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To think I shouldn't be paying maintenance as well as DH?

(469 Posts)
Mumoftwo88 Fri 26-Apr-13 21:31:22

My DH has a daughter with his exW aged 8 and we have two children together aged 2 and 4. His exW claims maintenance from him and he pays it every month without fail at £250.00. She has recently just become unemployed and whilst I sympathise with her I cannot understand why she is now claiming that he should be paying more and if needs be it should be paid through my earnings. (Her words)

She seems to think that because our household has two incomes coming in then we are wadded. We're not. From my earnings I have the mortgage to pay, bills to pay for this household, a food shop to pay for, a car to run, and 3 children to provide for, including DSD when she stays here.

And I have a family holiday to pay for. I'd like to think we can have some luxuries without some woman trying to screw money out of me just because I happen to be the partner of her exH.

Now don't get me wrong I know it is important that DSD is provided for, but that is where my DH's maintenance payments come in and I make sure she is ok when she is here. At the end of the day I'm not some meal ticket to this woman.


Shakey1500 Fri 26-Apr-13 21:32:53


Shellywelly1973 Fri 26-Apr-13 21:34:27

Definitely YANBU!

alienbanana Fri 26-Apr-13 21:34:27

Is maintenance worked out on joint salary then, or just your DHs?

HoHoHoNoYouDont Fri 26-Apr-13 21:34:58


AThingInYourLife Fri 26-Apr-13 21:35:12


You don't owe her a penny.

Mumoftwo88 Fri 26-Apr-13 21:35:28

Just DH's alienbanana

KatAndKit Fri 26-Apr-13 21:36:51

You anre not being unreasaonable - his maintenance payment is calculated as a percentage of his income and has nothing to do with anyone else. The CSA will not take your earnings into account. However if she has hit desperate times then surely you will not want to see your DSD go without essentials while you swan off on your holiday?
But, as a general rule, no, he should not be paying more maintenance because of your income - not least because you have your own children too.

FlightyAphrodite Fri 26-Apr-13 21:37:04

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlackeyedSusan Fri 26-Apr-13 21:37:46


maintenance is the child's parents' earnings.

would be nice if you could get dsd an extra treat or two though sometimes, o dh pays for say shoes if mum is short... but demanding money from you is not the way to go about it.

WellJustCallHimDave Fri 26-Apr-13 21:38:49

You're not unreasonable but as your husband already had a child by the time he married you and had two more, and as he's responsible for that child it's not unreasonable that he should where necessary pay a larger proportion of his salary to maintain that child - i.e. to feed, house and clothe her and to pay for her share of the heating/water/lighting bills.

If that means that there's less in your and your husband's family coffers for luxuries, so be it. Presumably you knew he had a child for whom he was responsible when you married him and before you both decided to have more children?

OTTMummA Fri 26-Apr-13 21:39:44

She has no claim to anything more than the 250 she gets.
I would presume that she would be more than happy to reduce your dh's payments and take a contribution from any future partner she may have?

landofsoapandglory Fri 26-Apr-13 21:39:45


VBisme Fri 26-Apr-13 21:39:50

No YANBU I am currently paying DHs maintenance because he is out of work and I don't want to see the kids suffer, but I won't deny that it irritates the hell out of me.

Softlysoftly Fri 26-Apr-13 21:42:09

£250 doesn't sound very much for a child to be provided for on sad

YANBU to think your salary is not for the ex and dsd but if he can afford it he shouldn't see his dsd go without and onlyppay what the csa say.

cryhavocandletslipthedogsofwar Fri 26-Apr-13 21:44:46

I'm torn.

On the one hand, if she is unemployed but she still needs somewhere to live, money so she and her DD can eat, be warm and be clothed, then this money if it is not coming from your DH will come from state benefits.

I am no benefit basher and don't object to people claiming but part of me does think to be honest that DH SHOULD be upping his contributions to ensure HIS child is fed, clothed, etc., not the state.

That said I can see where you're coming from so I've no idea!

FreudiansSlipper Fri 26-Apr-13 21:45:30

If she is claiming the it should be worked out on both your salaries then no yanbu

Saying that I have no idea how much your dh earns, £250 per month is not a high amount if he is in a good wage (50k+)

Queenofknickers Fri 26-Apr-13 21:46:56


KatAndKit Fri 26-Apr-13 21:48:10

It's not her DH's fault that his ex isn't working though. She could decide a life on benefits is pretty jolly nice if she got extra maintenance too and that would not be fair on the OP and her family, who would be working hard and not seeing much for it.

KatAndKit Fri 26-Apr-13 21:49:15

If he is paying £250 a month I imagine that he earns about 30k assuming he is paying CSA rates? if he is paying above the minimum then he could be earning less.

FlightyAphrodite Fri 26-Apr-13 21:50:38

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mumoftwo88 Fri 26-Apr-13 21:52:26

Well I just wanted to know people's opinions really because my initial thought was NO, as it cannot be my responsibility surely. Also my other thoughts were about the CSA, which has already been answered. I was thinking that my income would start being included if his ex requested for it to be, but that's not the case.

Like I said I do sympathise with her about her current position (been there done that!) but at the end of the day I do have my own bills to pay and things like that. It's the way she demanded that annoyed me.

cryhavocandletslipthedogsofwar Fri 26-Apr-13 21:54:13

Kat, no it isn't his fault she isn't working, but it is his responsibility to provide for his child, and that may mean contributing more money in times like this.

That said a demand would absolutely annoy me, I would be more sympathetic if she'd asked nicely.

letseatgrandma Fri 26-Apr-13 21:59:19

YADNBU. It's shite that she's lost her job-I'm sure we can all sympathise/empathise with that, but it's not your job to pick up the slack. Have the daughter round as you would normally and make sure she has a nice time at yours, but I'm pretty sure the CSA can't take your income into account.

If she gets a new job with a pay rise, will she be decreasing your DH's payments?

fedupofnamechanging Fri 26-Apr-13 22:05:23

I think yabu to describe her as 'some woman', like she's a random passer by - she is the mother of your dh's child.

I also think that £250 is not a lot to contribute per month - could you raise your dc on that?

It's not your responsibility to financially support her or dsd, so yanbu in that sense, but if your income covers enough of the bills so that your dh has enough spare to up his child support, then I think he should do so, at least temporarily. Not because the ex wife has demanded it, but because it is for the benefit of his child, who needs it.

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