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To expect a phone call (mil related)

(9 Posts)
Benby Sat 27-Apr-13 10:42:14

Ok this is my first thread in aibu so please go easy on me.
Myself and my dh have been ttc#3 for 9 months we had a chemical pregnancy in Feb and finally a bfp in March. I should be 11 weeks on Monday. No one knew I was pregnant only me and dh.
Two weeks ago I started getting brown discharge and I went to a&e in the maternity hospital. They done a scan said all was ok, baby measuring 8+6 and there was a second sac so expecting twins. Scanner was too poor to get a view of second twin but was told all ok only come back if I have bright red blood or bad pain.
About 4 days later I had a private scan done and everything fell apart . I wasn't measuring to my dates, there was 2 sacs but only one had a yolk and she told me I was likely to miscarry. So I went back to the maternity hospital and they gave me a scan on Wednesday and confirmed the same as private scan and to come back in a week and they would check again and if all the same they will book a d&c. I have since started to bleed so booked to go back Monday now.
When we had the private scan we told our parents and told them when we 'd be going back to the hospital. My mam lives with us so she minded out other children while we went but we never heard anything from mil before both appointments.
We had our last appointment on Wednesday and my dh rang her after and told her we'd lost our twins they stopped growing. And she said maybe its for the best it happened now and not when I'm further along. She also said it could be worse look at x ( x is dh's cousin who has cancer) any how that was Wednesday and its Saturday now and she hasn't even rang dh to see how he is / how we are ! !
She doesn't even know I've started bleeding and our next appointment has been brought forward.
Sorry for the long post but aibu to expect a phone call not even for me but to see how her ds is doing
Thanks for reading helps to write it all down
Regards
Benby

5318008 Sat 27-Apr-13 10:47:06

I am so sorry

I found the the older women in my family were very much of this stoic/never mind/all for the best point of view, very much a product of their age I feel

She's not being unkind, just pragmatic

nananaps Sat 27-Apr-13 10:55:39

Agree, its a generation thing.

Ive had 7 miscarriages with nothing at all from my pil.

Even had to go through them all in hospital alone as my dh had to stay home to look after our son as they wont ever help us out.
Their attitude is "just get on with it".

So i understand why you are upset/annoyed but its the way they are unfortunately.

SarahAndFuck Sat 27-Apr-13 10:58:19

It's hard for some people to know what to do or say following a loss.

I'm not defending your MIL, my own MIL has been very cruel since we lost our babies.

A lot of people seem to think that explaining how things could be worse or how your loss was probably 'for the best' will help in some way. It doesn't, but most of them mean well when they say those sort of things.

It would have been nice for her to phone and see how you all are, but she may feel she doesn't want to intrude.

People often say nothing because they are scared they might upset you even more than you already are.

It's very strange, but I've found that when you are grieving you quite often find yourself in the position of comforting others and making them feel better before they can comfort you, because they just don't know what to do for the best with you and so say nothing for fear of getting it wrong. You sometimes have to show them the way you want to go on.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

BlueberryHill Sat 27-Apr-13 10:58:23

I'm so sorry.

I think that she should have phoned to see how you all are.

I have been in a similar situation and whilst my MIL was more sympathetic she also came out with the 'it is all for the best line' as that is how she copes, DH also rationalises things, that is the way that he handled his sorrow. I don't work that way though and just felt, I fucking know that, but I am still sad and grieving for the loss. I found their attempts at comfort (with the exception of DH) lacking, they didn't care any less they just didn't express it very well. I think that your MIL response is very unfeeling, I'm just trying to put the comments in a different light. Look at it in the context of your complete relationship with her.

quoteunquote Sat 27-Apr-13 10:59:09

I couldn't read and run,

please be kind to yourselves, what you are dealing with is really tough,

you will find that people are very inept at handling the situations and what they do or do not say, and in your fragile state all of it will feel very magnified,

Other peoples concepts of the situations, will be highlighted, people tend not to be grief literate outside their own personal experiences, and most have no concept of the extent of their own missing knowledge on the subject, so are unaware that they are being more than incompetent in their contributions,

It is only their worst nightmare, it's your reality, so their projections are their coping strategies for something that is beyond them.

Good luck,

selsigfach Sat 27-Apr-13 10:59:19

I am so sorry for your losses.
Let yourself grieve, focus on you and let the people around you who love you support you. Don't waste time/energy thinking about your crass Mil.

Benby Sat 27-Apr-13 12:29:59

Hi guys thanks for all the replies it means alot. We had a chat this morning and decided that we're just going to get on with things as best we can. I have my dh and he had me and thankfully we both have my mam to support us.
I just really feel for my dh only his sil txted last Wednesday and nothing since even his brother never got on touch.
He told me when we came home after we got the bad news that while I was in the loo there was a chap beside him waiting on his partner too and the chaps mam rang him to see how things were and he said to me why can't my mam be like that.
I know we'll get through this cause we're strong but its hard to watch your dh even more upset because of his mother
Thanks again for answering me at least I know I'm not being unreasonable but your right about looking after us and just forget about her

greenformica Sat 27-Apr-13 13:02:38

My Mum who is normally lovely was really useless and awful about our M/C's after a extremely long period of infertility. After that I struggled to confined in her and in fact didn't tell her about my next pregnancy till I was about 20 weeks and things were completely OK. I was quite honest about the reasons for not telling her earlier but put it gently.

All I can say is concentrate on those who are supportive. Less contact from her is a very good thing considering the crap she comes out with.

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