need to vent...mil(18 Posts)
My dh and I are on the same page on the school issue because practically it wouldn't work but a lot of other issue we're not as he thinks it's just that she's generous to a fault.
For example, she was asking about health insurance. We hadn't chosen yet. She said 'I'm going to choose for ds health insurance, I'll know what's best for him'
I said 'no mil, thank you but we're ds' parents, that's our job, we know what's best for him'
She said 'well I've already done all the research'. Sad and hurt look for the rest of the night.
Dh later gave out to me for snapping at her and wanted to let her do it.
Charleroi, at the beginning I did that and I was very grateful to have such generous inlaws but I've come to know every 'gift' comes with a set of conditions to let her have a say in our decisions and a presumption they'll be involved.
She gave my BIL some of the deposit to buy an apartment in the US, she now has contacted the residents manager and got him to send any emails regarding the apartment to her. Her name isn't on the lease. She's said he's not allowed smoke or have pets in the apartment, she didn't like what he chose so she 'helped' by choosing and buying all his furniture.
I realise it's his fault for letting him but she really thinks she's bought the right for some (most of) control over it now.
If I was on mumsnet when we got married there would've been many, many threads on the wedding. The only thing we let her pay for was invites. We had both my native language & English on, she took my native language off 'there's no need, everyone knows English' & completely changed it.
One of her emails started with 'let me explain to you again why my way is better, maybe you're being too sentimental about your language'
In fairness dh had a word then cos I was so angry
Just to say, you're not alone. My mil is controlling aswell and as another poster said here, it's only a problem if your dh sides with her. Try to be a united front and keep sticking up for yourself. Doesn't matter if she's offended - you have to keep showing her that you wont be told what to do.
It's a tough one but also very common!
Yee gad you have my sympathies. My father is the controlling one. His first words to me as they arrived shortly after DS was born whilst I lay recovering after a 12 hr labour and emergency c -section was "What school have you put DS down for?". Although I love him dearly I swear he has got worse as he gets older, luckily he is spending his time trying to control my cousins children by paying for air fares rather than putting too many ties on us.
I like Berthas approach or Onthebottoms. Sadly it ain't going to change her.
Haha yeah get the clothes one too!!why is he wearing that hat?im going to buy him a coat.hes a grown man if he wants clothes he will go buy them,he has a freekin job!!!tries giving me old lady clothes.er no.tells me how i 'should'do my hair.oh you look nice 'today'
I even got told if you dont get him christened we will just take him and do it.yeah you will....over my dead lifeless body.she was even asking me who 'i wanted her to invite to it!'sorry but we are childs parents so why would you be inviting people?
my in laws are also from overseas so had the conversation(one way,didnt answer)that shes taking him there without us soon.yeah thats the lifeless body bit again.
I dunno what to say.yeah i do.
Next time your MIL says "I'd hate it if anyone thought I was interfering but" leap in and say "actually, you are being a bit interfering, maybe back off a tiny bit, I'd hate it if we fell out, wouldn't you?" with a head tilt and a sympathetic smile.
I'm probably being charitable here but let's suppose they genuinely want to share the pleasure in spending their money. After all, we all enjoy treating family and friends (when we are not skint <ahem>) don't we?
If she starts on the school thing again maybe you could try 'Ha ha thanks Edna, but perhaps you'd better save it for the uni/college fund instead?' or 'We're sure it's a great school so no need to spend your money, but he'd absolutely love to have tennis/swimming/polo lessons?' <improvise as necessary>
As for your BIL - couldn't she just send him the cost of the flights anyway? If the 'evil ex' lets him down he's still got the money to go, if not BIL can pay for a few dinners
and wine .
Yes she's from US but has lived here (not uk) for 20 years and here there's not much difference. I think it might have a little to do with that and dh excuses her behaviour by saying this but public school where we live is just as good.
She's a snob and wants to tell everyone how her gs is going to catholic school (seen as elite here)
LimitedEditionLady your post is so familiar to me, even down to wanting to dictate religion 'well how are WE going to organise his holy communion if WE don't send him to catholic school?'
For a while I thought I was being over sensitive too and she was just being nice but I can't stand it any more.
At the start she used to try and collude with me 'is that what dh is wearing? Maybe soon, we can go shopping for him and you can get him to throw those shirts out'
Ammm I have no say in what he wears
Justforlaughs, a family holiday in the Caribbean would have to involve them and apart from everything else they're just really boring company. Everything they've ever chosen is the best and imagine, some people have not taken their advice! Pull up a chair and let them regale you with the story of how the man down the road could've chosen tiles like theirs but didn't and.........it doesn't look as good!
They've been here 2 days and I've heard that story 3 times. They're not even old, late fifties.
