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to think SIL would want to come on a family days out?

(67 Posts)
FuckOffMrBloom Tue 23-Apr-13 14:43:15

Months ago we all talked about taking the same week off in the holidays and doing some days out all together with the DC, we have three and they have one. So, things like swimming, trip up to London on the train, Legoland etc.

It's now emerging that SIl isn't planning on actually coming on any of the trips, she is a SAHM and plans to use the time as childfree time while we go out with all the kids.

This really changes the dynamic that I had in my head of Dh and his brother, all the children together and then me and her.

She said that Legoland etc will be boring because she doens't do rides confused, well, nor do I really but the whole point is watching the DC on them, surely? She won't come swimming because she hates it and has never taken her DS, tbh I don't mind that as much, but then she won't come to London or the beach because she doesn't fancy it.

I'm starting to feel like I'd rather cancel the whole thing and just do stuff with my DH and DC because otherwise I'll feel like a bit of a spare part to DH and his brother.

I'm quite irrationally pissed off by it, tbh. It's a bit weird, isn't it? Or is it just me?

We get on really well, by the way, and see each other a few times a week, so I don't think it's because she doesn't want to spend time with me.

What do you think? AIBU?

QuintessentialOHara Tue 23-Apr-13 15:19:06

Why dont you follow her lead? See it as your day off, surely your dh and his brother can manage four kids between them?

diddl Tue 23-Apr-13 15:24:58

Sometimes though, things seem a good idea when you say them & then reality sets in.

I mean, if the idea is for the kids to be together, she doesn't really need to be there, does she?

She sounds like me-Legoland & days out with kids-hated it unless it was just us 4 tbh.

PoppyAmex Tue 23-Apr-13 15:26:55

"But YANBU because I also suspect her DH thinks 'Oh it'll be fine because FuckOffBloom is a CM so she can manage the kids.'"

Or... maybe the child's father is planning on looking after his own son?
Why would you assume a man would want to palm off his child? hmm

FuckOffMrBloom Tue 23-Apr-13 15:30:42

I've no worries at all about being left to look after the dc, Dh and his brother are both very hands on.

It's just that they'll spend the whole time talking about guitars and lego and programming and yaaaaaawwwn, and I'll be left on my own with toddler ds2 while they take the three bigger ones on rides, and tbh it's just nicer to have the two couples dynamic rather than just me and the kids and the men.

KurriKurri Tue 23-Apr-13 15:40:36

YonilovesChachi - I never suggested that being a stay at home mum did have a bearing on it - I suggested that others who may either work or also be sahp are equally entitled to want me time, - but you can't always have it when you want it, sometimes you have to do boring stuff with kids. And to assume that some else will just pick up the slack and look after your kids for you if you pull out at the last minute is rude and entitled.

To be frank I have very little sympathy for the 'legoland is boring, I don't like swimming, painting is messy', school of whinging, suck it up or pay someone else to entertain your children. Why should children be made to feel that you find spending time with them boring?, they have to tag along to enough boring stuff that adults do without the choice of crying off.

squoosh Tue 23-Apr-13 15:43:11

She's crafty. Suggest all these days out and then conveniently ducks out to lie at home on the couch watching her favourite box set and eating Pringles.

Sounds great, but it's very cheeky.

PoppyAmex Tue 23-Apr-13 15:43:40

"And to assume that some else will just pick up the slack and look after your kids for you if you pull out at the last minute is rude and entitled."

Again, the child's FATHER will be there. There have been known cases of fathers capably looking after their own offspring.

AprilFoolishness Tue 23-Apr-13 15:43:58

It's not the man-woman issue Poppy, it's because there are two siblings who will inevitably want to catch up and one childcare professional.

PoppyAmex Tue 23-Apr-13 15:47:46

That's rubbish.

Even the OP admitted that both men are hands on and will entertain their respective children so the OP will only be left with her ds toddler, so no additional responsibilities.

I get that it's annoying for the OP and it's not how she idealised the situation, but it's not cheeky of the other woman - her husband is going and is looking after their DC who will spend time with cousins.

ENormaSnob Tue 23-Apr-13 15:53:36


I didn't think you were unreasonable even before your updates tbh.

She arranged something, allowed you to book leave and is now cancelling and changing the whole dynamic of the original plans.

KurriKurri Tue 23-Apr-13 15:56:20

It's nothing to do with the man woman issue, it's to do with someone saying they would do something (in fact instigating the whole scheme)then backing out of it and letting other people do it for her, I'd say the same if it was the Dad who'd agreed then backed out, because it was boring and he wanted me time.

