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I can't cope with my new grandson's name

(118 Posts)
BellydanceMary Thu 25-Apr-13 13:01:49

Today is my daughters 28th birthday so i'm full of happy memories of her birth. However last week she gave birth to her own son who she has named after her father. After many years of being a single parent and remaining reasonably amicable with her father I find myself overwhelmed by feelings of rejection. The whole of my parenting is in question.

My reasonable head says get over it but I find I can't even say his name, which is a very common name. Everyone wants to know my grandson's name and I can't bare to speak it.

My feelings are so raw I don't know where to put them. It all seems very petty to other people.

TheRealFellatio Thu 25-Apr-13 20:48:29

I don't understand this, honestly. you say you remained reasonably amicable with her father, so what on earth is your objection? I could understand if he was a total bastard who abandoned you both forever, and she had not seen him for donkey's years, but clearly your daughter has a good relationship with him, and you managed to co-parent and stay civil to one another in spite of your differences, so.....confused

Are you saying that just because you were divorced from this man your daughter should refuse to honour him as her father?

ilovecolinfirth Thu 25-Apr-13 20:49:10

Loads of love to you. I can imagine it must be painful. Did she actually name him after her father. My grandmother was over the moon we named my son after my grandad, when really we just liked the name and didnt name him after anyone. We also hose a very common name.

Keep strong. I'm sure that your daughter values you more than you'll ever know. X x x

OTTMummA Thu 25-Apr-13 21:45:46

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OTTMummA Thu 25-Apr-13 21:47:04

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JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 25-Apr-13 21:50:38

Can you explain a bit more?

Did your DD have contact with her father?

Was he abusive to you or her?

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 25-Apr-13 21:51:18

I am sorry about your mum

badguider Thu 25-Apr-13 21:53:59

How can calling a wee boy after his graddad be IN ANY WAY a reflection of your parenting or rejection of you?

It's not a competition between you and your ex husband, you say you were reasonably amicable so I assume your daughter saw her father? Surely you didn't want her to hate him?

pigletpower Thu 25-Apr-13 22:00:37

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Astley Thu 25-Apr-13 22:00:38

badguider if you're like my mother, EVERYTHING related to the Ex is banned and upsets you. Any pro Father comments are seen as personal attacks and a 'slap in the face for everything I've done for you'.

If a lightbulb goes today it'll be my DF's fault that he didn't buy a better quality bulb 20 years ago hmm Some people actually enjoy being a martyr.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 25-Apr-13 22:07:52

Can we go a bit easy on her? She has said she's grieving and isn't that clear-headed.

WorrySighWorrySigh Thu 25-Apr-13 22:13:47

Dont say anything to your DD, YABU

By rejecting his name you are in a small way rejecting your DGS.

This was how I felt when DPiL took it upon themselves to be briefly arsey about DC's name.

They got over themselves but it still hurt at the time.

BlackeyedSusan Thu 25-Apr-13 22:23:41

perhaps you can dodge the issue fo a bit until the name is associated with dgs. call him some pet name, that does not make you cringe, tell people who ask that he is named after you ex (they may not inquire further) or that he is not registered yet.

Want2bSupermum Thu 25-Apr-13 22:29:03

piglet I have a complicated relationship with my mother. We knew our choice of name was going to hurt my mother but my mother has a somewhat twisted opinion of my father. We suggested therapy because she needs to move on. If the OP's ex was an absent father or abusive that is different. In my case my mother will not have a positive word uttered about my father. Her behaviour towards my father is totally irrational at best. My father continues to support her today without her knowing about it. Her car was 10 years old last year so my Dad bought her a new car (same as the one she had) in January and my brother 'gave' it to her. She complained about the colour and said she didn't like driving around in a red car! Honestly, how many exDH's buy their exW a new car 20+ years after they got divorced?!?

Having said that I think if the therapist had not been able to work with my mother we would have gone back and found another name.

