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Why is this bugging me? Am I just being a dick?

(199 Posts)
AnonAndOnAndOn Tue 23-Apr-13 09:02:05

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CheerfulYank Fri 26-Apr-13 18:48:30

I think the "we have DSD a hell of a lot" was only said because, if he only has her alternate weekends or something, he might want to do this with her.

But as he has her four days a week, it's not like he never sees her.

olgaga Fri 26-Apr-13 17:05:48

And many of us find it odd that he would prefer to take the child to a very adult occasion which isn't really suitable for her over his DP who, it seems, is permanently placed very low on his order of priorities.

Yes I find it odd too, it's not something I would take a 5yo to, but I suppose it depends on the child - and on the GM who is doling out the free tickets. Perhaps she enjoyed the day out with her DS and GD last year and would like to do it again.

I am assuming the occasion falls on a day when he would normally have DD anyway.

But when OP and the DP have three days a week to do what the hell they like, really - what's the problem? They can arrange all sorts of nice things to do together during that time.

VoiceofUnreason Fri 26-Apr-13 15:35:34

olgaga - yes, it is. And many of us find it odd that he would prefer to take the child to a very adult occasion which isn't really suitable for her over his DP who, it seems, is permanently placed very low on his order of priorities. But at the same time, some of the postings aimed at the OP are, quite honestly, bang out of order.

pigs - you are spot on with that last paragraph of yours.

olgaga Fri 26-Apr-13 15:11:44

Children don't always have to have their own way

This isn't about the child having her own way. It's about the DP wanting to take the child rather than OP.

pigsDOfly Fri 26-Apr-13 15:06:09

OH for god's sake. Nowhere in her post does the OP say she resents the time her DP spends with his DD.

She's a 5 year old child who it appears has no interest in tennis, what the hell is the point in a child taking up what is actually quite an expensive seat at an all day event that she will no doubt be chronically bored with. So she can have strawberries and colour a bit? as someone up post said.

The OP would love to go to this event with her partner and have a lovely adult day out. Why does that make her childish and petulant and all the other nasty things she's being told.

Children don't always have to have their own way, they don't always have to be prioritised over adults when it comes to having a day out. It's no wonder we have a generation of such entitled selfish young men and women growing up if they have always been made to feel that they have to be pandered to over everyone else.

olgaga Fri 26-Apr-13 14:47:48

Sounds like us Begonia.

DH will take the day off work now and then and we'll go for a nice pub lunch or something. DD has the occasional sleepover and we are able to go out for a meal in the evening. We reciprocate, but the other parents have other children too and so they don't get to go out in the same way.

If you don't have family around you it's just not possible.

I see cards in local shops around here advertising babysitters at £5ph minimum, £8ph after midnight.

Even if we did that, I can't see how you could afford to do it regularly!

BegoniaBampot Fri 26-Apr-13 14:25:04

we have the odd babysitter but really not that often at all and that is just for a few hours not enough for a weekend away. No family near and now that the children are in school we do stuff together through the day. The kids have only ever been away from us both at the same time for a few nights over a 11 yr period.

olgaga Fri 26-Apr-13 14:16:19

Just to clarify - the point I was making was that it appears OP and the DP have the DD four days a week.

That's three days a week when they currently don't have any children at all.

If that's not enough for OP now, what's it going to be like if/when she and OP have a child/children of their own?

I was saying they have plenty of "couple time" now - they don't need to worry about babysitters.

olgaga Fri 26-Apr-13 14:09:15

But do you really never get a babysitter ever, year after year?

Well no! We've started to go out more as a couple since DD(12) started to do the occasional sleepover. But GPs are all dead, no family nearby, and friends all have their own families - they never use babysitters either!

We all help each other out for things like medical appointments or emergencies, but babysit each others' children? No. Never asked to, never been asked to.

We've always been happy to go out and do things as a family while we can - it's not as though it lasts forever.

We seem to get plenty of time together as a couple in the evenings. I guess it depends how old you are, and how long you've been together!

Where do you find all these babysitters anyway?

adeucalione Fri 26-Apr-13 13:58:11

OP - she won't be allowed on any of the show courts, and doesn't need a ticket to access the other areas. So you can have the ticket, problem solved!

VoiceofUnreason Fri 26-Apr-13 13:51:46

Madonna - I agree. And I think it is very unhealthy not to spend some quality time just as a couple and not to put your partner first occasionally. That can manifest itself in all sorts of ways, from running them a hot bath and doing all the housework and putting kids to bed while your partner pampers themselves to - shock, horror - going away for the weekend while grandparents or favourite aunt and uncle look after the kids (which the kids would probably ADORE).

trixymalixy Fri 26-Apr-13 13:40:26

fiftyval unless they are in Scotland, where the schools will be on holiday.

