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to ground my 14yo DS, even if he is telling the truth

(52 Posts)
Justforlaughs Fri 26-Apr-13 08:45:37

I'm a fairly relaxed parent (I hope) without going overboard on the "not caring", my DS2 spends quite a lot of time "hanging around" with his friends. We live in a small town, where there are loads of teenagers harmlessly "hanging around" in the parks and sports grounds, there is very little trouble (in 12 years I've never heard of any violence), no gangs etc, although there is certainly an element that is into drinking, drugs etc. My logic has always been that a) we are well known to everyone and I would hear about it if he was doing anything he shouldn't and b) that I would trust him unless he proved that I was wrong to do so. I know that 1 of his friends but until yesterday I would have sworn that DS wouldn't do so. Last night I was told by a friend that he was seen getting into a car and smoking. I wasn't aware that any of his friends was old enough to drive. He still swears that he doesn't smoke, that his friends do and he sits in the car while they do so. (Obviously there are dangers about passive smoking). AIBU to ground him for a while, at the same time as having a long chat about the company he keeps and passive smoking?

Justforlaughs Fri 26-Apr-13 11:02:25

I know this is drip feeding and didn't mean to apologetic emoticon but I feel recently like we're losing control of him. He's just given up rugby (which in and of itself isn't a big deal but seems part and parcel of his attitude), he isn't working well in school, homework and coursework are suffering, he's stroppy (yes, he's a teenager), he's tired, there are rumours (nothing concrete) that some of his friends are smoking more than tobacco, I know a lot of them drink (although he denies that he does and I've got no reason to disbelieve him). I suppose he's just growing up and I want to keep him a little boy for a bit longer, where I know where he is and what he is doing.

Is it possible your friend saw him in a car with smokers and assumed he was doing so too, without actually having seen him actually smoking?

Or that he was holding someone else's cigarette, it sound far fetched but I never smoked at all until after I'd left school at 17 but I was probably often seen holding cigarettes at school as people would hand them to me to mind whilst they dashed to the tuck shop during break... I was the safest person to ask because as the only non smoker I was unlikely to steal a few drags while they were gone wink

I also often bought cigarettes for smokers as I could easily pass for 18 so wouldn't be IDed.

mrsjay Fri 26-Apr-13 11:05:34

see you didn't say that <wags finger> I think this is much bigger than smoking isn't it I think you need to have a word about his behaviour in general and not put everything down to him being a teenager, you need to try an d rein him in a wee bit and try and sort his school and whatnot out nobody likes to think of their children doing wrong but sometimes we need to accept something is up and try and fix it smile

Justforlaughs Fri 26-Apr-13 11:15:56

Haha, I've just been made extremely guilty (for all of 30 seconds) for my last post because I've had a postcard from the school praising his work and effort in maths. That lasted until I opened the letter from geography, where he has been put on report!
Thanks for the advice mrsjay I think the smoking issue felt like the last straw and maybe got blown up out of proportion. Also making me feel that if he was lying about that, what else might he be hiding.

WTFisABooyhooISBooyhoo Fri 26-Apr-13 11:16:03

ok, in light of recent post, grounding wont solve anything at all here.

you need to have a serious chat with him, tell him straight that the changes in his behaviour and attitude haven't gone unnoticed and that you wont be tolerating it. give him the chance to open up and talk to you, he might be worried about something or hiding something. tell him that you are absoloutely there for him no matter what the problem is (if any) and taht you will help him through it but that he is also a 14 year old boy and as his mum you have a duty to make sure he's not sending himself down a dangerous path. come to an agreement that thing sneed to get back to normal and agree on what you want to happen. give him targets (grades improved by X date, behaviour/attitude turned around right away etc) and give him consequences for when that hasn't happened by X date.

EllieArroway Fri 26-Apr-13 11:19:35

I can't pretend that I know what's going on with your DS, but try not to despair TOO much. Annoying as it is, 14 or so does seem to be the age at which we feel like they are slipping out of our control and we don't know them any more. "Where's the little lad that used to cuddle me and did almost everything I asked?"

