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to think SIL would want to come on a family days out?

(67 Posts)
FuckOffMrBloom Tue 23-Apr-13 14:43:15

Months ago we all talked about taking the same week off in the holidays and doing some days out all together with the DC, we have three and they have one. So, things like swimming, trip up to London on the train, Legoland etc.

It's now emerging that SIl isn't planning on actually coming on any of the trips, she is a SAHM and plans to use the time as childfree time while we go out with all the kids.

This really changes the dynamic that I had in my head of Dh and his brother, all the children together and then me and her.

She said that Legoland etc will be boring because she doens't do rides confused, well, nor do I really but the whole point is watching the DC on them, surely? She won't come swimming because she hates it and has never taken her DS, tbh I don't mind that as much, but then she won't come to London or the beach because she doesn't fancy it.

I'm starting to feel like I'd rather cancel the whole thing and just do stuff with my DH and DC because otherwise I'll feel like a bit of a spare part to DH and his brother.

I'm quite irrationally pissed off by it, tbh. It's a bit weird, isn't it? Or is it just me?

We get on really well, by the way, and see each other a few times a week, so I don't think it's because she doesn't want to spend time with me.

What do you think? AIBU?

2rebecca Tue 23-Apr-13 21:56:20

I would tell her that you're disappointed she isn't coming and that if she'd made that clear in the beginning then you probably would have done something else but thought it would be nice to chat to her and are disappointed you'll be tagging along with the men and stuck looking after tiny kids as she has bailed out. She has been honest with you why not be honest with her.
I wouldn't book any more extended family trips and if my SIL did this would feel disappointed that she didn't enjoy my company enough to come.

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Apr-13 21:32:11

I'd get your DH to change the week he's got off.

WafflyVersatile Tue 23-Apr-13 21:28:32

definitely cheeky.

I'd suggest a change so that her and BIL take all the children at least one of the days and you and DP take all the children one of the days. That way you and your DP get kid free day or two, and she doesn't entirely get off with being so cheeky.

maddening Tue 23-Apr-13 21:14:08

do any of your friends fancy coming along - one with 1 toddler/no dc- then you can leave the men with the older and go off and have chats and drinks with your friend?

yanbu also - she is cheeky.

FuckOffMrBloom Tue 23-Apr-13 21:01:16

Nope, definitely all of us.

Dh and his brother work together so there's no real call for them to spend extra time together. It was definitely all arranged as the two families doing lots of day trips together during the week. I think she's just decided she doesn't want to.

I am miffed. But cba to give it much head space. It's her loss.

DeWe Tue 23-Apr-13 20:54:53

Are you sure the original idea in her head wasn't the two men go off with the children on their own? That would be my idea.
She may be going "duh! How can sil have got the wrong end of the stick like that. The idea is the brothers spend time together. How can I explain to her that us going wasn't in the plan?" <awaits sil's aibu>

And at legoland, unless the dc are over 130cm you will be needed to go on all bar about 2 rides with them. (Duplo train and driving school and .... no I can't think of any other rides they can go on...)

If it was me and my sister going with the dc we'd be happy for our dh's to come, but not feel they had to. Actually if it was a week of outings, I think me and my sister would do some on our own out of choice.

DesperatelySeekingSedatives Tue 23-Apr-13 19:22:43

YANBU I think your SIL has been very sneaky and underhand. I would scale back the days out with BIL to maybe one day and spend the rest of the week doing stuff just you and your family unit if SIL isnt going to join in. Why should you trawl round Legoland/the beach/etc with her kid (it'll be chocka in August!) while she gets to hang aorund doing her own thing because she is a cheeky fecker?! hmm

reelingintheyears Tue 23-Apr-13 19:18:40

So it was SILs idea and now she's bailing?

Sounds like she engineered a few days off for herself.

JustinBsMum Tue 23-Apr-13 17:44:24

OP, just say, oh, I hoped you'd be coming along as company for me! I don't fancy going on my own, let's forget it.

Then do what you want with DCs, but August will be busy.

Sounds like she wants a break from her DC, it will be school hols after all.

CherylTrole Tue 23-Apr-13 17:20:11

Think OPs SIL is looking forward to waving goodbye to her DH and child and watching Desperate Housewives boxset, eating loads of chocolate, having a quiet house to herself, shagging the gardner, being on facebook/MN 24/7 etc,etc. Nice work OPs SIL!!

BlueberryHill Tue 23-Apr-13 17:13:55

Oh, I've been in a similar situation, only it was PILs bringing over our DN, so we had 4 children to look after instead of 3. Whilst they helped, it was still more work for us than when we have our three on our own.

And SIL and BIL had a day and night child free at our expense. Lovely.

BlueberryHill Tue 23-Apr-13 17:11:11

I'm a SAHM and I think she is taking the piss.

That's because to do what she is doing I would be putting all the care for those days on my DH. Before anyone makes any comments about, they are his children etc etc, once he is home from work, a stressful job he parents with me 50/50, so where would his time for himself be? We have three children under 6 so it can be a handful at times.