I would be pissed off too OP. Centre court tickets would be wasted on a 5 year old.

MadonnaKebab Fri 26-Apr-13 13:32:20

I'm baffled by people saying they literarily have no time to do any adult stuff for years & years
Sure kids come first most of the time
But do you really never get a babysitter ever, year after year?
Is that martyrdom, not wanting to be alone with your partner, what is it?

olgaga Thu 25-Apr-13 19:33:07

OP you say the DSD lives with you and DP most of the time.

There is surely scope then to do things together some of the time.

Make the most of it. If you have your own children you will have no time at all to do any "adult" stuff - not for years and years.

BegoniaBampot Thu 25-Apr-13 18:53:13

ok - i got totally sidetracked by the whole is wimbledon suitable for a five yr old thing.

rereading you posts OP I can see that it looks like you really might not be suited to a relationship where the father is serious about being a good father to his child. it was where you mentioned that he wouldn't forgo his four days of contact even if you had the chance of a nice weekend away. Why should he want to not see his daughter and why would he want to possibly really disappoint her to put someone else first. i don't think you really get that. Being a parent often means you do put your children first, especially when they are still quite little. Husband and I are still waiting for our romantic weekend away after nearly 11 yrs because we have kids and it hasn't really been possible to just up and leave them.

Might be better if you do try and find someone who can put you first - nothing wrong with that.

2rebecca Thu 25-Apr-13 17:54:58

I agree that if your partner is the main carer for his daughter you either accept that or leave. i wouldn't have wanted to stay with my husband if he'd resented the time that my kids were with us and wanted to see less of them.

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 25-Apr-13 16:40:16

<But it does speak to a wider issue which is that we have DSD a hell of a lot of the time.>

I think that is the crux of this

JamieandtheMagicTorch Thu 25-Apr-13 16:26:35

I agree with VerySmallSqueak, YABU.

And he took his daughter last year, and it can't have been as bad as all that, or he wouldn't do it again.

Numberlock Thu 25-Apr-13 15:55:31

Spot on Growlithe.

Numberlock Thu 25-Apr-13 15:54:49

But it is relevant that Wimbledon isn't appropriate for a 5 year old, of course it is! The fact he wants to take his dd and never do anything coupley with the OP is, imo, odd.

It's irrelevant whether you think it's odd or not. He wants to take his daughter to Wimbledon over his partner and they can never go away together as a couple. How much clearer can he make it short of spelling it out? He's not the man for her, they are at different life stages.

Growlithe Thu 25-Apr-13 10:20:26

Whether or not you think it is right or wrong that the guy treats and prioritises the people in his family in this way, I don't think he is going to change.

FWIW I don't think I would enjoy taking my nearly 5yo DD to Centre Court at Wimbledon, and keeping her quiet all day. But the fact that she is his companion of choice without considering this says it all about who is at the forefront of his mind.

The OP needs to come to terms with how she feels about this now, and how she will feel further down the line when she has DCs of her own. It's a gamble as to how his priorities will work then.

VoiceofUnreason Thu 25-Apr-13 09:58:12

^ This.

A child's NEEDS and WELFARE should take priority but this does not mean - nor should it, in a strong, healthy relationship (whether step or otherwise) - that one partner should ALWAYS placed second or last.

lottieandmia Thu 25-Apr-13 09:48:53

But it is relevant that Wimbledon isn't appropriate for a 5 year old, of course it is! The fact he wants to take his dd and never do anything coupley with the OP is, imo, odd.

I expect the OP would have got far different replies if the dd was hers biologically. I don't think this is about the fact that she's her step parent but people are making it about that, specifically.

Numberlock Thu 25-Apr-13 06:40:06

OP - this man really isn't for you. You need someone who doesn't have children. That can give you the one-to-one time you want.

It's irrelevant whether you or anyone else thinks Wimbledon isn't appropriate for a 5 year old. He wants to take her, that's all that matters. His day with his daughter will be spoiled if you make him get up early to queue for a ticket for you.

And in the future this will replaced by other issues of him doing stuff with her that you think he should be doing with you. Add another baby to the mix and the situation will get much worse.


fiftyval Wed 24-Apr-13 15:41:10

On a purely practical note, I don't understand why the OP's dp's mother is asking which date to get the tickets for. There is no way she would get free tickets for finals day , so there is only one Saturday available. I presume they must be looking at a Saturday given the little girl is 5 years old and therefore should be at school on all the other days.

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