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or is she being oversensitive?

(13 Posts)
PrincessTeacake Sat 27-Apr-13 01:20:39

My friend and I have a pretty good relationship butI find her hard work sometimes. She gets easily upset about things and I have a pretty blunt manner that I try to keep reined in around her, but sometimes stuff slips out.

Anyway, we were discussing an upcoming day outwith some mutual friends that I got stuck with hosting and, teasing, I told them I would demand fealty by way of baked goods. She responded, we got talking about cake, she mmentioned you couldmake cream puffs as long as you knew how to make puff pastry. Then I said its choux pastry needed in cream puffs, adding an expression to lether know I was just teasing.

She has since sent me a privprivate message telling me she is tired of me patronising her in regards to her baking.Thinking on it, I can recall a grand total of two occasions where I have said anything to her about her baking and I thought it was pretty innocuous. She has had very few problems making personal digs at me, regarding my inability to handle a drink, my uptightedness about sex and how I am 'weird' around children (I'm a nanny, I happen to like and get on well with children). I'm able to laugh it off, I can't see why she can't do the same.

OutragedFromLeeds Sat 27-Apr-13 01:22:32

grin @ 'patronising her in regards to her baking'

Bake her a cake to say sorry?

Whitewineformeplease Sat 27-Apr-13 01:35:40

She sounds hard work. The same thing happened to me recently, where I said something blunt, the friend took offence and then gave me a telling off about how hard it was to be friends with me as I'm so opinionated... I think it's more about how much people like that want to be in charge and the passive aggressive way they go about getting you to change how you interact with them. You've already said you rein in some of the things you say so she's already begun training you!

If you can't be yourself around someone then they're not really a good friend. The best way to deal with this kind of thing is to keep questioning, "I don't understand, how was I patronising you?" "But I don't get it, why do you think that?" "But why are you annoyed? Can you give me examples of when I've done this?" Etc. etc. Get her to explain, over and over, what her problem is, keep playing dumb. She won't be able to explain it. But really, in the end, I would distance myself.

AgentZigzag Sat 27-Apr-13 01:38:07

There does seem to be a mismatch between your banter and her knowing you're bantering.

Going on how I was brought up to know that even though they've got a deadpan expression, the twinkle in the persons eye etc means they're just pulling your leg, and how DH took a little while to catch on that I didn't mean things literally all the time, if she doesn't know how to read it then it's going to cause problems.

It didn't with us, and I don't do it in a 'I'm crazy me, and my whole family are so zany, you'll get used to us' way grin but I know that you have to be sure the person will get you pulling their leg before you do it - i.e. that's only going to be some people you know.

Like I can be really offensive about and to my oldest friend because she's such an old slapper she knows I'm never going to mean it like that, but I'd never say anything like that to someone I didn't like.

Could she be a bit unsure about the friendship she has with you/insecure about herself?

PrincessTeacake Sat 27-Apr-13 01:48:06

I do feel like she gets a bit annoyed because I get a lot of attention (social butterfly, no shame, v enthusiastic about everything) whereas she's more reserved and shy. I have noticed her digs at me are kind ofpassive aaggressive but I'm okay with a bit of ribbing so I always laugh it off. I go easy on her because she has lost a good few friends recently and her mother died when she was in her teens so she's a bit directionless.

AgentZigzag Sat 27-Apr-13 02:05:58

If you exchanged reserved and shy with awkward and prickly, then you could say I was similar to her grin

I look at effective shameless, enthusiastic social butterflies with longing, wishing I could be arsed muster up the energy to interact with others of an evening in a meaningful way.

But I would never hold that against them, I'm happy they get so much out of life and don't feel having company is a burden, when we're such social animals who crave social interaction.

Is it possible for you to take her as she is and try and ignore that bit? Obviously if she's an all round PITA then give her the boot, but you have to ignore some bits when you're friends, if this grates like fuck and she does it all the time then it's not working for you.

foslady Sat 27-Apr-13 12:09:06

Bake her a cake with an iced response...........!!!!!

Shellywelly1973 Sat 27-Apr-13 12:43:16

Sorry but why are you friends??

I thought it WAS puff pastry for cream puffs and choux for those elephants feet things and profiteroles. <unhelpful>

PrincessTeacake Sat 27-Apr-13 15:00:58

She's a good friend in some ways and we usually get on great, but this just keeps happening and its very tiresome. Talked to a friend of mine just now and he said "you know what shes like, no problem making jokes but she can't be the butt of them."

Baking a cake in response would be downright evil. I like it.

taxi4ballet Sat 27-Apr-13 15:23:39

What's her relationship like with her parents/other relatives? Are they the sort to have never praised her achievements when she was young, or tend to belittle her sometimes?

Was she always getting school reports that said 'could do better'?

When I got several A grades at O'Level, my mum said "Well O stands for ordinary - everyone should be able to pass that"!

It could be that her self-confidence has been so damaged by something in the past that she takes even the slightest remark as a criticism, she probably can't help it...

Tryharder Sat 27-Apr-13 16:20:41

Difficult to say if she's being oversensitive or not from what you've said. You've said you are 'blunt' so I'd like to hear her side before I commented.

Why not just send a nice message saying sorry you're offended, that was not my intention and draw a line under it.

PrincessTeacake Sat 27-Apr-13 20:17:18

I agree with you Tryharder, it's very difficult to tell who's in the right when I'm the only one talking about it. Normally I'd be quick to apologise if I had offended her but it's the hypocrisy of it that irks me, she has no problem insulting me and seems to take it for granted that I won't get offended and she can't extend the same courtesy to me.

Recently during a stage interview I was doing with some people, a sort of Room-101 style talk, she barged onto the stage and in front of the 200+ people there called me a hypocrite regarding my opinion on something. I was pretty hurt and embarrassed but again, let it go since the talk itself was very tongue-in-cheek. If I had done that to her I think she'd never speak to me again.

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