To be wary of this guys behaviour and what do I do / say?!(165 Posts)
Not a regular poster but I've recently had one date and could do with some input!! Am I unreasonable to be wary of this guy?! and what would you say to him?
Been single and plodding along for a while and got back in touch with an old childhood friend after bumping into him on a train (I'm starting to think you should never get back in touch ever haha). After about 3 weeks of chatting online, exchanging numbers, I thought he was all very much like me with same interests, humour etc so I okayed a date when he spontaneously asked if I wanted to meet him "tomorrow" after work for dinner; Now comes the downfall!
I organised myself to be free and met him on way home from work thinking as we're up the city we'd get a drink / food. Easy right? He suggests dinner at mine Flustered I say I haven't got much in need to do a shop and lets just get something to eat out. End up having rather awkward conversation - half flows well but other half of him going on a tangent about whatever he's talking about. Thought maybe it was just nerves as he's quite an intelligent man.
Automatically I pull out my purse as the bill arrives because It's just natural to me look up and he's very slowly looking like he's considering pulling out his wallet, so I just hand over my card and pay for it and have done with it. Then he starts exclaiming how no woman has ever paid for his meal and is all beaming at me.
Rather awkwardly he ends up coming back to mine for a drink... how I allowed this I don't know. I certainly didn't utter the words come back to mine! Over a cup of tea, we have yet more awkward conversation and luckily the tele is on to diffuse it a bit. I seemed to learn all about his ex partners and at quarter to 12 I'm wondering when he's going to piss off so I say "Don't you have work tomorrow" and he says "Yeah, I'll be fine" with no intent on going... So for the next couple of hours I'm saying "Tomorrows going to be hard to concentrate I'm knackered" he's still not taking the hint he leans in to kiss me and I laugh and back away, he tries several times whilst trying to get my bra off! I stand up and say right well I need some kip if I'm ever getting up tomorrow and his reply "I suppose I can get the nightbus". In a bid to just get rid of him I say "I'll drive you" so at 4am I drive him home eyes hanging out of my head.
Oddest "Date" I've ever had and so taken a back by the events unfolding i really don't think I was my usual assertive and upfront self. I thought my body language etc was quite obviously a "No, thanks". Clearly he didn't read any of these signs and has been texting non stop. I've limited replies to the odd polite one, but still he advances with all sorts of crap. In fact at 5:30am this morning he sent 8 consecutive messages! Even pictures of himself after the gym, the sky... To his sky I replied " nice view, mine is my pillows because It's 5 fucking thirty am and I'm sleeping!" he replied "trying to tempt me in to bed you little temptress?"
What on earth would you say to a bloke like this? I'm dumbfounded. My replies this week (if I've actually replied) have been sledgehammer blunt. He may be academically intelligent but he's a social retard... what the hell do I say?!
You don't say anything. Just ignore. Eventually he'll get the hint.
Good lord, I don't know what to say, but I'd keep hammering away with "I'm not interested in seeing you again" a few more times, then stop responding.
If he won't stop let him know it's harrassment.
I'm sure more posters who are more blunt than I am will be along, but whatever you do, don't meet again!
Nothing - dont reply to his texts. He sounds incredibly creepy to me. If you engage with him you will give him hope so just ignore him.
I don't want to see you again.
You don't actually have to say anything else! You don't need to justify yourself in any way.
I would say just ignore him, but he now knows where you live, so he may show up at your house if you just don't reply to him. So you are probably going to have to be very clear indeed.
Why on earth were you replying to all his texts though? Especially the 5.30am ones?
Personally, I think a 'fuck off' would probably suffice. And be more assertive next time. He really took the piss, don't get sucked in like that again.
Turn your phone off at night.
Block his number (as suggested above).
Good luck: he sounds dreadful.
Even after ignoring him for 3 days he continued to send me messages all day long.
He even sent one saying he was at a pub and his friends wanted to know where I am and asked after me (people I do not know and have never met). I'm getting the feeling he thinks we are in a relationship.
Coca - I phoned E and they say they do not block numbers apparently.
Callisto - I thought replying was rather making it obvious. I'll be honest, I am worried about saying "Fuck off" because he does know where I live and I have received a few drunken "Your place is closer than mine " texts.
God he sounds like Percy from Blackadder.