If you don't want to do something say so at the time don't mess people around because it's rude and selfish.
But apparently rude and selfish is OK if you are a SAHM???? (I have nothing against SAHM's - I was one for many years, I know they work hard, but so do lots of other people, hardness of work is irrelevant, this is not SAHM issue, it is a fulfilling your commitments issue),I would never instigate a plan and then back out and expect other people to accommodate my whims, maybe I am old fashioned in considering that to be bad behaviour.

squoosh Tue 23-Apr-13 15:57:12

Definitely cheeky.

squoosh Tue 23-Apr-13 15:58:01

Disingenuous even.

diddl Tue 23-Apr-13 15:58:46

Was she thinking that it would be just you, her & the children, OP?

Has time been booked off?

What would she fancy doing-what was she suggesting, or was it a general "days out"?

digerd Tue 23-Apr-13 16:02:29

YANBU for all the reasons the posters on your side wrote.
Did you tell her how disappointed you were and had been looking forward to the family day out which was her suggestion?

ENormaSnob Tue 23-Apr-13 16:04:34

Well said kurri.

She's a sahm to one school aged child.

Sounds to me like op is way more deserving of break.

Cantbelieveitsnotbutter Tue 23-Apr-13 16:05:32

I think one day out is ok to swerve but not the whole lot.
I don't do rides but I take ds to legoland, I can't swim but take ds swimming, and do you know what I actually enjoy myself because ds is enjoying himself.

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Apr-13 16:08:47

YANBU - she's arranged this then pulled out because she doesn't fancy it? Cheeky. So now either it'll be you tagging along on your DH and BIL's dad's day out or your BIL feeling like he's tagging along on your family day out.

I would change the week so it's not the same week BIL has off, but maybe have a day or two on the weekends when BIL and your DH can go off and have a Dad's adventure day with all the DCs and you put your feet up. Make sure those days are ones where your DH can cope with your 3 without you there too - generally the sort of plans you will make when you think you'll have both parents are different to when you have one.

HappyMummyOfOne Tue 23-Apr-13 16:15:26

Personally i'd cancel the lot and just go with your family given she has clearly changed her mind about going.

Unsure why SIL needs time off givem she doesnt work, perhaps she wants her DH to have unstructured time off and realised the plan may have been a little too much.

slatternlymother Tue 23-Apr-13 16:24:44

YANBU, why did she arrage it if she can't stand any of the places you're going?

You say that BIL will be there, but you watch; tickets will be booked and BIL will suddenly be 'ill'. And of course, you can't let your DN miss out, not now they're expecting to go, it'd be soooo unfair. hmm

Sorry, but I've seen this sort of thing happen before on MN, and unsuspecting mums just 'suck it up' because they don't want to let the DC down.

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Apr-13 16:32:08

oooh, slatternlymother has a point - I can see it now, they'd love to have some "couple time" that week he's off, and they never get time together, and it's only one more DC, you cope with extra ones as a childminder all the time...

ImTooHecsyForYourParty Tue 23-Apr-13 16:33:37

I'd just follow her (very sensible!) lead and stay at home. Pack of your husband and hers with the kids and bloody relax for the day!

PoppyAmex Tue 23-Apr-13 16:40:16

Look, it's entirely possible your SIL said to her husband: "Let's cancel Legoland because I have my period/want to watch Jeremy Kyle/just had a miscarriage/don't fancy it anymore" and your BIL insisted on going and spending time with his brother and his SIL.

We don't know why she's not going but all this talk about how you'll be stuck with her child is annoying because the father will be there.

Also she doesn't deserve a break because she's a SAHM? To those you said that I respectfully tell you to piss off. I have done 60 week high stress jobs and 1 year at home and I know which is more draining.

PoppyAmex Tue 23-Apr-13 16:43:17

Oh the typos <sigh>

Those if you who said that

And 60 hr weeks

FuckOffMrBloom Tue 23-Apr-13 16:48:09

Considering it's not until August, I know for a fact it's not any of those reasons. Except possibly Jeremy Kyle, but then she could watch that any day of the week.

The conversation was between all of us and went from 'We've never taken DS swimming, shall we all go?' to 'Lets all take the week and do all these other things together'. All at her instigation. This was months ago.

And then she just randomly dropped into conversation yesterday that she wasn't joining us for any of these planned excursions, and indeed had never intended to, along the lines of 'God, why would I go to Legoland, I don't do rides so it'll just be boring'.

She hasn't said it's because she needs a break, just that she'll stay at home and do gardening or shopping. Which is what she does all week while he's at school, no difference at all.

I'm going to go because I was actually looking forward to a week of days out with the kids. It's just that I thought we'd planned it so that I'd have SIL to bounce off, and I'm all crabby because she#'s totally changed the dynamic of it.

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