My DS is 16.5 - and when he was 14, Id gotten to the point where I had moments of actively disliking him. I hate myself for admitting that, because I never stopped loving him - but "like" was a different matter. Overnight he became rude, argued about everything, stopped doing any homework at all, swore at teachers, told me he hated me continually, emotionally manipulated me...the list is endless. Even getting him up for school was such a hassle I'd start my day in tears. It was a bloody nightmare, quite honestly - and I, of course, blamed myself for everything.

But he got over it simply by growing up a bit and he is a different person today.

Example: One of his GCSEs is IT. Soon after starting the course he decided he hated it, hated the teacher and wasn't going to bother doing any work for it. So he didn't. None. Nothing I, or his IT teacher could say made the slightest bit of difference - no punishment worked, no threat. "It's my life, I'll do what I want". This went on for 18 months. I, and his teacher, assumed he'd get a U grade.

About 6 weeks ago, his IT teacher took the whole class aside one by one to talk to them about what they could do to up their grades in preparation for the final exams. To my DS he said, "Well, we're looking at a U currently. If you do some work now, we might get that up to an E, or possibly a D".

"OK" says my DS. He went in every day after school for 2 weeks and worked solidly with the IT teacher. He's now expected to get an A. IT teacher bought him a bag of Haribo (smile) and has used him as an example of what can be achieved.

I'm not just trying to stealth boast not too much, but just trying to reassure you that teenagers can, and often do, leave us despairing. But more often than not, it comes right in the end. They just need to grow up a bit.

My DS today is unrecognisable from the person he was just two years ago. So hang in there - loving, consistent parenting does make all the difference, it just might take a while to see the results. But you will smile

Justforlaughs Fri 26-Apr-13 11:25:15

Thank you Ellie, I'm really glad that your DS has "come good". Maybe there is light at the end of the tunnel

mrsjay Fri 26-Apr-13 11:26:29

I can't pretend that I know what's going on with your DS, but try not to despair TOO much. Annoying as it is, 14 or so does seem to be the age at which we feel like they are slipping out of our control and we don't know them any more. "Where's the little lad that used to cuddle me and did almost everything I asked?"

^ ^ i agree with this 14 is a weird age for a child to be dd1 was impossible at 14 i swear that is when i got my first grey hair dd2 is 15 and she seems to be a late bloomer but the storm is brewing I can feel it in my water

iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii Fri 26-Apr-13 12:03:21

Good post by ellie and ^ very true. They can and do mature.

mrsjay Fri 26-Apr-13 12:09:03

They can and do mature

yes they do but they also need guidance not all behaviour can be brushed off as normal teen behaviour OP im not suggesting that is what you are doing just sometimes it is brushed off and nothing is done till it is too late

shewhowines Fri 26-Apr-13 12:10:47

He will try it but keep the lines of communication open and let him know that you do trust him and will be very disappointed if he is smoking on a regular basis. To be honest if he's innocent and you ground him, that could do untold damage to your relationship and if he's guilty, he will feel bad at letting you down which is a far better consequence than actually grounding him.

EllieArroway Fri 26-Apr-13 12:32:48

No, "brushing it off as normal teen behaviour" is not a good idea - bad behaviour is bad behaviour, full stop. But it's worth noting, as a parent, that this kind of thing doesn't necessarily mean they've gone off the rails for good (which is what we worry when we're going through it with them, if we do) - certainly doesn't mean they should be let off because, oh well, that's what teens do. That is really not the point. If someone had said to me "Your DS swore at you? Oh well, that's what teens do" I'd have sworn at them!

