More of a 'what do you think?'(7 Posts)
DH and I live together in the house he bought with his ex, while we save a deposit for our own place. Wen she left him he bought her out of her share. They have a 7 year old DD.
Anyway, the house is in a bit of a crap area. They originally picked it because it was near DH's ex's parents. All her family live there and they have done for generations, etc. I'm not from there and neither is DH.
The thing is, we're talking about starting a family and where we should move to. DH wants to get a bigger place in the same area so he can keep on being close to DSD. At the moment he sees her loads because we're still round the corner from his ex's place (when they split up she moved next door to her parents).
Thing number one: I know how important it is for DH to send as much time as possible with DSD. I wouldn't want him to have to see less of her.
But my dilemma is that I really don't want to stay in the area. The schools are rubbish, it's a bit grotty and run down, not particularly safe late at night, some teen gang violence, etc.
Plus, when i have DC's i want to be nearer to my own support network instead of being here about an hour's ride on public transport away from my friends.
What are my options do you think? Have I painted myself into a corner I can't get out of?
Would he consider compromising? Being near enough to dsd to travel easily by car but not so close its on the door step?
I've suggested that and he does seem open to it.
I my heart if hearts, I'd like us to move to the other side if the city we live in. It's where all my friends are based with their kids, etc. I moved to the other side of the city to be with him, plus living in his house that has a small mortgage made it easier to save money for a deposit.
I guess I have to give up on that idea though don't I?
I was just thinking about it today and realised that I'm totally compromising the way I want to live and the way I want my future family to live. I know marriage is about compromise and so is being part of a blended family. But is this a compromise too far?
I feel a bit sorry for H's DD if she's set to go to a 'rubbish' school but if his ex has her family support network in the area I guess that is up to her and your DH.
I'd find it claustrophobic living so close to an ex wife and in-laws so don't blame you for preferring to live elsewhere. If it's the same city, as long as DH is prepared to drive the distance to see and collect SDD it shouldn't be a mammoth distance to travel. (Should I say, providing you don't change your tune and resent him putting in the extra miles when you have a pfb or more DCs). You haven't said you begrudge time he spends with his DD so imo now would be the time to move to get used to new arrangements before DH starts a family with you.
The unreasonableness depends on how far "the other side of the city we live in" is. If the city you live in is London the other side is a long way. If it's Canterbury it might not be.
While I understand his reticence to leave what has been a convenient location for frequent contact with his daughter it's no more unreasonable for you to want to be near your support networks and family than for him to be near his daughter.
You're only talking an hour. Can you move somewhere that is half an hour for both of you? That's not going to make it difficult for him to have lots of contact.
You ask WWYD, well I'd definitely move out of the area but would be happy to compromise on where to move to. I think it would be unfair to move miles away to be close to your mates if that meant that your DH's daughter had lessor more difficult contact with her dad. Why not look for a compromise here. It could mean that your DSD could go to a better school if you and your DH live in the area.
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