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Spectacularly passive aggressive MIL!

(74 Posts)
stinkingbishop Sun 28-Apr-13 07:57:03

Background - one year old twins and a 19 year old I've just rescued from Uni as, well, long story.

PIL come up for the weekend. Despite everything on my plate, get up 2 hours before the twins each day to cook in advance, clean, make beds etc...

MIL: "You're so wonderfully relaxed <stinkingbishop>, when I was a young Mum I tried so hard to make everything perfect".

Reasons why I shouldn't clump her one?!

DP cannot see the problem by the way - "it's a compliment, she's saying you're not stressy".

Yes, DP. But I got up at 4am and apparently it's not 'perfect'.


There are worst problems in the world, I know. Sorry....

WhoWhatWhereWhen Sun 28-Apr-13 08:57:23

OP, Trust your instincts you know her better than most, is she often saying things like this?

Stropzilla Sun 28-Apr-13 09:00:18

I have one of those I know exactly what you mean. "I'm so jealous of you being able to spend time with your baby. I feel I missed out because I was to busy making sure my house was tidy. "

Innocent to everyone else. Snipey to me but recently dh can spot it too.

TigerFeet Sun 28-Apr-13 09:00:20

why on earth are you getting up at 4am to do housework? ?? shock confused

pudcat Sun 28-Apr-13 09:05:29

Well I think I had better stop paying my daughters in law compliments in case unbeknown to me I have actually been making snide comments.

Standautocorrected Sun 28-Apr-13 09:06:26

I think it's a compliment too from what you have written.
I think she admires you for getting up so early and getting your house sorted. So do I but you must be crazy!

Finallygotaroundtoit Sun 28-Apr-13 09:10:42

Strop, I think your MIL was just voicing her regret.

I've heard many older people say they genuinely regret not cuddling or enjoying their dcs more.

BoundandRebound Sun 28-Apr-13 09:15:23

That's not passive aggressive, that's nice

And maybe you should treat her like a friend and laugh it off by telling her you're up at 4 which is in my view, and would be in hers no doubt, absolutely barmy.

What are you trying to prove?

Loveiswhereitfalls Sun 28-Apr-13 09:19:38

Compliment -My arse !grin

Stop getting up at 4am .
The need to make nasty little putdowns (under the guise of being "nice") is her problem. Either laugh hysterically until she looks at you like this confused or just ignore and say "Aww Thanks DMIL" she will also look confused .Works like a treat on PA people .

FarBetterNow Sun 28-Apr-13 09:22:00

Please come back and tell us that you don't choose to get up at 4.00am everyday to clean and cook.

Some of us can't work out whether you mean everyday or just that day.

stinkingbishop Sun 28-Apr-13 10:03:31

Aw, just on a twin break and seen all these comments. You're lovely ladies all of you, will read properly later, but thanks! We'll be 'fine'...

stinkingbishop Sun 28-Apr-13 10:04:48

And no just 4am on MIL days! Not every day!

DoJo Sun 28-Apr-13 10:30:19

I too don't really see the problem with it - sounds like she's complimenting you, although as others have said if she is always saying things which are genuinely passive aggressive then maybe this is just a part of it. I frequently compliment a mum I know who has twins on how calm she is compared to how I imagine I would be if I had two - I'm sure she takes it in the spirit which it is meant!

Loveiswhereitfalls Sun 28-Apr-13 10:38:57

A compliment would be " Oh stinking you are really managing the twins/house well - you are really relaxed"

On the surface MIL comments seem nice but there is always a little dig or sting in the tail- usually about how much better the MIL did it ie she had everything "perfect"
I have had to deal with the most PA person ever ( not my MIL) and it is best to either laugh it off or ignore and take the "compliments" at face value - it dont half confuse them grin

cocolepew Sun 28-Apr-13 10:40:17

Fuck sake woman stay in your bed shock Don't get up at 4 to clean and cook, if nobody helps you then it doesn't get done, if MIL makes a comnent say "oh thanks so much for offering, the hoovers over there".

Plomino Sun 28-Apr-13 10:41:27

I have a MIL that has been known to come out with some fantastic comments . I particularly enjoyed the " ooh I haven't been in such a lived in house in ages ". This when both DH and I are both juggling full time shift work , no outside childcare other than nursery , 5 kids and 3 horses .

Then one memorable year , she came to visit , and on day 2 had a heart attack in our house , which meant six weeks in local hospital and two weeks then staying with us , and FIL staying with us for the whole 8 weeks . Not one comment have we had about our ' lived in ' home since , and it seems I am apparently now regarded as some kind of miracle worker . All I can say is , they never found the gin and Pro plus ....

TheHerringScreams Sun 28-Apr-13 10:50:30

Ooh, that really is insulting you.

Compliment- You're so wonderfully relaxed

Sting- when i was a young Mum, I tried so hard to make everything perfect.

She's basically saying that she worked a lot to make everything perfect (a.k.a worked hard) but you are laid back (a.k.a lazy).

I have a MIL like that. Always a negative under the guise of a positive.

squeakytoy Sun 28-Apr-13 11:16:14

if your own mother had said it, it would have been a compliment, but because it was your MIL, the vast majority of this board will tell you she is a bitch, when it was probably just a compliment... but thats MN and the MIL hatred for you.. confused

flippinada Sun 28-Apr-13 11:22:58

YABU to get up at four in the morning!

Seriously, don't do that to yourself. You have one year old twins, you should resting as much as you can.

flippinada Sun 28-Apr-13 11:24:27

Also, what are your 19 year old and DP doing to help.

Please don't say you are rushing round trying to make everything lovely while they do nothing?

diddl Sun 28-Apr-13 12:43:59

"And no just 4am on MIL days! Not every day!"


Why do you get up & do it all in advance?

Does anyone else help-do they??

It's a weekend-isn't everyone at home with nothing to do but help?

diddl Sun 28-Apr-13 12:44:51

Why do you care so much that you make such an effort for them?

Graceparkhill Sun 28-Apr-13 12:48:11

I am wondering why the 19 year old and your OH can't help.
Getting up at 4 am is madness.

freddiefrog Sun 28-Apr-13 13:00:27

My MiL is always making digs like that so I wouldn't take it as a compliment either. She dresses up a dig as a compliment so you're never really sure how to take it

My favourite one was on our wedding day - 'so refreshing to see a bride who hasn't gone to any effort over her appearance'

Cluffyfunt Sun 28-Apr-13 13:01:51

Your mil is a bit of a tit, but you are being a bigger one with your 4am cleaning! shock
Stop it and remind yourself what century we are in.
She will be a bitch about it whatever you do, so why bother putting yourself through it?

Are you ok other than this?
The 4am housework is very odd behaviour.
Are you stressed day to day?

neontetra Sun 28-Apr-13 13:11:56

My MIL often jokes about my lack of housework. But I don't get offended because it's true, I don't do any! My friends and family all say I'm this wonderfully "relaxed" mother, and I do take it as a compliment, though perhaps they are, from their perspective, trying to stealth insult me, who knows? Don't worry about it - if she honestly believes it was a good idea for her to spend the early days' of her children's lives stressed making everything "perfect" (and what does that even mean?) then she's silly, isn't she?

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