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To feel uncomfortable about this situation re: my childminder

(98 Posts)
Shizzy Sat 27-Apr-13 15:25:19

My first ever post but don't be gentle please - I need some honest opinions re: this situation as I think I'm just being petty. This is long and not a major, life shattering issue at all but it's bothering me and I respect the opinions (and honesty) of you fellow mumsnetters.

My DD is 20 months. She's been with her CM for about 9 months. The CM looks after her own DD and another little girl both aged approx 2.8 years old. I'll call the other little girl that my CM looks after 'Bella ' to make this easier to explain. Bella's parents are loaded. You know, talking about buying £1million yachts and £2million houses. We're not and neither is the CM but she's obviously impressed by this type of thing. CM and Bella's mum are very pally. I've no problem with that at all but I am slightly perplexed because Bella's mum tried to befriend me a while ago and then went completely cold towards me. I was always polite and relatively friendly with her but didn't jump at striking up a full on friendship with her as between work, my DD, other family and friends I just didn't have time. The three of us went out recently (me, CM and Bella's mum) and I have never felt so awkward in all my life - it was clear that Bella's mum felt I was intruding. It was the CM's idea to do this meet up and believe me, I won't be going to any others! Part of the reason I feel like this is that both the CM and Bella's mum are snotty re: clothes and stuff. Their kids are generally decked out in JoJo, Joules and designer stuff. My DD is in Primark, Matalan and Sainsburys most of the time, generally because I think spending a fortune on kids clothes is pointless when DD grows out of stuff in weeks and comes home covered in paint and food! When my DP and DD came to pick me up after the day out with the CM & Bella's mum, from what I saw, they both glanced at one another and then sneered at something my DD was wearing which yes, was a bit 'common'. They both made pointed comments about said item and I felt like the biggest scummy mummy in the world. Pathetic to be bothered, I know, but I was. I felt judged and more than that, I was upset that they were judging my DD. I'm probably being oversensitive but it bothered me. There have been other comments too in the past about my DD's cheap clothes.

Now, the issue I have is that 3 out of 5 days a week, the CM picks up my DD and takes her to Bella's mum's house to get Bella. BUT, the CM doesn't just pick up Bella and go, instead Bella's mum makes the CM a coffee and breakfast for the kids and they sit around having a chin wag for about an hour. I was never comfortable with this but I'm not one to make a fuss. Now though, I'm feeling increasingly uncomfortable with this and want it to stop. Partly as I feel I'm paying the CM to look after me DD, not sit around with her friend having a chat, and partly as I know that Bella's mum doesn't like me.

AIBU and petty? I think I probably am but I can't shake the feeling in the pit of my stomach that I don't want my DD in the house of someone who clearly doesn't like me 3 mornings out of 5 a week. It just feels weird.

looselegs Sat 27-Apr-13 16:00:38

OMG! How bloody unprofessional!!!

You are NOT being silly-if something is bothering you,then it's a problem no matter how trivial you think it is.
CM needs to remember that it's YOUR cash paying for HER kids clothes!
I'm a CM and behaviour like this is not on.It's appalling! I actually tell parents to never send their children in their best clothes when they come to me, because they certainly won't be their best clothes by the time they go home!
Sounds like you need a new 'minder-see how she likes it when you give her notice!

StuntGirl Sat 27-Apr-13 16:01:18

Good god, what are they, 12?

If you like her and want to keep her I would outright say "I've noticed quite a lot of comments from yourself and Bella's mum on my daughter's clothing. I'd appreciate it if you would both refrain from passing comment".

If you think they will both be creating a snobby atmosphere for your child with their sneering and catty comments, or she doesn't improve after you speak to her, then I would look for alternative arrangements and tell her why.

Longdistance Sat 27-Apr-13 16:03:54

Sack the CM and find another one. That should wipe the smugness off her face.

chickensaladagain Sat 27-Apr-13 16:04:15

It's not very professional of the CM to be socialising with parents anyway IMHO

blurs the lines of what should be a professional relationship

Mondrian Sat 27-Apr-13 16:04:39

I used to have problems with my rich friends, over the years I have come to terms with my feelings and are now great pals.

mummytime Sat 27-Apr-13 16:05:13

I have to say they sound dreadfully "common" to me, no one really posh is that bothered by labels etc. in my experience.

aldiwhore Sat 27-Apr-13 16:07:24

It all sounds like too much pleasure is being mixed with business on your CM's part. She sounds pretty unprofessional.

I would be looking for another CM or a nursery.

You are her client, she should be making you feel completely at ease, not judging you, sneering at you and arse licking her richer client.

Try not to get drawn into judging the richer woman, you don't need any reason at all to use a CM, any reason is valid. Your CM is at fault here.

Don't get pally with her again, don't go on meals out, she's not your friend she is a business so keep the business relationship going (and you can still be pleasant and polite) but nip the out of business contact in the bud.

So that I don't come across as blaming the CM entirely, it could be that she finds the rich client hard work, hence inviting you to the meal also??

I'd still be distancing myself from anything that was more friendship than business.

