-13 05:28:05

Babies and children are self centred and power-seeking! Proper fact!grin

He fancied a cuddle, end of. Please don't be so hard on yourself. X

MummaBubba123 Tue 30-Apr-13 05:38:19

Don't be hard on yourself
It's easy to doubt our own parenting and assume rejection
My DD rejects me whenever my hubs and is there. That's cos he responds to her more quickly- night or day.
I'm all for slings and love my hip seat carrier.
Your bubba is still young- despite being heavier than a newbie. A cuddle beats a raisin hands down
Try a sling
Give in more often
And accept yourself when you can't
It's hard
Xxx

givemeaclue Tue 30-Apr-13 05:43:58

Don't .worry about it, children are incapable of gratitude for all the sacrifices you have made for them at that age.

I would leave off the raisins though, my dentist says, they are one out the worst things for kids teeth.

LedaOfSparta Tue 30-Apr-13 05:54:34

Just posting quickly as my own dd is currently wailing for no reason.

Dd doesn't really like the pram, so i carry her about in various forms of sling which she much prefers.

Have a Google of Tula, Connecta Integra, Beco or Manduca as good brands which can be worn so baby is rucksack style on your back which can be easier for bigger babies. Or if you have a sling library near you they're really helpful and you can try a few things out.

One of mine was a velcro baby and did want to be carried all the time and couldn't cope well when he wasn't. I found several carriers that were as comfy as possible and was tired a lot. But if he was being carried he was pretty easy and happy so it was worth it.

You should think of the flip side, your babe is comfortable with a semi-stranger (i.e. not caretaker or really close family member) at a time that many babies really struggle with that. You must have done plenty right smile

Pozzled Tue 30-Apr-13 06:16:29

I understand why you felt hurt and upset, but honestly your DS was not rejecting you. It wasn't anything to do with how he feels about you; he just wanted to be heldat that moment and perhaps enjoyed the variety of interacting with someone different.

My DD2 has a lovely relationship with another mum friend- as soon as she sees her she gets really excited, wants a cuddle and will not want to come back to me! I don't take it personally though. I know that if DD2 was hurt or upset, she'd be calling for me straight away. I'm sure your DS is the same.

Azrael Tue 30-Apr-13 06:28:07

Thanks everyone. I clearly have an issue with anything that resembles 'giving in'. But i'll have to work on it and allow moments when i do exactly that: give in, comfort, and stop the stressful screaming.

I love slings! I have an ergo baby one, which from now on i'll automatically take with me when we go out.

Branleuse Tue 30-Apr-13 06:35:32

your baby was enjoying his cuddle with your friend and didn't want to go back in his pram. I don't get why you're so devastated??? confused

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Tue 30-Apr-13 07:54:52

I totally sympathise OP....I had a very bad back after having children both times and couldn't carry them a lot....slings were no use and I would see some women carrying their babies everywhere! Mine have turned out fine so far...they're 8 and 5 and they will ALWAYS prefer their own mother just like your son will..wanting to continue being carried is not choosing someone else over you at all.

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