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To think I shouldn't be paying maintenance as well as DH?

(469 Posts)
Mumoftwo88 Fri 26-Apr-13 21:31:22

My DH has a daughter with his exW aged 8 and we have two children together aged 2 and 4. His exW claims maintenance from him and he pays it every month without fail at £250.00. She has recently just become unemployed and whilst I sympathise with her I cannot understand why she is now claiming that he should be paying more and if needs be it should be paid through my earnings. (Her words)

She seems to think that because our household has two incomes coming in then we are wadded. We're not. From my earnings I have the mortgage to pay, bills to pay for this household, a food shop to pay for, a car to run, and 3 children to provide for, including DSD when she stays here.

And I have a family holiday to pay for. I'd like to think we can have some luxuries without some woman trying to screw money out of me just because I happen to be the partner of her exH.

Now don't get me wrong I know it is important that DSD is provided for, but that is where my DH's maintenance payments come in and I make sure she is ok when she is here. At the end of the day I'm not some meal ticket to this woman.


Lj8893 Fri 26-Apr-13 22:34:28

Sorry x post!

zippy539 Fri 26-Apr-13 22:35:36

No - your earning are nothing to do with the price of mince. However, your Dh seems like he has a lot of financial commitments - ie his debts and his dd (not only financial in that case obs). Financially, you are having to subsidise him because of his decision to get into debt etc? Could it be that you are directing your annoyance at the wrong person - ie his ex.

Is there a possibility that your Dh is a bit of a cocklodger and this is why you are feeling so annoyed about this?

Anonymous88 Fri 26-Apr-13 22:40:05

kitandkat that's handy to know should partner and his ex choose to ever go through csa.

Mumoftwo88 Fri 26-Apr-13 22:40:12

Dahlen, my DH didn't pay towards childcare fees as there were no fees to pay. Luckily DSD's grandma (ex wife's mum) looked after her before and after school apart from 2 school nights when she was here, and then weekends she was off. She stays here every other weekend.

During school holidays that was different as DSD goes to a holiday club which they have always gone halves on. Now DH and I will be paying for it all.

bellablot Fri 26-Apr-13 22:40:38

YADNBU, tell her to fuck off, not your responsibility, it's hers and your husbands, end of!!!! confused

racmun Fri 26-Apr-13 22:47:58

Your salary is not counted. I would not pay a penny more.

The CSA maintenance is an amount calculated so that the child's lifestyle reflects the parent's earnings which is what would occur in a non split family. You are not the child's parent.

I am sure that she would not agree to a reduction if you lost your job for example and went down to one income.

For all the posters who say that the OP knew the situation- she did and she didn't have to pay. Why are the needs of the new children any less important.
If the mother can't house them then that is her issue. She should let the child live at the OP's until she is sorted.

fedupofnamechanging Fri 26-Apr-13 22:48:48

Your dh has been quite lucky up til now that his ex wife's mum has provided free child care - that would have cost him a lot more than he has been paying, so think of the holiday club costs as being offset against that.

OTTMummA Fri 26-Apr-13 22:51:43

It also save the RP money as well, let's not forget that, mkay.

fedupofnamechanging Fri 26-Apr-13 22:52:07

New dc aren't less important,racmun, but OP and dh had them knowing he had a financial commitment to his first dc.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 26-Apr-13 22:52:55

Karma if the nrp pays the % the csa would ask for then they do not have to pay any more regardless of additional costs like childcare or clubs ect.

All they HAVE to pay is the % assessment.

Op yanbu granted if you choose to do more yourself that's lovely but for her to actually ask is cheeky and rude.

YoniBottsBumgina Fri 26-Apr-13 22:53:56

You took on the responsibility of your SD when you married your DH imo. It's not about the ex, it's about the little girl. If he had sole custody of her you'd expect to contribute towards her upbringing, it's no different just because she lives with her mum.

IneedAsockamnesty Fri 26-Apr-13 22:54:23

And that assessment also gets reduced because the nrp has additional resident children.

GoSuckEggs Fri 26-Apr-13 22:54:51

god no, if i it was my DHs Ex she could go whistle.

she would not ever get a penny from me.

zippy539 Fri 26-Apr-13 22:55:05

So your Dh isn't having to cover his own daughters childcare, his current morgtage, his current household bills, his food, or the care of the three children he currently lives with (not sure whether they are his or not so possibly irrelevant). In short - he's fallen on his feet.

Honestly, I don't think it's his ex-wife you need to be worried about.

fedupofnamechanging Fri 26-Apr-13 22:55:22

That's shocking, sock. Child care should be a joint expense.

OTTMummA Fri 26-Apr-13 22:58:29

Yes yoni, if they have DSD live FT with them then they wouldn't be paying maintenance, they would get CB and any TC due.
I'd guess (I'd be right) that the ex wouldn't agree to that at all, see wouldn't be getting any money at all.
She probably wouldn't agree to it even if it was best for her DD, even short term.

fedupofnamechanging Fri 26-Apr-13 23:00:11

Strange idea that if mum is skint she should just hand over her dc to the dad. Bet very few mothers on here would willingly do that.

OTTMummA Fri 26-Apr-13 23:00:22

How were these debt acquired?
Whilst he was with the ex?

racmun Fri 26-Apr-13 23:01:34


The op's partner has maintained his financial commitment to the children that's not the issue. He's still paying what he always has
The exp wants more where does that money come from?

As I stated before if the op lost her job I doubt the exw would accept a reduction because of his other financial commitments.

Mumoftwo88 Fri 26-Apr-13 23:02:04

Zippy, I didn't say he isn't having to contribute towards anything. I said I have to cover most of it.

fedupofnamechanging Fri 26-Apr-13 23:02:14

She is probably not a money grabber - she is probably panicking like mad that she has no job and sees her ex having money for holidays and thinks he can afford to pay a bit more to support his daughter. She has probably just approached it badly out of panic at finding herself unemployed in a recession.

OTTMummA Fri 26-Apr-13 23:03:19

It's not really is it?
If you can't afford them on a decent amount of money and benefits then let them stay with the parent that can for a while whilst you find a job.
That is preferable to go begging for money from someone who has no obligation to you.
I would be thouroughly ashamed to request what this ex has.

FreudiansSlipper Fri 26-Apr-13 23:04:06

Yes why would it be better for a child to go and live with nrp just because finances are tight hmm

racmun Fri 26-Apr-13 23:04:18

I don't think it's the ex that has the money for the holidays it's the op!
How she choses to spend her money is up to her.

dontsufferfools Fri 26-Apr-13 23:04:18

A change of circumstance is difficult but would the current resident parent be ok with no money if the estranged dad lost his job. Its a joint responsibility with BOTH parents of the children but definately not the responsibility of the new partner.

I would not pay towards my DH's children because they are not my financial responsibility, they are his. And he provides accordingly.

I work bloody hard to provide for my own. I am not about to pay for children that are not my own. Sorry.

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