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to feel utterly let down and give up?

(26 Posts)
ruledbyheart Thu 25-Apr-13 11:25:09

Ok probably am but would like to think I'm not BU
My mum wanted to have DC1 last weekend its taken me 3 yrs building a relationship with her to trust her to have him but we made all arrangments etc but last weekend my sister wanted to go on the piss and as a single mum her needs were greater so my mum cancelled last minute to have my.nephew instead, fine DC1 a little upset but we rearranged for this weekend.

For the last 3 days I have been trying to get hold of my mum to make sure the plans hadn't changed again and she sent me this text message last night.

As im guessing you will react badly to this bit of news,i have decided to text ya rather than ring. What can i say,im a coward. When you have calmed down and accept the situation was unavoidable,you may then phone or text me. Im afraid that i am unavailable to have DC1 this wkend. It concerns sis im afraid,so as you both dont want to know about each not at liberty to discuss why. Sorry about that,but thats how its to be. I can and do still want to have him and the others,but i just cant do this wken. Love mum. I am sorry. Xxx

So yet again DS1 has been messed around and will be upset when I tell him.

I went on Facebook and put a status up about how I now again have to rearrange my plans for the weekend, suddenly I get a message through Facebook from my sister sending me a load of abuse telling me her needs are greater and to fuck off whinging, she isn't on my Facebook so has only seen my status through a mutual friends profile.

It turns out my mum has got my sister living with her at the moment and thats why she cant have DS1.

Aibu to think instead of texting my like that she could have still had DS1 (not sure why she cant as DS1 would have slept in with mum anyway) or arranged to take him out instead for the day instead of letting him down and upsetting a 5yr old boy again?

I text back saying that I was disappointed that she couldn't discuss it like adults and think its best that we dont tell DCs when she makes plans so when she lets them down they aren't aware and therefore not upset, but she hasn't responded and probably wont.

Just a note to say there is a lot of history with this and I don't have a great relationship as she used to have MH issues and I had a difficult childhood (she is better now) with her and since moved on her request to be closer for her to see DCs she has let them down alot.

mrsjay Thu 25-Apr-13 11:31:30

god it sounds a nightmare you mum is stuck int he middle maybe from her own doing with your sister and you fighting, I would cut tie don't let your child be involved in this I know it is hurtful your sister getting help and your not but TBH dont let yourself be hurt by them you have moved and she is still the same way, I would text your mother back saying ok whatever, and not arrange anything else with her to have the dc ,

My mum was the same promising all sorts to my dds and never delivering we do get on ok but it came to a head years ago and I told her to stop telling them they can stay over she once said she would take them on holiday they are still waiting 15 years later,

mrsjay Thu 25-Apr-13 11:31:59

sounds like your mum is really dramatic too dont buy into it,

Groovee Thu 25-Apr-13 11:35:05

I'd just not organise anything with her for your children. I'd also block your sister on FB.

NatashaBee Thu 25-Apr-13 11:36:28

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ruledbyheart Thu 25-Apr-13 11:36:54

I have kept my life separate from my sisters as much as possible but try to.keep it neutral for the DC for example I saw her walking through town last week and my DC saw her so let her say hello instead of being rude and walking off that was fine, I wont stop their relationship if sis wants to have one.

And also just to say I only agreed for mum to have DC1 as she kept asking I didn't make the arrangements she did.

SpanishFly Thu 25-Apr-13 11:38:03

yes, first thing is to block your sister on FB so she doesnt see anything you post.

ruledbyheart Thu 25-Apr-13 11:38:36

Sis isn't on my Facebook, she is blocked but she has been accessing my profile via a friend of hers to snoop on me, all mutual friends have now been deleted unfortunately as I obviously have someone not trustworthy on there.

mrsjay Thu 25-Apr-13 11:39:57

well I think people saying making arrangements was just in general just IYSWIM, yes your mum asked but I think saying oh well maybe or lets see or a direct no is probably better than agreeing, people who have always let you down will always let you down, and this is your child , I know how horrible it feels when parents are like this ,

maddening Thu 25-Apr-13 11:41:09

going forward maybe your mum can come and look after dc1 at your house?

mrsjay Thu 25-Apr-13 11:42:47

going forward maybe your mum can come and look after dc1 at your house?