Atthebottom, I really like your suggestion, going to try and use it. Do the distracted thing already a lot, I'm sure they think I'm a dope, or become really interested in what ds is doing. Putting laundry away takes me aaages, prob cos i sit on the bed and read instead.
Hi, just trying to work out if MIL is from the US too? The reason I ask is that I am currently living here and very few people, at least here in DC, would dream of sending their children to public schools, ie the government run ones, as they are so dire. (In fact, a heard a tramp yelling at a bus driver the other day and his insult was, well you must have gone to a DC public school!)
If this is the case, she may well be coming at it from the point of view that private means better, which wouldn't necessarily be the case in the UK.
Obviously, none of this excuses her ignoring your wishes and being a controlling idiot.
She sounds infuriating. How about loudly asking "I'm sitting right here why are you talking about me not to me?"
Onthebottom thats what i do and it is highly amusing!!
Omg,this is like my family!i dont know how to handle it either.ours is gil though.sometimes i think am i being stupid and is she just being nice and other times i think why is she like this grrrrr!i think in my case that shes brought the kids up and now doesnt know what to do so she wants to be needed when im the kind of person that wants to be independant and capable of doing things myself.its so hard cos i really want a good relationship but i want to have sone say in the relationship too.we have even had being told what religion our child should be.we are atheist and think child will decide what he believes.
If she says something to you while DH is not in the room (so that he doesn't realise what she is up to), act a bit distracted and don't answer her/change the subject.
Then when he comes back in, say "Oh your mum wanted to discuss XX with you" while smiling sweetly. She will realise you know what she is at, and hopefully won't try it again.
Tell her that you'd love to enjoy a family holiday in the Caribbean for a month, thank you very much!
As long as you stand together as a couple there is nothing that she can do, you only have a problem if your DH backs down and from what you say that isn't going to happen. So now you've vented go and have a cup of tea.
from someone who has had many a run in with the mil, but sadly hasn't had the benefit of any financial offers
thanks for replies, I'm trying hard to detach from it, the annoying thing she always talks a big talk about how she wants what's best for her sons and is in the lucky position that she can pay for things that'll make life better for them. She also says 'id hate if anyone thought I was interfering but I just want to see my sons enjoy their inheritance while I'm around'
I see it as trying to gain control and have a stake in decisions because she's paying towards it.
dh sees it as she cares so much that she 'sometimes' show too much interest and can't help herself from being generous.
every time we talk about something she wants to choose with us and pay, she even told me to let dh know if he gave up smoking she'd reward him with money. my reaction to that swiftly put her off.
Just keep reminding yourself that she isn't going to win. She can say what she likes but it won't change the fact that you have made your decision, as a couple and as parents and she won't get what she wants.
It must be doing her head in. Think on that and smile sweetly.
She just sounds like she's trying to control everyone. Do tell your DH as if he has any sense he will know and should say something. You should also both tell her it is your family not hers plus, make sure you aren't left alone with her. We make sure DS's don't go into the kitchen alone with mine ('something' always comes out on the way home about whatever she's trying to interfere/get round us on) and when she's in super negative/interfering mode DH knows not to leave my side whilst she is there.
Disclaimer: I hung up on my MIL last week so may not be best placed to advise. That said, seems to have improved her behaviour and FIL seems to have newfound respect for me (think he's glad someone told her what he doesn't have the guts to).
I wrote a few days ago about mil & sfilncoming to stay and beeding some detachment sentences, they want to pay for ds private school, we don't want him to gothere - no after school care among other things. they want to pay for private school and nanny so he gets to go there.
Out for dinner tonight and it came up, did the 'thanks for the offer but it's not right for us' a few times and tried to change the subject, didn't work. Sitting across from me, she turned to h 'well, what about buaitisi working full instead of part time, can she do that' I started answering obvs as it was about me, she interrupted me and started asking dh 'have you thought about that, getting buaitisi to work full time, that's a solution for you to think about'
I just started laughing and said 'you can ask me, I'm right here, the public school is right for us and ds'
I know I can't change her behaviour, just my response but she drives me up the wall and I need to vent.
Another thing that's annoying me - dh,d and I are going to my home country for 6 wks over xmas, fil (mil's exh) his wife and bil are going to meet us there for a week from US where they live. Bil is 40 odd and fil & smil have said they'll get his flights. All fine so far.
mil hears about this, decides to offer to pay for bil's flights as 'I can't really trust that my exh will come through for him' the trip had fuck all to do with her, she hasn't seen or spoken to fil in 20 years but she just has to control it.
'now, buaitisi will you give me the dates when you know and I can start pricing flights,keep me updated and who will pick bil up from the airport?'
of course, this is all when dh isn't around as he can't stand her talking about his dad or brother but if I say it to him he'll think I'm trying to make his mom look bad
sorry for the long long post, not really expecting replies jut an outlet for my annoyance.
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