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to think that Dh can be an insensitive twat!

(15 Posts)
ditsydoll Wed 24-Apr-13 22:14:39

I'm due with dc2 in a few weeks. Iv been trying to keep myself busy with hospital bags and trivial things but somethings been upsetting me for a while now and its all kind of come out tonight in an emotional mess.

Dd is 4 and I just adore her, she's very sensitive and I worry about how the baby will effect our relationship. She's having a few problems adjusting to us having a baby, she's been very sweet about it but I know it's worrying her which upsets me.

The thing that's really bothering me is the fact that I don't really feel iv bonded through this pregnancy, I worry how I will feel about baby once it's born. I fell in love with dd as soon as I saw her first scan and this time around all I can think about is how having another baby is going to effect dd.

I thought as the pregnancy progressed I would feel more but I just still feel numb to it all and tonight I have admitted the way I feel.

I was a blubbering mess and told him how I felt and at the end I said I was worried I wouldn't love the baby once he/she is born and I didn't know what to do, it took everything in me to talk about this and I feel heart broken for admitting it.

Dhh just said how the hell am I supposed to know, u just need to chill out, he rolled over and is now snoring. I feel so alone and so ashamed.

MrsHelsBels74 Wed 24-Apr-13 22:20:27

I was worried when pregnant with DS2 that there was no way on earth I could possibly love him as much as DS1, but when he arrived I just did, I'm sure you will too.

As to your DH, yes he's an insensitive twat, is this usual for him or a strange response? Maybe he's worried too but is trying to convince himself it will all be fine.

MrsHelsBels74 Wed 24-Apr-13 22:21:38

And DS1 absolutely adores his little brother, very little jealousy there. He was 2.7 when DS2 was born.

Hassled Wed 24-Apr-13 22:25:07

Yes, your DH was showing a massive lack of imagination and sensitivity.

But I can reassure you - I've worried in exactly the same way about every one of my last 3 children. Would I love DC2 as much as DC1? DC3 as much as DCs 1&2? DC4 as much as 1,2&3? And every time the answer has been yes, I would love them as much. Your capacity to love just grows - they have their own personalities, they're their own people, and you love them individually and easily. It will be fine.

Ruralninja Wed 24-Apr-13 22:25:20

I think sometimes men think 'mental pregnancy hormones, she'll feel better tomorrow'. You might need to try telling him in the light of day rather than just before bed. Poor you, it must be very hard not to worry, but remember there's always more love to go round, not a finite amount. It might take a while for you all to adjust and whilst you are, remember how lovely it will be for your daughter to have a playmate

ditsydoll Wed 24-Apr-13 22:25:24

Thanks for your reply helsbels, I really hope I can shake this feeling. I just think the worry of how things are going to change are stopping me from bonding as I'd like to.
As for Dh it's not unusual for him to be insensitive. He's very much a man of few words and doesn't speak to me very much bit I really thought he would listen and talk to me given the way I'm feeling.

TigerSwallowTail Wed 24-Apr-13 22:28:03

I'm due dc2 in a few weeks too and feel the exact same way you do, but I've been reassured that it's completely normal to feel like this.

As for your dh, you're right he's a complete twat, wait until tomorrow and tell him how his reaction made you feel.

LilyAmaryllis Wed 24-Apr-13 22:30:38

Yes I worried about this too. Don't worry about not feeling "bonded" with your bump. It won't be any the wiser! Don't fret about it because the great likelihood is that you will love your baby as soon as it arrives.

The good thing is you can use your experience from first time round... (I'm thinking about things like, not being so precious about handing my baby to other people to look after for a short while (which can give you 1:1 time with your DD))

At the age of four the good thing is that she can be more involved with the baby herself, I bet she will want to "help".

Shame you didn't get better hugs from your DH though

foreverondiet Wed 24-Apr-13 22:31:11

I felt the same when I was pregnant with dc2 and I had trouble bonding - didn't help that he was much less calm than dd. told about 5-6 months before I felt I loved him. But you can't possibly know. With dc3 had no such worries and bonded right away. Best not to dwell on it or it may come to be...

Blossomgirl Wed 24-Apr-13 22:31:12

I used to think that having another child would feel like two of my DS1, ohh noo what a completely different liitle boy DS2 is. You have your surprise in store in a couple of weeks, you'll see you'll be just fine because your new baby won't be anything but just right, and individual.

As for DH, he aint wired to understand but you don't need to feel ashamed his being a bloke. Good Luck. Sure you will be fine smile

ditsydoll Wed 24-Apr-13 22:31:16

Thanks ladies, it's very reassuring to know I'm not alone. I love the thought of dd having a sibling, that's keeping me going at the minute.
I think as its getting closer to my due date I was just expecting to feel the same by now but as you have all said it should come once dc2 is born.
Just been feeling so alone and was glad once I got it off my chest and share my problem and just felt horrible when he threw it back in my face.

NoSuchFairytale Wed 24-Apr-13 22:34:32

Those pregnancy hormones are a pain in the arse. My first pregnancy was full of worry about bonding with two (twins). What if I felt more love for one? What if I can't show equal attention? Their father was/still is the biggest pile of doggy doo and left me high and dry.

I'm not saying your DH is anything like that BTW. I'm just saying I understand how you feel about the bonding. I think it's natural to feel like that when you have more than one.

Is there anyone else you could talk to about how you feel? A close relative or friend?

Lilicat1013 Wed 24-Apr-13 22:35:04

I was worried about this as well, I have a three year old son who is autistic and an eleven week old baby boy.

Aside from being so in love with my older son and not knowing how I could love another child as much as him I was worried because being autistic I could not explain to him what was going to happen, his whole world would change with no warning at all. Of course we tried to explain to him about there being a baby on the way but he really didn't understand at all.

I was worried all through the pregnancy how the baby would effect my older son then had the guilt because my younger son didn't have the focus on him the way my older one did. I didn't feel as bonded with him as I did my older son and I had huge 'what have I done' moments.

As soon as he was here though, I bonded with him and connected with him just in the same way as I did my older son.

My older son had difficulty with the new baby at first, not jealousy but panic because the baby was crying and he doesn't like loud noises. At times it felt completely unworkable trying to look after them both together.

In the last few weeks though things have fallen in to place, my older son who is scared of other children and doesn't tend to go near them helps me bath the baby, had tried to cuddle him and even says baby (a big deal he barely speaks).

He is able to do that despite no prior warning there would be a baby, a general fear of other children and a hatred of any sort of change. Your daughter is coming from a much better starting point than that, she will be fine.

Remember although the early few weeks are difficult and it will be hard if she gets jealous you are giving her the gift of a sibling. In a few years time they will love each other and be playing together and you wont be able to imagine how it would have turned out any differently.

Finally in answer to your question, your husband is a twat, ignore him.

idonthaveone Wed 24-Apr-13 22:36:35

My Mum said to me and she was right that your capacity to love just grows and you dont think you can ever love a DC as much as your first born but your love just grows and she was right

I had a rush of love (more than with my first DC very drugged and tired) when DC2 was born really your capacity to love is amazing don't worry your hormones are a right mess atm xxxx

ditsydoll Wed 24-Apr-13 22:38:09

I don't really have any friends. Just more like acquaintances so I couldn't really talk to them.

I could talk to my mum but she would be worried (where I get it from)

Knowing that I'm maybe more normal than I thought has helped. What would I do without MN!

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