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fuming with DH

(138 Posts)
brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 08:56:54

In our house i cook and put the children to bed while DH tidies the kitchen and washes up. I have just come down this morning to the washing up not done from last night so everything is stuck to the pans etc.

Feel really mad at him as i must have fell asleep last night while i was settling my toddler down as he woke me about 9.00pm and we watched a bit of tv before bed so i didn't go into the kitchen until this morning.

I phoned him and we had a row, more he got defensive about he doesn't always do it but my arguement to him was that i cook every night and then put boys children to bed so it's only fair. He makes out that by him washing up is doing me a favour! He said he gets fed up of always washing up. I said to him last night that he could put boys to bed and i tidy kitchen but he don't want to do that(probably because he knows he has the better deal) I'm a SAHM at the moment my DH gets in from work at about 4.30 from being out at 7.50.

He said it's only a few pans but thats not the point. I told him i wanted to keep the soup from last night but i didn't expect him to leave it out in the pan along with the rice pan(dried rice stuck to it) jugs and colander and lots of cutlery, cups etc.

I told him that when im up in the morning with the children i like to just get their breakfast and sort them out not tidy the kitchen first as that should have been done the night before. I just feel put on that i do my half of the bargain but have to finish his job as well.

He hung up on me in the end. I'm just fed up my DH is not lazy but is so untidy that it's getting me down and

brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 08:58:48

Pressed to soon,

and feel it is becoming a deal breaker as i'm saying the same things to him and getting no where. Don't want to leave him but if i had known what he was like when i met him i wouldn't have got involved and i know that sounds harsh.

Seabright Thu 25-Apr-13 08:59:37

YANBU, and he knows it. Which is why he put the phone down, I think.

He gets in at 4:30, so he needs to help out until you are both ready to relax for the evening

redskyatnight Thu 25-Apr-13 09:03:00

Agree that evening jobs should be shared but also worth considering …

1.How old are your DC? (i.e. are they out at school all day)
2.Sounds like this was only an arrangement in your head and not DH’s – you can’t really blame him for not doing something he didn’t realise he was supposed to.
3.Even if it was an arrangement, I think the odd time of not being bothered with it is allowed.
4.I agree with your DH that doing the same job all the time gets really tedious – I’d suggest that some days he puts the boys to bed while you wash up. Or why don’t you both wash up together and both put a child each to bed? Swap it around anyway, so neither of you get sick of your lot.

YoniMontana Thu 25-Apr-13 09:05:28

That would annoy me too. Especially of that's the only thing he has to do.

VoiceofUnreason Thu 25-Apr-13 09:06:21

I'm with redsky on this one.

Also, annoying as it might be, I don't think it's the sort of thing I would ring my OH about and get into a row over. I mean, really? And you're now saying if you'd known he was occasionally lazy you'd never have got involved with him and "I don't want to leave him but...."


You called him at work because he hadn't washed the pans? I think you have overreacted a bit tbh. He forgot, it happens, and calling him at work hasn't achieved anything, its not like he can come home and do them. I can see how annoying it would be if he regularly forgets though.

starfishmummy Thu 25-Apr-13 09:08:04


CaptainSweatPants Thu 25-Apr-13 09:09:02

I think he should put the kids to bed as you've seen them all day
Or just do everything together
Tbh you're lucky to have him home so early

Gingerodgers Thu 25-Apr-13 09:09:32

You sound a bit of a nag. Are you looking for things to pick fights about? Fgs, just roll your eyes and get on with it.

brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 09:11:45

My children are 2 and a half and 10 months. I have said i will swap with him and he can put children to bed but he doesn't. He even says he will tidy kitchen while i put kids to bed which is why i'm fed up when it's not done. The 2 boys are hard to settle down sometimes as i breastfeed my youngest and my 2 and a half year old distracts him while i feed as they are both in the same room.