I don't think he's socially awkward at all, he's deliberately ignoring your very clear signals that you aren't interested and is pushing to see what he can get away with, which is actually pretty creepy. He's counting on you bring too nice to say fuck off.
Rather than ignore, I would suggest sending a final message saying something along the lines of "I'm not interested, please don't contact me again". If he persists, then repeat and threaten him with the police (if you do this you must be prepared to follow through) - this will be enough to deter the basically well meaning but socially inept types.
Tell him to fuck off to fuck off and then ignore everything he sends you from now on.
And next time, when it's time for someone to leave your house, stand up and say "Well, it's been nice, time for you to go." and open the door.
actually I think if you know anyone who knows him, get them to have a word.
If not, then you are going to have to be really blunt in a polite, but firm way - leave out the swearing as it clearly doesn't work! Just say, look, Quentin (or whatever he's called)
I'm sorry but after the night we spent together you're really not my type - and I've met someone who is, and I'm pursuing a relationship with them, so please could we call it a day.
Or something. Invent a boyfriend or a 6ft 10 brother.
You have to be very direct. Next message say I'm sorry but this isn't going to work out. It was lovely to see you after so long but I would rather we didn't see each other again. If he texts again block his number although of course (not wanting to worry you) but he knows where you live so if this guy has a bit of stakler attitude as it sounds like he does.... you may have to threaten to report him to the police. Some guys get the hint but just don't care that you're not interested and they just think if they keep at you, you'll give in for some peace. To have that attitude then it must have worked for them at some point in the past. You have to be blunt because they will use any sound of hesitation as a weakness - let's face it - he's obviously very attracted to you, you paid for his meal and then he thought he could get a bed for the night probably with a few extras thrown in. His thinking is he's onto a good thing here and won't take no for an answer unless it's rammed down his throat so to speak!
Send him this text. 'I do not want to see or hear from you again. Do not make any further attempts to contact me. If you do not leave me alone I will report you to the police for harassment.'
And when you have sent it, ring your local police on the non-emergency number, tell them that a man you have had one date with is pestering you and you are concerned that he might turn up on your doorstep and cause trouble.
He may fuck off, of course, but if he doesn't then the police will take a complaint seriously. They will have a word with him and if he continues to bother you, they will arrest him. It's OK to do this, if it becomes necessary. You don't owe this many anything.
My replies this week (if I've actually replied) have been sledgehammer blunt.
What have you said to him to get rid OP?
If you've seriously told him bluntly not to contact you again i would be mentioning the police to him. Have you still got the texts you've sent him telling him to leave you alone?
I'm a bit confused how you manage to carry the date on for so long when you felt it was awkward from the beginning? Maybe the fact that you had him over til 4am on your first date made him feel you were interested?!
He does still sound like a pain. Just tell him you are not interested. That's all he needs to know. Then ignore him.
Sorry, I didn't mean to come across as flippant with my 'fuck off'. If he really creeps you out and you have a bad feeling about him I would keep a copy of the texts that he is sending just in case you need to go to the police at some future point (really don't want to scare you here either, and it probably will just fizzle out). Blocking his number is fine, but sometimes it is better to know what a nutter like this is thinking.
I think the best advice is 'ignore, ignore, ignore' and hopefully you will never see him again.
And next time, NEVER let a man come back to yours on a first date.
Yes he sounds like a wierdo but it also sounds like you were unassertive and very unclear. As others have asked, have you actually said/texted the words "I don't want to see you again" or not? I get why you don't want to be rude but it sounds like you are being too polite and he is too fucked up to get the message. Plain speaking is called for.
Also, I hope you have learned some new ideas as to how to get rid of someone - having them stay till 4am is madness.
Please could we steer clear of implying OP is at fault for "allowing" this in any way? It's not her job to manage this mans behaviour.
I would do as AnneNonimous says. And then report him to the police if he harasses you further.
What Solidgoldbrass and flippinada said.
He knew you probably felt uncomfortable, but he relied on you being too polite to say 'go home'
Some men, unfortunately think that a date = sex.
You don't have to do anything you don't want to do, saying no isn't rude, it is exerting your free choice.
Please could we steer clear of implying OP is at fault for "allowing" this in any way? It's not her job to manage this mans behaviour
Exactly. I hope to god some contributors here never appear on a jury at a rape trial.
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