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To think my mother/others are being unreasonable!

(38 Posts)
NotDead Sun 28-Apr-13 18:13:58

I told everyone I talk to regularly that I was away this weekend. As it turned out i wasn't well, so didn't go.

Soo. I have 5 phonecalls, leaving progressively hysterical messages from my mother, one going on about how she worries and worries I might be dead.

I think FFS, this is the weekend I said I was unavailable! I have been in bed most of the weekend with the cold, and for some of that time didn't charge my phone - all this is reasonable no?

I didn't call back because this hysteria really annoys me - its like I'm 15, but I'm 40! I went back to bed. SHe has form, she used to constantly get keys cut for my sister's house without permission and just go in whether my sister was there or not, even (almost especially if) she had been asked and told not to.

Then I get a bloody ring at the bell, aggressive - EVEN THOUGH I SAID I WAS AWAY! then several more calls, including some from my dad. Again I didn't answer because I just want sundays to myself.

THEN i get facebook messages from a friend saying she wants to meet up - again someone I told for certain I was away. I talked to her for a bit, saying that no I was ill and didn't want to go out SHE then sends me message after message asking if I want to go out for food/come over and see her etc etc.

Its like what I said was invisible! I ended up saying to my friend 'I'll call you later if I'm up to doing anything. More bloody messages!

Am I being unreasonable to just not respond until I'm calm enough not to shout at them both? This has totally ruined my 'Me time' and I'm pissed off!

gotthemoononastick Mon 29-Apr-13 11:46:28

Old mothers hear about stabbings,muggings,bike accidents on the radio.'Unavailable' old children must expect to be 'found' after police and mortuaries have been called!!!

SarahAndFuck Mon 29-Apr-13 11:06:10

It's very frustrating. MIL and FIL haven't worked since DH was a boy and so they really didn't seem to understand that we might be out at work and not able to answer phones. Or, at the weekends, we might be out without them.

MILs phone is glued to her hand and once when I rang her and she answered we chatted for a good ten minutes before she said "Well, I'll just shout FIL to come and speak to you for a moment, because I was just on the toilet when you rang and I want to get off now." shock Who answers their phone while they are on the loo?

She is also the sort of person who, if you said "Don't ring after 7pm because of X", she would ring at 6:59pm and say "well you said not after 7pm so I just thought I would catch you before that..." and then wonder why we couldn't talk to her and take offence.

I can only suggest that you record an answer phone message that tells people you are busy and not expecting to be able to return calls until a set time or date. We did have one that said "Sarah and Mr Fuck are not taking calls right now, please leave a message with the date and time you rang and they will get back to you on X date."

Actually, it didn't call DH "Mr Fuck" on that one, but the next one might. I quite like it.

We were never really away from home, but sometimes we had a busy weekend and it was easier not to have to take three phone calls from MIL ever day that lasted about an hour each, plus a couple from my Mum and a few from chatty friends, while we were trying to get something done or even just relax. My job meant I spent a lot of time on the phone, and DH's job is intense, so switching off the phones at the weekend was and still is a bit of a luxury.

I hope you can get something sorted with your Mum, because it really is quite draining to deal with someone who leaves those sorts of messages every ten minutes until they reach you.

NotDead Mon 29-Apr-13 10:45:30

grin cgel - that made me shudder!

SarahandFuck - that is exactly the same type of scenario! I am so glad that others have similar problems and can see how frustrating and annoying it is!

Charlesroi Sun 28-Apr-13 22:22:01

I have phones for my benefit.I and all my family answer when its ok for us not the people calling. If I don't want to speak to anyone I don't!! Wouldn't kill callers to stop being rude and stop keep ringing.

Oh this. Absolutely.

There was a point in my life where - gasp - I didn't have a mobile phone. People had to ring me on the landline or send me an email or even write a letter. God, I might have been out at work or something awful like that. Nobody died, funnily enough. Try telling that to my family (I did - was pissing in the wind).
Phones should not be a crowbar others use to get in to your life

Oldrichandgrateful Sun 28-Apr-13 22:17:50

This thread has made me realise it's not just my DM who has an anxiety attack if she can't get hold of me.