Sorry but all things being equal, she can get a lot of 'me' time and time to do things when her child is at school.

Maybe keep a couple of the days with BIL and DN but have the rest as family days out.

PoppyAmex Tue 23-Apr-13 17:11:08

"Unsure why SIL needs time off givem she doesnt work"

Kurri, no I actually I was answering the quote above. I don't assume anything about anyone and that's exactly my point, a lot of assumptions were made about this woman and her husband, but hey ho.

ENorma that's a ridiculous statement, you have no idea what's "challenging" for other people, the problems they might have and their personal circumstances.

ENormaSnob Tue 23-Apr-13 17:04:07

Respectfully piss off yourself poppy.

Sil has one kid that's at school. Not exactly challenging.

KurriKurri Tue 23-Apr-13 17:00:38

Poppy I hope your piss off wasn't directed at me because although I completely disagree with you I have not at any point criticised SAHM's or the job they do which can be, as you say, tiring and difficult (though perhaps easier when they get to school age though children vary of course in how easy they are to look after).

But you seem to have seen 'SAHM' and assumed it meant 'saint' and 'can do no wrong'. People can be SAHM's and lazy, selfish and entitled, (just as people who work out of the home can be), - they are not mutually exclusive. Surely we should judge people by their behaviour, not by their job description? And this woman has behaved selfishly.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 23-Apr-13 16:53:05

Why didn't you ask her why, if she doesn't like those places, did she suggest them and make it seem like you were all going?

PoppyAmex Tue 23-Apr-13 16:50:16

I get that OP, you're right.

I wasn't having a go at you, just at the general attitude towards fathers and now SAHMs grin

FuckOffMrBloom Tue 23-Apr-13 16:48:09

Considering it's not until August, I know for a fact it's not any of those reasons. Except possibly Jeremy Kyle, but then she could watch that any day of the week.

The conversation was between all of us and went from 'We've never taken DS swimming, shall we all go?' to 'Lets all take the week and do all these other things together'. All at her instigation. This was months ago.

And then she just randomly dropped into conversation yesterday that she wasn't joining us for any of these planned excursions, and indeed had never intended to, along the lines of 'God, why would I go to Legoland, I don't do rides so it'll just be boring'.

She hasn't said it's because she needs a break, just that she'll stay at home and do gardening or shopping. Which is what she does all week while he's at school, no difference at all.

I'm going to go because I was actually looking forward to a week of days out with the kids. It's just that I thought we'd planned it so that I'd have SIL to bounce off, and I'm all crabby because she#'s totally changed the dynamic of it.

PoppyAmex Tue 23-Apr-13 16:43:17

Oh the typos <sigh>

Those if you who said that

And 60 hr weeks

PoppyAmex Tue 23-Apr-13 16:40:16

Look, it's entirely possible your SIL said to her husband: "Let's cancel Legoland because I have my period/want to watch Jeremy Kyle/just had a miscarriage/don't fancy it anymore" and your BIL insisted on going and spending time with his brother and his SIL.

We don't know why she's not going but all this talk about how you'll be stuck with her child is annoying because the father will be there.

Also she doesn't deserve a break because she's a SAHM? To those you said that I respectfully tell you to piss off. I have done 60 week high stress jobs and 1 year at home and I know which is more draining.

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 23-Apr-13 16:33:37

I'd just follow her (very sensible!) lead and stay at home. Pack of your husband and hers with the kids and bloody relax for the day!

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Apr-13 16:32:08

oooh, slatternlymother has a point - I can see it now, they'd love to have some "couple time" that week he's off, and they never get time together, and it's only one more DC, you cope with extra ones as a childminder all the time...

slatternlymother Tue 23-Apr-13 16:24:44

YANBU, why did she arrage it if she can't stand any of the places you're going?

You say that BIL will be there, but you watch; tickets will be booked and BIL will suddenly be 'ill'. And of course, you can't let your DN miss out, not now they're expecting to go, it'd be soooo unfair. hmm

Sorry, but I've seen this sort of thing happen before on MN, and unsuspecting mums just 'suck it up' because they don't want to let the DC down.

HappyMummyOfOne Tue 23-Apr-13 16:15:26

Personally i'd cancel the lot and just go with your family given she has clearly changed her mind about going.

Unsure why SIL needs time off givem she doesnt work, perhaps she wants her DH to have unstructured time off and realised the plan may have been a little too much.

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Apr-13 16:08:47

YANBU - she's arranged this then pulled out because she doesn't fancy it? Cheeky. So now either it'll be you tagging along on your DH and BIL's dad's day out or your BIL feeling like he's tagging along on your family day out.

I would change the week so it's not the same week BIL has off, but maybe have a day or two on the weekends when BIL and your DH can go off and have a Dad's adventure day with all the DCs and you put your feet up. Make sure those days are ones where your DH can cope with your 3 without you there too - generally the sort of plans you will make when you think you'll have both parents are different to when you have one.

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