^ ^ this is a good idea rather than having the DC at her house get her to come to yours your sister is at her house she can't expect her mum not to help you too

ruledbyheart Thu 25-Apr-13 11:44:51

Mum does come here mostly to see DC but will always tell DC when she leaves when she will be back, then if she forgets or cancels I have to tell DC she isn't coming and they do get upset, I have told her it would be best to just arrange with me out of their earshot but she keeps doing it so think it may be an idea to cool it unless she can either keep it between us or stick to her promises to DC.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles Thu 25-Apr-13 11:50:18

Wish you hadn't posted on FB <fuel to the fire emoticon> but YANBU to feel let down again, you say My mum wanted to have DC1 so presumably she was disappointed too. From DSis's viewpoint she now has Mum wrapped round her little finger so you'll lose out, who knows what her situation is but just withdraw gracefully and don't mention DS staying overnight or babysitting again for the present.

mrsjay Thu 25-Apr-13 11:51:36

I think that is probably for the best or if you hear her say it to the children pull her up on it infront of them say something like well we will have to see as granny might be really busy that night so .... you are protecting yourself and dc that I think

Mnetter111 Thu 25-Apr-13 12:02:24

What mrs jay said. she's made it clear that you aren't being treated equally, or your dc. Do you have good friends you can get closer to? I put more effort into one or two really good friends than a parent that isn't reciprocating

ruledbyheart Thu 25-Apr-13 12:12:24

Yes thankfully I have a couple of good friends and I don't need to have a relationship with my mum, the only reason I have had one so far is for the DC but obviously thats not working as well as it was.

VoiceofUnreason Thu 25-Apr-13 12:18:19

Based on your history and that text I would have as little to do with her as possible. Sorry. It's never going to change.

diddl Thu 25-Apr-13 12:28:03

Sorry, but your mum sounds shit.

Cancel so that your sister can go on the piss??!!

Cancel because your sister is living there??!!

No GPs are better than crap ones!

quesadilla Thu 25-Apr-13 12:59:46

Agree with what's been said above. I think for your own welfare and that of your dcs you need to put some distance between you and your mum and manage the kids' expectations about arranging visits. I don't know what's happened between you and your dsis but I find it disturbing that your mum seems not only to taking sides (which is bad enough) but actually stoking the drama and the bad feeling between you at the expense of your dcs happiness. I wouldn't necessarily cut her off completely but I would make it clear that the onus is on her to rebuild trust before you sign up to anything else involving your children.

ruledbyheart Thu 25-Apr-13 13:50:37

Im glad I'm not the only one who thinks IANBU I will definitely be keeping a distance from now on, its always been the same with my mum taking my sisters side unfortunately there is a history there which I believe centres around guilt, but I thought things would be different now we are all adults and there is grandchildren involved.
Just one instance recently of many that I think I need to just suck up and move on.

Its just a shame its my children that will miss out as they are very fond of there nana and auntie.

Consils Thu 25-Apr-13 13:56:54

AGree with diddl. Someone people are unreliable and you have to rely on the gold ones who are. Don't give up. Bash a pillow.

quoteunquote Thu 25-Apr-13 14:36:19

Its just a shame its my children that will miss out as they are very fond of there nana and auntie.

Try to think of it as teaching your child about how people should be treated,

you are setting an example, about what you will and will not tolerate within relationships,

You want your child to grow up to be kind and considerate to others, and you want your child to grow up and be in relationships where people are kind and considerate towards him, so he has happy positive relationships.

Stop asking for or expecting anything from your mum, she had decided that you and your son are not her priority,

If she comes round be polite, have a cup of tea, but don't accept any arrangements, or offers, let her instigate any contact only agree once to it once a month, only agree for her to visit if it suits you, meet her at the park every now and then for a coffee, if she changes plans, leave it for another month,

If she wants to make you and DS a priority, she would, one day she might,

Structure your life so you are not reliant for support, that way she can disappoint without so much impact on your lives.

and don't tell your son about any arrangements until they are actually happening, it's unfair as you know she is a flaky.

Pigsmummy Thu 25-Apr-13 14:41:45

Unfortunately as your Mum is stuck between you and your sister I suspect that your DSis might be the issue rather than your Mum, I frown on your Mum letting you down so your sister can go out partying but the situation now seems more serious if your sister is living with her now? I think that it is reasonable to ask why her living there means that your DS can't still visit but do you really want him to go whilst your sister is there anyhow? Clearly you two don't get on.

I think that she will genuinely feel bad about how this has gone, she isn't strong enough to say no to your sister but she needs to also consider your feeling and that if your DS.

pigletmania Thu 25-Apr-13 14:45:57

Your mum sounds rubbish and has no backbone. I would not arrange anything with her and don't tell ds anything, it's not fair on him. Still keep in contact with her for the sake of you ds but don't make any future plans for her to have your ds

Schnarkle Thu 25-Apr-13 14:48:06

Probably the best way forward is to let the children know at the very last minute 2 seconds before she knocks on your door about plans with their grandmother. She sounds like she enjoys the drama to be honest.

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