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In Denial

(13 Posts)
Puppypal Thu 25-Apr-13 15:20:48

A new girl started in my DD's class in November. We have invited her home, had sleepovers, taken her out all to help her integrate into the class. And she is lovely but, comes with baggage:
She has a 14 year old sister. The mother wanted them to have singing lessons like my daughter so I asked her teacher and she has agreed to extend her teaching hours & take them on a Friday after my DD. Then I was asked if I could take them? Why not when we are all heading in the same direction. Then could I bring them home - so I have duly waited an hour on top of my DD's lesson and brought them home. And when their mother was running late (again) put potatoes in the oven and fed them. Meanwhile the eldest daughter proved challenging - she's often late out of school - ten, fifteen even 20 minutes, goes home on the bus when she feels like it - has no mobile - this involves me and a friend trailing round and frantically trying to trace her while mum doesn't check her mobile 'til after work! She doesn't speak unless spoken to, makes no eye contact, plays constantly with the label of her blazer, refuses to be touched, won't say sorry, her behaiviour could be described as rude and she is uncomfortable in groups. And her word is law. To me this all points to the possibility of autism. I am annoyed with her mother for not mentioning that I might find her challenging at times. Plus this week I had to tell her off for trying to open the car door when we driving along! The mother has now said not to have any contact with the eldest daughter whilst I am domineering and vindictive (I told her off whilst travelling st 50mph). I feel bad whilst DD and youngest child are great friends. I have no idea how it will pan out - but, feel hurt and used.

NoSuchFairytale Thu 25-Apr-13 15:37:36

From your post it sounds like you've been parenting these kids instead of their mum. How on earth are you vindictive when you've taken them to and from a singing lesson. And waited a full extra hour over for them. What an ungrateful cow.

CocacolaMum Thu 25-Apr-13 15:48:17

suggest that she take ALL of the kids to singing lessons every other week - if she doesn't want to then don't take hers anymore.

Itchy scratchy backs as my dad would say.. if she is not pulling her weight then sod her - your child will make other friends if it becomes an issue

Walkacrossthesand Thu 25-Apr-13 15:53:26

Eh? How are you supposed to 'not have any contact with eldest daughter' while you're giving lift to & from singing lesson?! I do hope you've been able to pull out of the singing lesson lift arrangement..

WilsonFrickett Thu 25-Apr-13 17:09:21

Hang on a minute. Your post is all about you being put in a shitty situation wrt ferrying lots of children including a rude teen to singing lessons, yet your title and one detail of your post seems to suggest the mum is in denial that her daughter has autism. Please tell me you haven't suggested this to the mum as a reason for her daughter's challenging behaviour? Because if you have, I can understand why she may have called you domineering and vindictive, tbh.

The teen is behaving appallingly.
You shouldn't have to deal with it.
You should suggest to the other mum that you split singing lesson duty (if you're still speaking)
You should tell the mum that you're not comfortable driving the elder daughter given she tried to open a door while driving.
But you should not conflate this behaviour with autism, or tell the other mother she's in denial that her DD has autism. Because that will not end well.

Puppypal Thu 25-Apr-13 17:12:56

Thank you people. Began to wonder if I was over reacting! And as a MumsNet newby I am also heartened.

Have told mother I cannot taxi for this week and it might be wise to make other arrangements. When I suggested she request a different evening for singing so I need have no contact with her eldest, she spat back that I was showing just how vindictive I really am! But, I gave her the choice!!

If only she has mentioned that her eldest daughter requires a little more patience... I can't help but, feel the mother is not helping this child. Pushing everyone away, blaming everyone else and allowing the child to do what she wants, how she wants, is creating a monster.

thebody Thu 25-Apr-13 17:19:01

I suggest that this teen has been shoved off on any willing mum all her life because her lazy bitch of a mother is a user.

Met her type of mother many times and I feel sorry for her teen.

It's hard being 14? Surely you and other posters remember?

Tell her to parent her own children and step back.

The teen isn't autistic she's neglected and possibly unwanted.

Puppypal Thu 25-Apr-13 17:21:14

Perhaps I did not explain myself well. I have a live-in autistic brother-in-law. He's just hit 60 and life can be a challenge but, we get through.

The signs are there with this teen and having listened adfinitum to the teen's mother how the child has no friends, never been for a sleepover with classmates, has no one to share homework notes with, how obsessive she is about what she eats and where it's place on the plate I think I am entitled to suggest the mum, a scientist, that she looks at little more closely at her daughter - especially when putting this child in someone elses care for several hours.

WilsonFrickett Thu 25-Apr-13 17:24:20

Nope, you're not 'entitled' to suggest this, sorry. Even though you may be right (and I don't think you are, autism presents very differently in girls), you still have no right or entitlement to say this to the mother. FWIW I think thebody is closer to the truth.

But none of that ^^ negates my points that you shouldn't be having to do so much running around for the mother who does sound like a user.

thebody Thu 25-Apr-13 18:23:39

As Wilson days no you are not entitled to day this to her mother.

Poor kid.

Step back op, user alert!

fanjoforthemammaries7850 Thu 25-Apr-13 18:27:02

Not the kindest thread I have ever read.

toomuchtoask Thu 25-Apr-13 19:00:01

That poor girl. She sounds very muddled up. Poor thing. Sounds like she needs some love and care.

Chiggers Thu 25-Apr-13 19:13:06

Two things are screaming at me about this teen and those 2 things are hurt and control.

She may be hurt because she may not be getting the time/attention from her mum, so she may be stopping people getting close to her, by coming across as rude, to avoid being hurt by anyone else.

The obsession with the food may just be her way of asserting some kind of control over her life, considering she may feel that she doesn't have any control over other aspects of her life.

Just a couple of observations that brings me back to my own teenage years <<shrugs>>

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