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to have my own family?

(141 Posts)
cryhavocandletslipthedogsofwar Thu 25-Apr-13 22:05:57

Hello smile I'm at a point where I thought I'd be married with at least one child by now but I just haven't met a man!

I'm devestated at the thought of not having a family of my own and have considered adoption but wouldn't get through the vetting process due to the fact that I can't reduce hours at work and so I would have to continue working full time.

A lesbian couple I am aquainted with explained to me that single women sometimes access clinics for sperm donation and it's something I have considered for myself. I made an appointment at a private clinic following an open day to explore my options and I have the money saved and it seems possible, and I am just wondering what others think. I feel so very ready to have a baby and would be so unhappy if I never got this opportunity but I am scared by what others may think and the step of having a child alone! But, I can't imagine not having children.

Any thoughts ... ?

StuffezLaYoni Thu 25-Apr-13 22:44:30

No, I'm sorry actually, you didn't come across rude - I've re read a bit more carefully. Just please don't write your prospects of meeting a man off too quickly.
I really hope you find someone to have a family with and if not, hope you can make this work.

PacificDogwood Thu 25-Apr-13 22:44:35

Criteria for adoption vary from agency to agency AFAIK.

There is no arguing with biology, fertility does decline with age. But equally the OP is of an age where it is not really a concern yet. And it only has to work once...

cry, I don't feel I can really advise you as I have not felt broody once in my life, yet was lucky enough to end up with the size family I always hoped for, even at my geriatric age.
It sounds like you have considered your options carefully and have a fair bit of information. Bear in mind that babies turn into toddlers who turn into children, then teenagers, then adults. The baby phase is the shortest, so don't do it if you feel the need to nurture an infant alone.

SomethingOnce Thu 25-Apr-13 22:44:43

Its not it's

Cloverer Thu 25-Apr-13 22:45:14

It's hard being a single parent, especially with no family support.

However you could meet the perfect man, have a baby - and then he dies or leaves you or turns out to be a total bastard who wants to ruin your life.

I think it is better to be a single parent by choice, than be constantly let down and messed about by a rubbish man who should be supporting you/your child.

TheProw Thu 25-Apr-13 22:45:51

No no not at all Stuffez!! It's the point at which fertility dramatically declines in human females. My husband researches human fertility and the graphs don't look great after 35, fertility really drops dramatically after this point. It's a fact of life. If having a baby is what you really want more than anything, you should do it before it's too late.

NorksAreMessy Thu 25-Apr-13 22:47:53

The shock was at the rude response to someone offering support. And then you were rude to me too.


PacificDogwood Thu 25-Apr-13 22:48:14

SomethingOnce, the average age of menopause in Britain is between 51 and 52. Fertility declines gradually, as fas as biology goes, we should all have our babies in our late teens/early twenties.
Fertility does drop after 35, but that does not equal infertility.

cryhavocandletslipthedogsofwar Thu 25-Apr-13 22:48:15

Stuffetz, thank you, I genuinely didn't want to be rude or get anybody's back up so sorry again, I honestly "said" that message so nicely and politely in my head! smile

Pacific thank you; I don't feel the need to nurture an infant, I am aware babies grow!

I'm not so convinced that my age is not a concern actually, looking at the statistics from the fertility clinics it would appear that actually age is a concern and that the longer it is left the less chance it has of working. Perhaps in different circumstances, if I did think I would meet somebody I wanted to spend my life with, it would be worth hanging on but I don't, so it doesn't.

cryhavocandletslipthedogsofwar Thu 25-Apr-13 22:49:55

Norks, really? I apologise again if I was rude, but I don't know where I was, I just really didn't want to be told where I was going wrong dating-wise from somebody who doesn't know me? As it was, NONE of that post was actually applicable, and surely I can point this out? I didn't swear or become personal or abusive!

Cloverer Thu 25-Apr-13 22:50:18

For goodness sake Norks, the OP was not rude to you!

ImagineJL Thu 25-Apr-13 22:50:39

I am a single parent with two children conceived by IVF using donor sperm.

I had met Mr Right, or so I thought, until he announced that he didn't want kids, ever. It was a deal breaker for me, and him too.

I was 36, and really not in the right mind set at the time to find a new partner. However, I knew I didn't have the luxury of time, and I was very ready to have kids.

It cost a lot of money and took many attempts, and it was unbelievably stressful, balancing treatment with work, and dealing with the many disappointments along the way.

When DS1 was 2, I had turned 40, and of course hadn't had time or opportunity to meet a partner, but I wanted another child, so I had more treatment.

I now have two boys, and I don't regret any of it. Having them was the best thing I ever did.

I live in a small village where everyone knows everyone else's business, but I haven't felt judged or criticised. People may think its weird, and may even snigger behind my back, but I have many good friends, and people round here are always ready and willing to help out if I need it.

In an ideal world I'd have had a conventional family, but time ran out for me, so I grabbed my only chance of motherhood.

Being a single parent is hard, and I know I have a rocky road to travel when the boys are older and may get teased etc, but actually I think there are many good things about their lives. I went through so much to have them, I adore them and devote all the time I'm not working to them. We are a very happy family.

You are younger than I was so you don't need to give up on "the dream" just yet, but I hope my story shows there are other options.

TheProw Thu 25-Apr-13 22:51:20

Fertility does NOT decline gradually. There is a very sharp decline after 35, as horrible and as unfair as that is.

