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to be irritated by dh deferring to me instead of just deciding then and there?

(15 Posts)
Aplastadora Wed 24-Apr-13 15:33:51

some recent examples:
It's a Saturday, we're pottering around at home in the afternoon. The dh of a v local friend of mine rings dh. He asks my dh if he could pop over with jump leads to start their car - a five minute jobby. Dh says "hold on I'll just check with aplastadora". of course I say "yes just go -why are you asking?".

Last weekend - dh is in garden with kids. Neighbour sticks head over fence and asks dh if dd wants to pop over for a quick play with their dd. Dh says "hang on I'll just check with aplastadora" I of course say yes -why are you checking. He says "I thought you might have plans" confused.

Yesterday. Childminder rings - we're both working from home that day. Dh answers phone. Childminder says dd (age 4.5) is a bit warm and not hungry. She's having a nap at the moment. Perhaps you should come and pick her up. Dh says "Hang on, I'll...." well you get the idea!!!

I'm glad that dh is so consultative generally but in this sort of scenario it drives me mad. The example of dd going to play at the neighbour's house last weekend - he could have just said yes. She was only going next door (which she's done before a few times) and if I had some unexpected plan which I hadn't told him about it would have been easy to go and get dd back.

And with my friend's dh asking for his help for five mins it was embarrassing for me that dh had to ask my permission first. They must think I'm a massive ballbreaker. Perhaps I am a massive ball breaker?

Anyway IABU to think just bloody well decide for yourself and take a tiny gamble that it might be the wrong thing to do?

Aplastadora Wed 24-Apr-13 15:52:49

The other thing is that he sees me making little decisions like that all the time without consulting him and afaik he's perfectly fine with it.

quoteunquote Wed 24-Apr-13 15:54:41

Just be as courteous towards him, and consult him on every move, then it is fair.

squeakytoy Wed 24-Apr-13 15:55:11

some people cant do right for wrong... sounds like your husband is considerate..

Crinkle77 Wed 24-Apr-13 15:55:54

It seems to me that he is just being considerate and checking that you have not made other arrangements that he does not know about.

My partner used to use me as an excuse to get out of things if he did not want to do stuff. He would say he couldn't do stuff with them as he had plans with me. I was furious one night when one of his mates turned round and made a comment to me about not stopping my boyfriend from going out for his birthday. I have never stopped him from doing anything and my fella did admit that sometimes he used me as an excuse. As you can imagine they I was angry cos he made me out to be some ball breaker when nothing could have been further from the truth

HansieMom Wed 24-Apr-13 15:57:06

Irritating! I think I would say you are an adult, you decide, or I am not your mother, or why the hell are you asking me!

It is so lame what he is doing.

DionFortune Wed 24-Apr-13 15:57:11

Do you bollock him if he gets it wrong? It sounds like he is trying to be considerate so his intention is positive?

livinginwonderland Wed 24-Apr-13 15:59:38

i'd rather someone checked too much than never checked at all.

AdoraBell Wed 24-Apr-13 16:02:07

On the flip side, my OH tells me X is coming to do Y on this day, you will be at home, won't you? And if I ask what time he never knows because he's assumed that I'll be here all day despite needing to collect DDs from school, and so hasn't mentioned a time when arranging my dayangry

OHforDUCKScake Wed 24-Apr-13 16:02:15


If he didnt ask you would be on here saying "AIBU to think DH should give me a little consideration?" After hes gone to meet a friend on a Saturday afternoon without consulting you first.

Aplastadora Wed 24-Apr-13 16:02:23

quote and squeaky - I appreciate he is considerate and of course it is nice if he checks before making a big commitment. But in sometimes it feels more like he is asking permission or for me to make the decision all the time.

I don't like the feeling that everything is my responsibility.

Crinkle - that would piss me off too.

MimsyBorogroves Wed 24-Apr-13 16:14:19

I'm torn. I like it when DH checks as it's a pain in the arse when I've already got the day organised.

That said, it REALLY annoys me when we have the day planned - and he knows it because we've discussed what we're doing - when MIL asks if we can go round/stay for tea/etc he will ask me what I think, so I've always got to be the one saying no.

Aplastadora Wed 24-Apr-13 16:14:44

Dion - I don't think I bollock him but he is v sensitive so perhaps he feels like I have in the past. I am very careful about disagreeing with him as gently and as little as possible as he doesn't like conflict.

Adora - in that case - i'd just say that you'd arranged to be out that day so he'll have to rearrange for x time on x date.

digerd Wed 24-Apr-13 16:24:18

Another YABU. He is not expecting you to make major decisions all by yourself. He is being considerate of you and respecting you.

And why do you not answer the phone ? Is that DH's job < like my BIL's>

My DH never liked answering the phone.

Aplastadora Wed 24-Apr-13 16:32:50


I do answer my phone grin but not dh's phone. And dh answered the house phone from the childminder cos he was working downstairs and next to it while I was in another room upstairs.

Seems like most people think IABU <sulks>

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