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To have cancelled DD's birthday cake?

(49 Posts)
ali23 Wed 24-Apr-13 18:10:02

My MIL and I have a fair enough relationship. But everything feels like a competition. The latest episode has left me really pissed off but I do feel a little ungrateful. DD is about to turn 6. I've promised a home made cake that she 'designed'. MIL came in tonight to tell me she took it upon herself to order.a cake today. Everything is a competition - all the time. At Christmas she runs out in October to start buying anything kids have asked for - including things that we have said no to that she has went ahead with regardless(TV for bedroom which was a no-no). Anyway there is enough time to cancel cake order. I'm shite at baking but want to try for DD. have also bought in all the stuff. Am I being a cow?

dexter73 Wed 24-Apr-13 18:11:25

I would just have both cakes.

JammySplodger Wed 24-Apr-13 18:11:30

No, you're not being a cow. I'd have done the same.

JammySplodger Wed 24-Apr-13 18:12:32

What cake are you going to make?

HazeltheMcWitch Wed 24-Apr-13 18:14:05

Not being a cow, no.
Could you have a conversation about boundaries? Or would this just lead to more blow-ups?
Does your DH 'get' why this is pissing you off?

sleeplessbunny Wed 24-Apr-13 18:15:02

Are you sure it's a competition or does it just feel that way? She might just be trying to spoil her grandchildren and going a bit OTT. Have you (or your DH) actually discussed it with her?

tumbletumble Wed 24-Apr-13 18:15:35

This is a relatively minor one so maybe let her win, but I would be seriously pissed off about the TV.

TigOldBitties Wed 24-Apr-13 18:15:39

I think instead of cancelling the cake you need to have a talk with her about ordering it in the first place and the behaviour you've described.

Involve your DH, and insist on changes.

CocacolaMum Wed 24-Apr-13 18:15:54

you've bought the stuff. You could just accidentally drop her cake.. hehe

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Wed 24-Apr-13 18:16:26

Yanbu. My Mum does this ALL the time. Cancel the cake and make your own.

aldiwhore Wed 24-Apr-13 18:21:08

It saddens me that I can't tell my mum 'normal' things any more, as she goes into overdrive.

It's not so much competition with her, rather she tries to think FOR me rather than of me!! Drove me potty for years, until I stopped telling her much of anything.

If I do tell her anything now it's with eyes wide open. I use it to my advantage.

We get on a lot better, I'm a lot less 'miffed' - living in permanent miftness is no fun - and there are still things to talk about.

I think you need to do the same, but make sure your DH is on board too!

diddl Wed 24-Apr-13 18:30:36

Did her MIL do this to her?

Not that it would make it right of course.

In some ways it does sound petty-but she's had her turn at sorting out bdays for her children-why does she get to do it for GC as well?

If OP lets MIL do it all-when's her turn??!!

seriouscakeeater Wed 24-Apr-13 18:45:26

Cancel her cake.

My MIL is very similar to her other grandchildren, I'm dreading when my DD arrives because we are going to have a boundaries battle.

This boils down to the fact she thinks her will is more important than the mothers. That her DGC will/do love her more than their own mother hmm

What did you do with the tv? I would have sent it back. There should never be a time when some one else rides rough shot over you and DH. You need to say her cake isn't needed as you and DD have actually all ready discussed the cake dd wants. So what if your cake is crap..let DD help too, let her go crazy on it.

It really isn't about 'winning battles' or 'having a turn', DD is your child, so what you say goes.

Believe me if you don't nip it in the bud now it will never change, seen my sil go through 17 years worth of shit with it.

ali23 Wed 24-Apr-13 18:55:23

The TV was left at MIL's. Last Christmas I spoke to her as she had just gone OTT and had bought stuff we just didn't want. Trouble is while DH agrees to an extent he also thinks I'm ungrateful. I just want to parent my own kids.

batfuttocks Wed 24-Apr-13 19:18:54

Cancel the cake. You have arranged it already and she didn't check with you first: it is not what you or your dd want. Don't bow to her.

ChasedByBees Wed 24-Apr-13 19:22:40

Cancel it definitely. You've already promised a home made cake to her design which will be so much more fun. Set your boundaries.

IneedAsockamnesty Wed 24-Apr-13 19:23:17

Is the design dd has done one that mil's cake could be turned into with some creative cutting and icing?

It may be a life saver if your as shite at baking as I am.

seriouscakeeater Wed 24-Apr-13 19:24:03

My MIL is exactly the same. In future I would let her know well in advance what you are doing and discuss what she 'wants' to do (within reason)

Stand your ground. Lavishing gifts of young children is not healthy as it sets them up for over exceeding expectations.

I all ready have a dd who is 18 with a fantastic ex mil so I know the difference, Mil should be there to support not undermine, my exmil is lovely. My current MIL is another kettle of fish and i'm preparing to put my boxing gloves on and go all mamma bear when this dd comes!

willowstar Wed 24-Apr-13 19:26:55

I would definitely cancel the cake, no questions asked.

Fudgemallowdelight Wed 24-Apr-13 19:32:58

I'd probably just have two cakes. The TV thing is annoying. My mum bought curtains for the nursery when i was pregnant with dd1. Which was nice, but i prefer to pick my own curtains for my own home funnily enough so they went back.

MyDarlingClementine Wed 24-Apr-13 19:41:00


Really good post.

We had some of this to begin with - thankfully nipped it in the bud.

I can understand why they are excited - making cakes but by same token, do they not think the actual mother may like to do a cake>

I feel so sorry for you - with your cake ingredients worrying about whether to make your own dd a bloody cake! how sad?! You should be excited about it.

Anyway this isnt about you its about your own DD excitement at HER cake on HER birthday

" Hi MIl,
So sorry but other cake needs to be cancelled, DD has chosen her own cake this year and I we are going with that, thanks for thinking of her though, but I would not want to under mine her or make her think her own choice of cake on her own birthday wasn't ok - for her...when its her choice!"


batfuttocks Wed 24-Apr-13 20:07:43

I get similar (though not yet as extreme) "help" and "gifts" from mil. I do try to be grateful and accepting but find she steps on my toes at times (for example, christening gown for the as yet unborn dd!).

I think you are very justified in saying, kindly, what others have suggested: thank you so much for trying to help. Actually, dd has asked me to bake for her this year and I have bought everything in so she can have the cake she has asked for. (Perhaps you could come up with something she can provide for you instead, as a compromise?)

Good luck - it's a minefield.

Dozer Wed 24-Apr-13 20:17:26

You are not being ungrateful, MIL is overstepping boundaries and your H should deal with it rather than trying to get you to put up with it by labelling you "ungrateful".

crashdoll Wed 24-Apr-13 20:25:05

For the cake situation, YABU. Why can't DD have 2 cakes?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Wed 24-Apr-13 20:29:37

2 cakes is over the top and unnecessary. A birthday means a special cake...note the "a" there...ONE cake.

Why not let the kid have 4 or 5? Then everyone who wants to can offer one without being offended?

The little girl of course, will never appreciate a home made cake when she's inundated with them.

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