Icantstopeatinglol Thu 25-Apr-13 09:12:06

Yabu if this is a one off, if I rang my dh every time he didn't do what he's supposed to our phone bill would be sky high! I'd mention it when he got in as an off the cuff remark but probably wouldn't go much further than that.

JumpingJackSprat Thu 25-Apr-13 09:12:30

Yabu. so he forgot whats the big deal? If youre that bothered leave them for when he gets home.

melika Thu 25-Apr-13 09:13:11

Have fractured ribs at moment, so I think the DH and the two DS are really feeling how lucky they are at the moment. I cannot do anything. Just walking kills.

I think you are lucky to have him cleaning, full stop.
I think YABU to ring him at work for it.

HappyAsASandboy Thu 25-Apr-13 09:15:09

Maybe he could cook and wash up tonight, since you cooked last night and then washed up this morning?

It sounds to me like you have a routine of splitting the tasks this way, so he knew that washing up was part of his contribution last night. I agree with whoever said its ok to not want to do your jobs sometimes, but in that case he should have stacked everything out of the way and then said something about not doing them and doing them tonight instead. Not just leave a bomb site and not mention anything.

If he doesn't want to do all the washing up, the only way forward is an agreement of which nights he does which of the jobs. Sounds like you've each got to do two of cooking, washing up, tidying kitchen and bedtime, so let him pick which nights he does what? As you say, the washing up/tidying sounds like a much easier deal, so you might come out of this quite well grin

Icantstopeatinglol Thu 25-Apr-13 09:15:30

....change of mind slightly seeing dc ages, I'd make him help out with getting them to bed! We have a 2 & 5yr old and we take one each. I love reading them their stories in bed, would your dh not enjoy reading them stories?
Hope you get sorted though, it's hardwork having little ones and trying to get housework done.

VoiceofUnreason Thu 25-Apr-13 09:15:35

Brummie - "MY children" and not "OUR children"?

brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 09:16:29

I'm not a nag but this is not just a one off. What gets on my nerves i suppose is i cook while he sits with the boys watching tv and then he moans at what i'm cooking if its something he doesn't want even though at the beginning of each week i say what i am cooking and ask him what he would like and he never knows.

bigbuttons Thu 25-Apr-13 09:18:28

I think this is really petty tbh

CrowsLanding Thu 25-Apr-13 09:21:25

You are 'Fuming' over a few dirty pots? hmm

StuntGirl Thu 25-Apr-13 09:21:34

To all the posters sayng its ok to not do your share of the tasks sometimes; what if the OP decided she couldn't be bothered to cook and do the bedtime routine? Would that be ok?

Lemonylemon Thu 25-Apr-13 09:24:51

OP: Your DH sounds exactly like my DS (who's 15) and regularly washes up so badly it has to be done again. Who tries to get out of doing the washing up because, "it's boring", "I'm really fed up with doing it", "I'll do it in the morning".....

YANBU - I bloody fume over it too. It's lazy.

brummiegirl1 Thu 25-Apr-13 09:26:46

Bu t i don't think it is petty. I gave him the choice, he could have put the boys to bed, but he said he would wash up. I don't think it is fair that i cooked, put children to bed and then have to do his washing up the next morning. He should have said he didn't want to wash up that night and that would have been fine. It was just seeing the mess when i came down this morning.

i also didn't phone him this morning just to moan about the pots, i phoned him to see if he had fed the dog but yes i did mention the washing up. I knew he wouldn't have been at work at the time as he was on his way to work. I don't call him when he is at work.

MayTheOddsBeEverInYourFavour Thu 25-Apr-13 09:27:18

I think it's fine to not do things sometimes, as long as it doesn't make life harder for anyone else

I don't think it's ok to not bother with something and expect someone else to pick up the slack

So I'd leave it all for him to sort out later

VoiceofUnreason Thu 25-Apr-13 09:28:20

Get a dishwasher. Make his task loading it and switching it on.

If he can't handle that, then leave him.

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