MrBloomsBloomers Sat 27-Apr-13 16:07:57

I'd be wondering how long it would be before dd overheard one of these comments and understood what they were saying and would be finding a new childminder.

pinkyredrose Sat 27-Apr-13 16:08:26

What a pair of hideous bitches!

Flisspaps Sat 27-Apr-13 16:09:32

Find a childminder who acts professionally. Give notice to your current childminder.

Shizzy Sat 27-Apr-13 16:11:45

Married, DeckSwabber, CalltheMidwife, I think you're all right. I'm just being oversensitive. My DD is happy there and loves my CM and the two kids she's with. It's just that little bit of me that is worried they are slagging me off or judging my DD in her hearing when I'm not there to defend her/me that bothers me. I need to get over that. My CM is contracted to do pick ups and drop offs and she's also contracted 7am - 7pm if I need her. Where else am I going to find such a great situation again with a CM that does clearly care for my DD and looks after her well.

QuintessentialOHara Sat 27-Apr-13 16:12:44

Bella and your CM behave like playground bullies. They are targeting your child, to get to you. angry

You would be an utter mug to pay this woman money to belittle and disrespect your daughter.

Can you find another CM? If I were you I would give notice. And I would let the CM know why. She is being an utter cow.

JerseySpud Sat 27-Apr-13 16:12:51

In all fairness the CM shouldn't be socialising with clients. No chance. She is there to do a job, it sounds like shes desperate to be like Bella's mum.

I would look around for another CM asap if it were me.

applepieinthesky Sat 27-Apr-13 16:13:55

Regardless of how good the CM is it's only a matter of time before your DD picks up on it. I would be making alternative childcare arrangements asap.

LunaticFringe Sat 27-Apr-13 16:14:36

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 27-Apr-13 16:14:37

I don't like the sound of this at all!!

I'd be ditching her too, tbh.

She is your employee and should not be trying to make you feel like shit and as though you are in the playground again!

5318008 Sat 27-Apr-13 16:20:33

um CMs are not employees, they offer a paid for service <sorry for picking up on this>

Well I think you should look for a new childminder, the pair of them sound a but horrid really

MmeThenardier Sat 27-Apr-13 16:21:01

I don't mind her going for a coffee sounds quite pleasant for the children, a change of scenery etc.

I find the idea of you all going out together a bit strange.

I don't like the comments they've made. As much as anything they sound really odd. The trainers thing... doesn't even make sense. SO what? A child in trainers! What is there to say?

It sounds like you're quietly seething at their labels/clothing comments. Is it time to make your feelings known? Have some replies ready like

"Are trainers a problem whats so surprising about them?"

"I really don't think dd cares where her coat is from"

"I'm not really into labels tbh. I wouldn't dream of spending so much on a child who'll outgrow it in a week"

"Oh Im not into all that designer stuff I'm afraid you're Tommy Hilfiger jacket would be wasted on me"

They don't sound very nice. I wouldn't want to leave my child with this CM. Wouldn't want any of it rubbing off.

mrspaddy Sat 27-Apr-13 16:23:18

Dear OP, I would get out of this situation. . take your time though and bite your tongue. Never let the real reason you are changing CM out of the bag.. I wouldn't give them the satisfaction. There is absolutely nothing wrong in the where your children's outfits come from. I guarantee your CM will tire of Bella's mother.. she sounds more down to earth than her and it's hard work to keep up with someone like this. Ultimately this little niggle every time you collect your daughter will mount up and eat at your confidence. I know a woman who buys Tesco clothes for her children one or years ahead so her neighbours won't know. What a sad way to live. She remarks at everyone else's clothing yet she is happy enough for her children to be in Tesco.. anyway.. I don't have much to do with is too short x

ThePlatypusAlwaysTriumphs Sat 27-Apr-13 16:26:37

I would hate this- not surprised it bothers you! I actually really hate expensive designer clothes on little children- it makes me feel uncomfortable, like they are little trophies to be shown off, and as though the way they look is all-important. Far prefer to see happy-go-lucky kids in grubby "who-cares" gear. A cm with this kind of materialistic/ snooty outlook would be an absolute deal-breaker for me. Someone who would judge a 3 yo on their outfit does not sound like a warm, loving person!!

I'd definitely be looking for someone else.

KittyLane1 Sat 27-Apr-13 16:27:07

YANBU, the CM will be a lot less snooty when she stops getting an income from your cash. I would look for another child minder.

Footface Sat 27-Apr-13 16:35:16

I would worry that dd was picking up on the negativity when at bella's house, and whether this extended to care if your dd

SwishSwoshSwoosh Sat 27-Apr-13 16:37:03

I would move if it were my child, horrible attitudes really. Young children really shoud be free of any petty worries about clothes etc.

Seriously, move her.

She will like a new, kinder cm even more potentially.

ENormaSnob Sat 27-Apr-13 16:38:55

I would look for another cm tbh.

The socialising/coffee mornings wouldn't bother me.

The sneering, judging and commenting on your dds clothes would bother me hugely.

Set of bastards.

ShipwreckedAndComatose Sat 27-Apr-13 16:40:35

Fair point 5318008

I'll reword to say that she is offering a service to the op...and at present, this service isn't good enough. I'd be worried too about dd picking up on these signals.

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