For example, if I don't answer my landline I get left a message. Ten minutes later my mobile will ring. Followed by text messages. Then the landline will ring again.

I was taking a long, candle lit bath the other night. My phone rang. I ignored it. My mobile rang, I ignored it again because I knew it was my DM and I was just too comfortable in the bath. The phone rang for ten rings every few minutes until I got out of the bath and answered. It was my DM. I asked her what she wanted as I tried to explain I had a bath waiting for me and the only reason she called was to tell me that DF had a hospital appointment in June and could I take him.

I feel for you OP, I really do.

2rebecca Sun 28-Apr-13 22:02:23

It sounds as though in the past you've made yourself too available. Start taking more computer and phone holidays on a weekend when you just turn them off and tell your mum to stop being silly and calm down and give you some space. I'd hate to feel that hassled but often people who are hassled like this have made themselves too available in the past. Regularly going camping or walking without a mobile is a good way of getting people to leave you alone on a weekend.

cjel Sun 28-Apr-13 21:59:40

I have phones for my benefit.I and all my family answer when its ok for us not the people calling. If I don't want to speak to anyone I don't!! Wouldn't kill callers to stop being rude and stop keep ringing. I've never heard anything like this with people coming round. Whatever happened to 'oh they must be busy' and be polite enough to stop harassing. If they are worried thats not my problem it something they need to work out not me. I shouldn't have to answer to meet their needs.

SarahAndFuck Sun 28-Apr-13 21:55:36

Does your mother make a habit of getting hysterical when you don't answer the phone, or was it a one off because she knew you were ill?

We regularly used to get messages from PIL's and DH's siblings that went like this.

MIL: It's just me, ring me back.
MIL: Me again, just rang your mobile, ring me back.
MIL: Me again, you haven't rung back.
MIL: Is something wrong? I can't reach either of you, ring me back.
FIL: Ring your Mother, she's getting worried.
MIL: Has something happened, you haven't rung me back, let me know you are okay.
MIL: I'm really worried, have you been hurt? Let me know if somethings's wrong?
MIL: Why aren't you talking to me?
MIL: I'm sorry about your Dad, but I know something bad has happened, ring me back.
BIL 2: Mate, ring Mum when you get this, you know what she's like.
MIL: Nobody has heard from you, ring me back.
BIL 1: You think you're too fucking good for us don't you?
MIL: <crying noises and muffled speaking>
MIL: I can't stand it, where are you?

And then we would get home from work or the supermarket or an afternoon shopping and find all that on the machine.

They once reported DH missing to his base (he's in the forces) because they had been on holiday for a week but he hadn't thought to phone them. Someone came to look for him and he got into trouble from his boss for wasting their time.

So, if this is a regular thing, you have my sympathies and YANBU. PILs are glued to their phones and cannot understand that other people might not be.

lurkedtoolong Sun 28-Apr-13 21:54:57

I understand that it's annoying, really very annoying, but would it have killed you to send a text saying "I've got a cold, spending the weekend sleeping it off, speak to you in a couple of days."

numbum Sun 28-Apr-13 21:53:33

LOL you missed that bit out or my wine addled brain missed that bit! In that case, fair enough grin

Fakebook Sun 28-Apr-13 21:50:35

True numbum, except I'd told him and my DH the night before I'd be home late. No one heard me apparently.

MadBusLady Sun 28-Apr-13 21:45:26

although a cold doesn't really warrant spending all weekend in bed surely?

You clearly haven't had the cold I've just had!

numbum Sun 28-Apr-13 21:44:24

fakebook, the fact that your dad was used to you being home at 6pm for months on end (I only assume that from the 'it was the first time in God knows how long I'd gone out'), why wouldn't he worry that you hadn't arrived home?

Again, what's wrong with a quick 'I'm fine, be home later' reply?