Keep doing what you're doing OP - there IS light at the end of the tunnel. It's just very, very dim right now smile

mrsjay Fri 26-Apr-13 12:34:36

no eliie of course it doesn't mean they have gone off the rails and yes at times it seems bloody hopeless with them

EllieArroway Fri 26-Apr-13 12:37:05

It does, doesn't it, MrsJ? At least we can look forward to them going through this stuff with their own teens and walk around with knowing looks on our faces wink

mrsjay Fri 26-Apr-13 12:38:22

DD1 said to be i wasn't a pain in the bum with a black cloud over me I was being mysterious grin

BackforGood Fri 26-Apr-13 12:51:47

I don't thik grounding him for something he might not have even done is going to help. I'd just continue to keep the conversation open about what he thinks of smoking - the cost and what else that money could be spent on, the smell and how horrible it is to other people, are probably better arguments than the health links at this age.
I would hoever, be more concerned about the 'hanging around aimlessly', particularly with older lads, and lads with cars tbh. That's much more likely to lead to stuff you don't want him involved in, IMO
(Yes, I have 2 teens - a 16yr old ds and a 14yr old dd)

GladbagsGold Fri 26-Apr-13 13:00:05

Ground him for being on report in geography... Its something you know for a fact, but still takes him out of the smokers environment for a bit, giving you chance to talk/listen perhaps.

pigsDOfly Fri 26-Apr-13 13:13:49

Agree with the 'don't ground' camp, especially if you don't actually know if he's done anything wrong.

I never grounded my now grown up kids - it was just becoming the punishment of choice when my kids were your DS's age - mainly because I wasn't sure if I would stick it out as I think it's very prone to breed resentment rather than leading to better communication, which is what you really want.

All these things you're describing are rites of passage for teenage boys and as hard as it is, sometimes we just have to hold our breath and hope for the best but keep letting our children know (a) we're not stupid and know what they're up to and (b) we're always willing to listen. Keep talking to him. A light hand achieves far more IMO.

A school friend of one of my children was grounded for 5 weeks by his mother for smoking (first offence as far as I know). Later when the parents divorced he went to live with the father, who was also a smoker, and just went on smoking along with his father.

NotYoMomma Fri 26-Apr-13 13:45:17

My dad gave me my first cigarette when I was young so I could see how awful it was.

I spluttered and coughed and told him how awful it was and I didn't understand how people could do it and STINK!!!

He was relieved

... I'd actually already tried it two years prior

chocoluvva Fri 26-Apr-13 14:26:05

My 14YO DS does quite a bit of 'hanging out' with friends now too. Hmmm.

I'd let your DS know that he's been spotted smoking and just make one matter-of-fact comment about it being a shame. I wouldn't make a big deal of it (actually, I'd be really disappointed). You don't want to make his illicit activities more appealing to him IYSWIM

Is there anything he would like to do to keep out of mischief ?
Duke of Edinburgh, Golf, Skateboarding, Gym?

piprabbit Fri 26-Apr-13 14:33:33

Smoking is a concern for me, but one I think we'll be able to manage should it crop up.
However, teens is cars is a huge fear for me. There seem to be so many accidents where newly qualified teens kill and maim themselves and a carload of friends.

Justforlaughs Fri 26-Apr-13 14:34:15

He was coming out of the gym when he was spotted -- can you tell me why I would pay for him to go there if he's going to smoke?-- He's just dropped rugby (after a misunderstanding with the coach but DS won't talk about it) after 6 years and he says that he doesn't want to do anything else. Feel like I'm batting my head against a brick wall atm

OhLori Fri 26-Apr-13 14:42:40

My sons only 10, it might be better if you had response from parents with boys of a similar age?

However, I think you need to trust your instincts on this, if you have wider, more subtle concerns e.g. about where he is at generally. I think you also need possibly to lay down the law!!! However, he is 14 and on the way to adulthood!!! So its not an easy combination in many ways. Feel for you.

OhLori Fri 26-Apr-13 14:45:16

Agree with Chocco about not making a huge deal of it. I am a most non-liberal parent in many respects, but shaming a teenager for doing something like this I would be wary of. I think I would be a little more concerned about the wider picture, and hope he finds his own way, which at 14 he is probably starting to do ...

chocoluvva Fri 26-Apr-13 14:45:56

Would he be agreeable to having his mates round at yours?

Sorry, for not having any better suggestions.

Paper round?

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