PacificDogwood Thu 25-Apr-13 22:51:22

Of course age is important, but it is not the only factor.
My mum still goes on about how old I was to have children (this is after she had given up ever having GCs) and my only response to that is 'Well, should I not have bothered after a certain age then?' wink.

You go for it: you've done your 'homework', it sounds like you can afford treatment and then supporting yourself and LO and in reality, nothing can really prepare you for parenthood.

Good luck!

MadBusLady Thu 25-Apr-13 22:52:58

As I understand it these figures are averages. Some women are going to be still very fertile at 40, others will have problems by 30, some may start to decline bang on the 35 midpoint. You can't really second-guess it until you try.

What I gather IS a legitimate concern is that if you do turn out to have fertility problems, the younger you are the more things they can try for you.

PacificDogwood Thu 25-Apr-13 22:53:53

TheProw, yes, the sudden decline after 35 does happen, but I still maintain it's an accelerated decline, not stopping of all chance of conceiving IYKWIM.

If the OP has IUI with donor semen she will be closely monitored to ensure optimum circumstances for fertilisation and hopefully implantation.

TheProw Thu 25-Apr-13 22:54:41

I wish you the very best of luck OP. x

Yika Thu 25-Apr-13 22:55:33

I don't have personal experience of this but do know a few women who've been down this route and had children on their own - either by adoption (i can think of two) or sperm donor (I know 3). It's not so unusual these days and I think people are more accepting of different family arrangements.

I'm also a single mother - my DD was born after quite a short (1 year) relationship that didn't work out.

Two thoughts on your situation: if having children is very important to you, then try your very best to make it happen, by whatever means. I felt very unfulfilled before having my DD and becoming a mother has changed my life dramatically for the better. It might (only might) make it harder to meet someone (I'm very tired a lot of the time - Its hard managing a job and a child on your own and still trying to have a social life). Consequently I think I'd wait another couple of years if I were you and see if your situation changes. You do still have time in your side.

cryhavocandletslipthedogsofwar Thu 25-Apr-13 22:55:38

Thank you. Imagine, what a lovely story. Did you have IVF?

TheProw, the literature I have read certainly indicates this is the case. Additionally, if (ha!) I was to ultimately want to have more than one child, which in an ideal world I would like to, I would really need to start in the next few months because of course of age.

I really am nothing like those awful chick-lit heroines, I just haven't been fortunate enough to meet somebody I care about and who cares about me and these days, if I do meet somebody I think I could care about I generally find that they are married. I realise there are sometimes a flurry of divorces in the thirties (apparently) however equally I am not really prepared to hedge my bets on it - having children is far more important to me than meeting someone I want to marry, I think.

McNewPants2013 Thu 25-Apr-13 22:55:51

I think it's poor advice to recommend having unprotected sex with a complete stranger, a sperm donor with be screened for sti ect.

Op I would go for it

DeepRedBetty Thu 25-Apr-13 22:57:19

Before thread derails... glad the link was helpful OP.

TheProw Thu 25-Apr-13 22:57:26

Pacific 100% agree with you

BlameItOnTheBogey Thu 25-Apr-13 23:00:22

OP I have a very close friend who did exactly what you are planning. It was tough for her at times (as having a baby is for everyone regardless of their circumstances) but her son is now about 13 and she is thrilled that she went ahead. They are super close and she wouldn't be without him. As it turns out, she hasn't met anyone that she would want to start a family with and she is now late forties, so she views the choice she made as an extremely smart one.

I think it takes real courage to do this because, as you have seen here, there's a degree of disbelief around it. But if you really want children then I think you should find the courage and do it.

Good luck.

cryhavocandletslipthedogsofwar Thu 25-Apr-13 23:01:47

Thank you!

I would never want to have sex with a stranger, so certainly not going down that route.

Thank you DeepRedBetty smile

KittenCamile Thu 25-Apr-13 23:05:43

I say go for it. I'm 32 and have been ttc for 7 months, I'm terrified if it doesn't happen soon any chances of having two will be gone so I say, if you know in your heart its what you want and you can afford it then do it.

DSD get shipped from CM to DM to DF and because of this I think if you have one strong, loving consistant parent you can have an amazing family.

Familys come in all shapes and sizes now!

Good luck

Kewcumber Thu 25-Apr-13 23:06:02

I gave myself a deadline of 35 to decide whether to "go it alone" after a long term relationship crashed and burned. Mind you I had known fertility problems so I knew I didn't have the luxury to waiting.

Just as well I didn't wait because at the point I was referred for fertility treatment I was diagnosed with abnormal cells and needed a cone biopsy, which delayed everything, then had fibroids which needed removing then had IUI which failed then had 3 horrendous rounds of IVF which all failed then finally brought (adopted) DS home when I was 41.

So it took 6 years, LOTS of determination and a certain amount of pigheadedness.

I have good support form my mum who is local but I know other singles who have no family support at all and it is possible though be prepared for it to be much harder than you anticipated.

If your fertility id good (though I'm not sure how you would know this!) then you probably have a couple of years more to think about it but frankly based on my experience I'd be wary of leaving it too late. For every woman that touted around as having had a child over 43, there's probably another 20 who haven't but don't talk about it.

Meeting a man and settling down isn't mutually exclusive with having childrne but it is harder because you don;t have the energy you used to.

My bigger concern is that you seem worried about what people will think of you. I can't imagine going through what I did if I hadn't reached the point where I really couldn't give a flying fish about what people thought of me - my need for a family really had to be totally focussed in order to push me through some of the hurdles. I nearly gave up at several stages.

So glad I didn't.

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