OTTMummA Thu 25-Apr-13 22:31:56

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ImperialBlether Thu 25-Apr-13 22:39:19

I'm in a similar position to you, OP, re being an amicable single parent of young adult children. I feel proud of myself that my children don't know what went on within my marriage and they don't know what an utter twat my ex husband had been. I've never said anything about him unless it was favourable and I never let them say anything bad about him unless it was the sort of jokey thing they might have said if he was living here. They have a good relationship with him.

I can't understand why you are having such an extreme response and wonder whether something else is on your mind. He is your children's father and you have an amicable relationship with him. You have enabled your daughter to have a good enough relationship with him that she would name her first born child after him - you realise that's because of the work you've put in, don't you? You should be proud of yourself.

willyoulistentome Thu 25-Apr-13 22:43:06

Perhaps look at it like this. If you had had a grand daughter and your dd decided not to call her after you to save your ex's feelings, would you think that was ok?
Try not to feel hurt, and don't say anything. I'm sure there must have been lots of considerations choosing the name.

RubyGates Thu 25-Apr-13 22:44:11

Oh crap. Ds2 has both of his grandfather's names (and a great-grandfather) as part of his names. Both of our sets of parents are divorced. But our fathers are still our fathers regardless of whether they are still with our mothers. Their divorces had nothing to do with us, and don't make us any less fond of our fathers.

I didn't even think that giving DS2 the names that we have would impact on the way our mothers feel about their grandson. [something else to feel guilty about emoticon]

In fact as neither of us has seen our fathers for some time (for various reasons which have nothing to do with them being bad fathers) it was MORE important to commemorate them in DS2's names.

BellydanceMary Thu 25-Apr-13 22:44:13

If it had been a girl she would have been named after my mother.

firesideskirt Thu 25-Apr-13 22:48:38

I haven't read the thread OP, but thought I'd add my twopenneth anyway.

I think you will get used to it in time and think of it as your grandson's name, not your ex's. And the fact she has chosen it is insensitive to you, but is also testament to what a good job you have done to shield her from the pain and conflict you have borne. She must be a happier and better-balanced woman as a result. So it is a compliment to your parenting, rather than anything else. Try to put your feelings to one side for now, and they will mellow with time. Good luck.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 25-Apr-13 22:58:48

Good post Imperial

dontyouwantmebaby Thu 25-Apr-13 23:02:58

i agree its a testament to how wonderfully you have brought your daughter up on your own that she feels able to do this (assuming she has chosen name for this reason). I don't think its any reflection on your parenting, quite the opposite in fact.

am so sorry to hear about the loss of your mum and it must be difficult still dealing with grief from that as well as welcoming your new grandson into the world too.

my mum brought me up on her own and I often think that without meaning to cause any hurt, children of absent parents tend to find ways to 'remember' or acknowledge their other parent in some cases (if that makes any sense!). this doesn't take ANYTHING away from you as the parent who was there for her. It sounds like your daughter will have no idea that this would hurt/affect you so much. hope that you feel better and enjoy the new addition to your family, you will be very special to him as the person who brought up his mum single-handedly x

candyandyoga Thu 25-Apr-13 23:04:06

Sorry but I think it would be very wrong of you to call the baby anything g other than his name. You need to put these feelings behind you and respect your daughter's decision.

SinisterBuggyMonth Thu 25-Apr-13 23:15:59

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

yousankmybattleship Thu 25-Apr-13 23:28:07

YABU, sorry. You come accross as very selfy centered. This moment is about your daughtr and her new son and you sound rather silly to be having a hissy fit about the name. This is your grandson. Be happy.

foreverondiet Thu 25-Apr-13 23:39:34

How awful... Unless a) he has died or b) it's a family name for her DP then I think she was very thoughtless to give him the name.

I think it's ok to say something like - your baby your choice but I am going to find if very hard to get used to the name - as it's a name with do much emotion - but my problem not yours.

Yanbu. But don't ask her to reconsider name - just tell her how hard it is for you.

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