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to have my own family?

(141 Posts)
cryhavocandletslipthedogsofwar Thu 25-Apr-13 22:05:57

Hello smile I'm at a point where I thought I'd be married with at least one child by now but I just haven't met a man!

I'm devestated at the thought of not having a family of my own and have considered adoption but wouldn't get through the vetting process due to the fact that I can't reduce hours at work and so I would have to continue working full time.

A lesbian couple I am aquainted with explained to me that single women sometimes access clinics for sperm donation and it's something I have considered for myself. I made an appointment at a private clinic following an open day to explore my options and I have the money saved and it seems possible, and I am just wondering what others think. I feel so very ready to have a baby and would be so unhappy if I never got this opportunity but I am scared by what others may think and the step of having a child alone! But, I can't imagine not having children.

Any thoughts ... ?

Pigsmummy Sat 27-Apr-13 21:25:12

I married at 37 and have 6 month old DD. Was single at 34. I will go back to work when baby is 11 months old. I have friends who are single parents. I would suggest that you give yourself a year of not planning anything/take the pressure off yourself and decide then. If you want a child then make it happen but give yourself some down time first.

MumOfTheMoos Sat 27-Apr-13 20:47:43

Go for it.

I was in a very similar position to you at your age but actually decided that finding a partner was more important to me.

I found him aged 36, married at 38 and started ttc - eventually did on first cycle of IVF aged 40.

Now I have my incredible DS and I feel that I've been sooo lucky.

With the benefit of hindsight, if I had thought (like you do) that I wasn't going to meet someone I would never have risked my fertility like I did. Obviously, it worked out ok for me and I'm very glad to have met my DH and had my DS with him but as none of us know what is going to happen, all we have is what we can control and you can control this, at your age, with donor sperm.

Go for it - having children is fab and if you really want it then go for it.

iusedtobefun2 Sat 27-Apr-13 20:44:42

another one here who has had a child with donor sperm.

TBH I didn't find the first few weeks that difficult. I just had to think of the two of us and the dog. Everyone and every baby is different.

What I do find more difficult is getting time off work when DD is ill.
You need a sympathetic boss or be creative with regards to working from home/starting your own business or something!

Good luck and go for it. Seems like you've really thought this through.
Oh and I had DD by IUI. If you have no heath issues surely it's worth a go?

BonaDea Sat 27-Apr-13 20:35:04

Yanbu and if you have really thought it all through, financially, emotionally etc go for it. Also think about what impact pregnancy and small baby will have on your ability to then meet someone.

How about giving yourself another year or two to meet someone? Be really pro active - Internet dating, new hobbies the lot.

As a first time mother to a 5 week old, I cannot begin to tell you how gruelling these first few weeks have been and there have been two of us, plus help from mums. If you do this make sure you have adequate support - even if it means paid help in the form of a cleaner etc.

Good luck

quizzywizz Sat 27-Apr-13 20:06:29

That is something that I have been thinking of but don't think it would be for me.

I always imagined I would be married with a couple of children by now. I have been crazy broody for years now! The idea that I might never have a baby hurts a lot. At the same time I don't think that sex outside of marriage is right for me. Not sure where artificial insemination falls in my moral code though. Probably more acceptable the older I get.

That empty armed ache that hits right in your stomach and makes you catch your breath when you see a baby is tough.

sweetkitty Sat 27-Apr-13 19:15:35

YANBU you only get one shot at life and in your position I would do the same thing.

I would give yourself a year, research it to death, costs, implications, maternity package, everything financial and if your still up for it go for it.

I wish you the best of luck grin

Samnella Sat 27-Apr-13 18:59:34

YANBU to want a family and if I were in the same situation I would do the same. I would add I think you need to go in this with your eyes wide open and find out what single parenthood involves. Parenthood is tough and relentless but also wonderful.

I wouldn't be so concerned about what others think (I am curious that you asked for our thoughts), It doesnt matter what we think, its what is right for you that counts.

Cloverer Sat 27-Apr-13 18:23:24

I also know of women who have met the right man in their mid-thirties, but by the time they were ready to have a child together fertility was against them.

Have the baby now, you can still meet the right man later.

GoshAnneGorilla Sat 27-Apr-13 18:13:10

TTT as has already been mentioned upthread, sperm donation is no longer anonymous in the UK and the men who donate their sperm are aware of this. So if the O.P's future child wants to find out where the other half of their genes comes from, they will be able to.

I also wanted to add, I know two women who wanted children and were considering donor sperm, but for various reasons, left it too late. I absolutely don't blame O.P for not wanting to hang around.

flossieraptor Sat 27-Apr-13 15:56:54

Kew I adopted a 12 year old and had a baby the same year grin

ImagineJL Sat 27-Apr-13 14:11:42

Teen I'm guessing you have a husband and never faced this situation. You may feel differently if your situation was different. A mile in someone else's shoes and all that.

Sheshelob Sat 27-Apr-13 13:58:03

TTTT - I think you are being old fashioned. I don't think OP smacks of me, me, me. It is about us, us, us. And she wants to be part of an 'us'. And I think she has a right to want that. We all come from families so it makes sense that it is something a lot of people want. And the fact that OP has lost her parents makes even more sense that it is something she wants. But why settle for a duff bloke to realise that dream? Obviously if the right man comes along, then that would be wonderful for OP. But if he doesn't, does that mean that she should face a lifetime alone? I don't think so.

My mum was alone with four kids for about 5 years. It was much happier than when she was with my shithead father. It was the 80s and we weren't teased or made to feel like it was a disadvantage. I can't believe anyone in this day an age would have a problem with it.