MadBusLady Sun 28-Apr-13 21:44:06


If you text your mother to tell her you are ok but in bed with a cold, will the interaction progress to a whole new level of "I'll come round, I'll bring soup, when can I come round, why are you not telling me when I can come round, I'm coming round to kick the door down"?

numbum Sun 28-Apr-13 21:42:49

I don't see why you couldn't send a quick text in reply to say you were fine but ill in bed (although a cold doesn't really warrant spending all weekend in bed surely?). The whole 'what did we do before mobile phones' isn't valid because we DO have mobile phones now

I do think her turning up at work was a bit OTT though!

Fakebook Sun 28-Apr-13 21:40:47

This reminds me of the time I went to a work do straight after work once. We could bring families along too, so I picked up dd from nursery and drove straight to the pub in the countryside where we were meeting. My dad was living with us at the time and started phoning me at exactly 6pm. I ignored it because it was the first time in God knows how long I'd gone out somewhere and colleagues were playing with dd in the grounds so I could relax nicely. Then my sister started calling. Ignored it. Then my brother started calling. Ignored it. Then I started getting messages asking me where I was and why I hadn't got home yet. Each phone call and message was making me angrier and angrier. Finally, news of my apparent death reached DH (who'd conveniently forgotten I was going out). I turned my phone off at that point.

When I got home my whole family was gathered at my house and they'd been calling the local hospital asking about me hmm. This all happened in a space of about 3 hours. I was so angry. I still get angry thinking about that day actually.

OP, yanbu. You really aren't.

WorrySighWorrySigh Sun 28-Apr-13 21:36:13

Just a thought but normally (ie when not ill) are you a regular texter? Is it possible that the radio silence has unnerved your DM and your friend?

If this is the case then this might be a wake up call to reduce the texting.

Apologies if this isnt the case.

DH & I could lie dead in our kitchen, DM & DPiL probably wouldnt notice for a month. DCs would notice when we ran out of bread and milk (having spent days stepping over our bodies).

Nagoo Sun 28-Apr-13 21:25:31

Yes she's doing your tree in, but you need to confront this directly.

She's clearly got some proper anxiety about this, maybe you should be a bit sympathetic to that?

I realise it's a PITA but one text could have shut her up and you could have got on with your 'you time'.

MyNameIsLola Sun 28-Apr-13 21:23:58


I understand completely, my mother is like yours under normal circumstances but I'm pg ATM and get 10 texts a day at the absolute minimum to check I'm okay. If I don't reply within 2 minutes, she calls. If I don't answer (because I'm BUSY sometimes), she comes over.

We actually had a argument over it several weeks ago in which I told her that its just too much. She managed 3 hours without texting.

NotDead Sun 28-Apr-13 21:17:17

HOw can i have led them on? This was something THEY made up! what about before mobiles?? you couldn't call someone for hours if they weren't in their house..

PoppyWearer Sun 28-Apr-13 21:15:27

I feel your pain.

I spoke to my DDad two hours ago. He will still expect an email before 8am tomorrow morning or he will assume that DH, the DCs and I are all dead in our beds.

Bless them.

ryanboy Sun 28-Apr-13 21:14:40

* didn't call back because this hysteria really annoys me *

What a brat you are! Your parents are concerned because they have heard you were too ill to go on the trip and instead of just phoning them back and saying you had a cold, you 'led them, on' by continually ignore their calls of course they are going to worry!

TidyDancer Sun 28-Apr-13 21:06:45

I just think you could've ended all this just by letting her know you were fine. I don't see any real reason for you to perpetuate this.

Your mum might be overbearing, but unless you actually plan to confront her about this, it's pointless you continuing the silliness.

cjel Sun 28-Apr-13 21:01:47

Not dead - are you sure you're OK? shall I pop round later to make sure? if I don't hear from you within the next 15 mins or so I'll pop over any way.xx

NotDead Sun 28-Apr-13 19:23:05

Oh FFS!!!! ARRGH!! I just checked emails and I got one from the house I work at!! She had bloody driven there to check whether I was there or not and started hassling the person I work for!!! WTF she has gone mental..

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