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….to feel mixed up, angry and yes, deeply unreasonable.

(20 Posts)
Punkatheart Sun 28-Apr-13 22:59:17

In the week it was my daughter’s 16th birthday. She has a number of problems at present and I am in the process are getting her some help for anxiety, depression, an eating disorder etc. It’s important for her to be loved, accepted – she had a violent and deep-rooted reaction to her dad suddenly leaving us in 2011.

But her father did not call or send a card for her birthday. I stayed calm, while swearing inside. Nothing. Then I see his face all over the paper, grinning at the Duchess of Cambridge at some fancy pants do at Leavesden Studios (he’s in the film industry). I am particularly poorly too at the moment – stress has caused some more health issues with my lymphoma, including lumps in my breast which now need to be investigated. If I am honest, I am scared. My daughter really needs me. Also I need to be healthy, firm with her when she oversteps the mark, sensitive when she has meltdowns etc.

Today I sat on a train, looking at a lovely young couple holding hands and I felt so very very sad. I think I am tired but I also had such murderous thoughts, which I really tried to kill – if you excuse the pun. Why should he have his glamorous life and just dump us like dogs at the roadside?

Excuse the self-pity. Mumsnet is good for the ranting. But what I really want to do is make up posters with his face on it and put them everywhere. I won’t – of course.

Finally a crumpled card came yesterday. My daughter made a half-hearted attempt at opening it but didn’t read it. “It’s not my birthday now.’ She looked more like six years old at that moment, not 16.

If I could add water to something good, kind and funny – to make an instant father for her – I would. Also just for someone to hold my hand on a train, look at me as if I mattered.

Is it unreasonable to want that?

quesadilla Sun 28-Apr-13 23:06:41

No it's not. Very sorry to hear what you and your daughter are going through. I don't have any answers I'm afraid and can't really give you any meaningful advice except to say that your reaction is actually perfectly normal. You sound like a strong and resourceful person (though you may not feel this now), and a very loving mother. Hang on in there and at some point you and your daughter will both come out of this stronger.

lottieandmia Sun 28-Apr-13 23:07:07

I am so sorry to hear this sad How sad for you and for her.

Not so long ago I started a thread wondering just how some people can ignore the existence of their own child (my dd3 has never met her father). But to just walk out at this stage in her life is totally beyond comprehension.

WickerKnickers Sun 28-Apr-13 23:13:52

It sounds like you both need someone to lean on, and it's not unreasonable to want or need that. I can't say anything helpful other than try to pull together with your daughter and call on all the support you have.

Your ex sounds like a drain on your emotions.


HerrenaHarridan Sun 28-Apr-13 23:21:59

What an utter arse! Complete selfish dick!

It's painful watching him hurt your kid and knowing you can't protect her from it.

You can be there for her, you can be strong for her, firm for her. You can! smile

I'm so sorry that you don't feel like you've a hand to hold through your troubles, do you have family you are close to?

Feel free to pm me if you want to smile

TheYoniWayIsUp Sun 28-Apr-13 23:25:57

You are not unreasonable at all. You sound like a lovely mum, and a good, nice person. You'll meet your 'someone' and you'll have a happy relationship again one day.
In the meantime, you matter to your DD. You're teaching her strength and dignity by keeping your cool. A better gift than her dad will ever be able to give her.

He's an arsehole, and they eventually get their comeuppance. You're doing well. Just keep swimming.

UnrequitedSkink Sun 28-Apr-13 23:27:11

You poor thing. At some point in the future your daughter is going to look back and realise that her father is/was a twat and you are her rock. Have you said anything to him about the delayed card (no gift?!) or is it not worth the hassle?

UnrequitedSkink Sun 28-Apr-13 23:28:30

I just think he deserves a major guilt trip for making his own child feel so shit on her birthday FFS. Why should he get off scot free?

dontmeanto Sun 28-Apr-13 23:32:59

It all feels raw, because it is. Im sorry for your health troubles. Sadly your daughter might resent him forever, but that's his fault.

You'll love again.

Apileofballyhoo Mon 29-Apr-13 00:29:47

I'm sorry he is such an arse. Just try and reassure your lovely daughter that the fault is with him, not her. What an utter prick.

Punkatheart Mon 29-Apr-13 10:18:23

i have just told my daughter that of course her father loves her, he is just a bit busy with his work. It felt like a poor excuse. Ironically his own father left his mother and became, in his latter days, a lonely sick man who talked about the films he had worked on. Means nothing in the end - all wind and glamour.

frumpet Mon 29-Apr-13 12:03:18

Sorry but i wouldnt be using the work excuse to a 16 year old . I would have probably said 'your dad loves you, but he is also a thoughtless arse , ring him and give him hell '.

LEMisdisappointed Mon 29-Apr-13 12:10:18

Punk - i don;t have any advice, just support and hugs for you and your DD. She lucked out with her dad, he sounds like a cunt, but she has a wonderful mum xxx

LastTangoInDevonshire Mon 29-Apr-13 12:20:58

If the card was crumpled, perhaps it got caught up in the Post Office machines?

Lottashakingoinon Mon 29-Apr-13 12:22:54

Again with the hugs and support: and when you feel up to it crack open a bottle of bubbly to celebrate the fact that this total wanker is no longer your problem!

skippedtheripeoldmango Mon 29-Apr-13 12:32:23

I'm sorry, I don't have much advice...and arsehole is an arsehole. It's very hard to watch your former partner not give a shit about anyone but themselves.

Here's a hand to hold and some flowers

Punkatheart Mon 29-Apr-13 12:32:41

When I say crumpled - I meant bent - as if it had been in a pocket. But the posting day was after her birthday. But you CALL for a significant birthday, surely?

Ah well, onwards and upwards. Hopefully with champagne. Nice thought, Lotta...the idea of bubbles in a flat world.

acceptableinthe80s Mon 29-Apr-13 12:37:31

You sound really strong OP. As a single parent i get where you're coming from with regards to wishing you mattered, which of course you do, just doesn't feel like it sometimes when you're a SP. I posted on here ages ago about feeling similar and someone said something along the lines of 'everyone needs a little wind beneath their wings' it practically reduced me to tears.

I had a recent breast lump scare too and as sole carer of your child it is very scary. I hope you have some RL support.

Just a suggestion but do you think it might be cathartic for your DD to write her father a letter explaining how his behaviour has affected her?
Probably won't change anything but might make her feel better.

redexpat Mon 29-Apr-13 13:42:47

You say that you are getting help for your daughter.

Are you getting any for yourself? Do you have someone to support you?

Punkatheart Mon 29-Apr-13 21:43:16

To be honest, I have come to a point where it is hard to care about myself very much. I am trying really hard - to earn money, to stay upright, to stay motivated. But I do have great friends, my journalism. But every day - yeah, it's a struggle.

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