OP - I would echo the counselling thing. Children, I have found, can reflect the things we struggle with in our own personalities, so to have a good handle on that will just be another good tool in your parenting.

Good luck. Going it alone is going to be hard. But it it is also going to be amazing.

Kewcumber Sat 27-Apr-13 13:40:56

I had the selfish gene beaten out of me by the time I'd adopted.

When asked (about 6 years after making the initial decision) I was asked by sw whether I wanted to adopt a girl or a boy I said "whatever comes first, in fact I'd consider a puppy I'm so desperate".

She thought I was joking so a I grimaced grinned.

PacificDogwood Sat 27-Apr-13 13:24:27

Oh gawd, yes, the desire for an 'own' child is intrinsically selfish - 'tis what The Selfish Gene demands grin. I'd've considered adoption after several MC, but DH would not contemplate the idea <<shrugs>>.

I think I need to stop overthinking this on the behalf of the OP grin.

PS: To halt population growth in its tracks, anyone of mine, aged 1-3 would have worked btw. I am in denial re teenagerhood .

Kewcumber Sat 27-Apr-13 13:20:51

and of course I don't need a man, I'm a 48 year old healthy educated woman who can earn a living. Do I want one? Yes I wouldn't mind. But I don't have one just now and I had to choose to wait for the man or the baby, I chose to wait for the man and have the baby whist I was waiting. As I say to DS - its important to wait for the right one because a rubbish Dad is worse than no Dad.

Kewcumber Sat 27-Apr-13 13:18:11

a child of donor sperm in the UK will have the right to know both parents.

Yes of course you need to consider the added problems it may bring for a child having an absent father. But parents make selfish decisions all the time. They make the decision to split up when its in their best interests not their child, when they are short of money or patience and what motive does anyone have for having a child except selfish ones?

Almost everyone has a child because They want one not because they hope the world will be a better place as a result . There is no earthly reason in this country for having a child in fact its only going to add more pressure on the scarce resources of the planet and unless you have some special genetic quality there's really no need to perpetuate more average genes - if you or DH discovered a cure for something nasty and there's a chance your child may I will retract that comment.

Everyone should do the selfless thing and adopt.

You are all selfish, I am saintly unselfish.

TeenTwinsToddlerandTiaras Sat 27-Apr-13 13:07:09

Sorry but I have a different perspective than most. Of course you have a right, OP, to have a child in what ever way you see fit but any child you choose to create also has a right to know both people of which they were created and share DNA, mannerisms, etc. To deliberately bring a baby into the world without that right smacks to me of selfishness and a me, me, me attitude.

Call me old-fashioned but I really do not get this 'I want a baby but don't want or need a man' stuff. Consideration should also be given to how the potential child will feel when it is old enough to realise it never has had or will have a 'father'.

juneybean Sat 27-Apr-13 12:50:00

But if you want to have a baby it doesn't matter if you're 22 or 42, have a baby.

I don't understand this "you could still meet someone"

What if she doesn't want to meet someone? confused

Kewcumber Sat 27-Apr-13 12:46:13

to be fair if I was genuinely planning to end the human race I would have suggested fostering a 13 yr old. Just a cunning plan to slow population growth down.

PacificDogwood Sat 27-Apr-13 12:11:58

"Anyone who wants to have a baby has to foster a 4 year old first."

I actually think, that is a genius idea.
And would solve the problem of world overpopulation too.

LondonMan Sat 27-Apr-13 11:58:24

TheProw, is 35 the magic cut off point for women being good parents??

I know this has been answered already, but I agree that fertility declines fast and that it would be a gamble to wait.

DW began trying at 33, began fertility at 36, finally succeeded at 44, with the aid of egg donation abroad.

With hindsight I would have done less UK IVF. They (NHS) told us their success rate was 38%. They should have told us that the age-related rate of success was (from memoery) only something like 12% once you hit 40. Considering the financial and emotional cost of each cycle, and the years lost, we should have gone for egg donation much sooner.

hackmum Sat 27-Apr-13 11:37:23

If you really want to do it, then you should probably do it. But be aware of what you're letting yourself in for: being a parent is immensely hard work, and being a single parent with no support is very stressful indeed. Think about work: your child is sick, and has to be home from school. Who's going to look after it? Or when you're ill, and you just want to stay in bed, but you have an active toddler who can't be left - you just have to get on with it even while feeling you can't stand up. Be prepared, too, for not doing as well at work as you might want and putting your social life on hold for several years.

But of course having a child is rarely about making a rational decision - most of us do it simply because we follow our hearts, not our heads. And there are many wonderful things about being a parent. So I think you will end up doing it anyway.

flossieraptor Sat 27-Apr-13 11:36:21

Anyone who wants to have a baby has to foster a 4 year old first

Are you plotting to end the human race grin

Kewcumber Sat 27-Apr-13 11:19:09

Timetoask - sorry but fostering as a trial run for having your own is a terrible idea. Fostering is nothing like having your own children and would you suggest this for all prospective parents?

mind you it could be a solution to the shortage of foster carers. Anyone who wants to have a baby has to foster a 4 year old first.

Kewcumber Sat 27-Apr-13 11:14:10

Being willing to "sacrifice" your freedom is an issue that every parent has to consider it isn't something that is specific to single parents. In fact from my experience planned single mothers over 35 seem to have the least problem with giving up their previous life.

I was european finance director for a multinational ad agency travelled around the world first/business class and hundreds of people listened to what I had to say with awe and respect now I am a part time self employed accountant with no disposable income and I spent Easter in a caravan in the snow.

DO I regret it?

Not one tiny bit

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