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aibu to be a little disappointed or am I grabby, ungrateful and entitled?

(67 Posts)
cheltenham84 Tue 23-Apr-13 00:02:46

Bit of background. dh is main earner in household. I work very part time. Dh often gets good bonus's. When he gets them he often treats himself and the dc. This year he brought himself an I pad and spent extra on xmas presents for dc. (ie they got tablets too)
So whilst i can use the ipad when he isn't around everything is of course set up for him eg facebook accounts etc so before christmas I said I was going to get a tablet but never did bother.
More recently he has worked out that there is something which the IPAD doesn't do which others can (over my head)
So lo and behold I am getting a tablet as my birthday present from dh and everyone else who would buy me a gift (ds let it slip) Now I know it's an expensive present and I am sure many people would love to get one but can't afford it
So am I ungrateful or right to feel a little disappointed.

AdoraBell Tue 23-Apr-13 02:01:33

I get what you mean, my OH will suggest or sometimes go ahead and buy something expensive for me becuase he can then justify spending large amounts of money on himself. Most of the expensive stuff he's bought me, including this iPad, I could easily live without and never actually wanted, but I've got it now so he can have X, because that's fair.

YANBU OP, I would be inclined to say thanks but no thanks, I'd much rather have X inexpensive gift, and then go get what you want at a much later date. And remember to tell everyone else that you don't want the iPad. Then if you decide to buy it, you changed your mind.

AdoraBell Tue 23-Apr-13 02:08:04

Or whatever tablet he has planned for everyone to buy jointly. Sorry I'm clearly too tired to make sense, I'll go now and leave you sensible people to your discussionblush

ApocalypseThen Tue 23-Apr-13 06:50:50

I think, since you don't officially know about the iPad, you should be clear that this birthday, you want a lovely diamond necklace (or whatever). Get the iPad again sometime, but definitely don't let him get you a birthday present for himself.

lougle Tue 23-Apr-13 07:12:50

I agree that this is a Homer's bowling ball situation.

Why don't you just say 'I don't want a tablet for my birthday'?

maddening Tue 23-Apr-13 07:24:27

Say you want an ipad and only an ipad and make sure that anyone Chipping in knows that too.

Or as pp say you want something else rather than a pad and then treat yourself to an ipad when you fancy it.

Hissy Tue 23-Apr-13 07:33:31

So he's basically getting himself a new tablet, but justifying getting it by giving it to you as your only birthday present from the family?

That is crap. Poor you! YANBU.

DaffodilsAhoy Tue 23-Apr-13 07:33:45

I would just be blunt. 'Dh if you want a new tablet why don't you have the one that suits your needs and I'll have your iPad, now for my birthday I thought of a few things ...'

He is being a cheeky fecker. Also, don't be a martyr about the treats for him and the dc, speak up. 'Since you are having x and the dc y, I thought maybe I'd get z for me, is that ok?' should do it.

AThingInYourLife Tue 23-Apr-13 07:35:49

There are two problems here.

1 your husband leaves you out of the treats he buys for everyone in the family

2 your husband is using your birthday as an excuse to manipulate your friends and family into subsidising something he wants for himself.

Both things show your husband to be mean with money, unkind and unappreciative of you.

I think you need to have a serious conversation with him about what a selfish, self-serving prick he is being.

I also think you need to blow the lid off this "secret" present bullshit and tell everyone that you don't want a tablet for your birthday.

ajandjjmum Tue 23-Apr-13 07:41:42

When he gives it to you say 'oh here's my bonus gift - that's great - thanks. So where's my birthday present?' Me PA - never!!!

gallifrey Tue 23-Apr-13 07:47:34

we needed a new laptop a few years ago and it was my birthday so dh wrapped it up and gave it to me as a birthday present. So it's my laptop then yes? No it's everyones..

AThingInYourLife Tue 23-Apr-13 08:24:25

This is worse than Homer's bowling ball.

At least Homer paid for his bowling ball himself.

Commandeering all the money family and friends might be thinking if spending on the OP to get himself a tablet is a real fucking cheek.

Particularly as a tablet is a present that he can get with subsidy just because he fancies one.

But his wife can only get one (for him to use) for her birthday if everyone chips in and she gets nothing else.

I am always amazed by the little ways some spouses try to exoit their mate.

What a prick.

GilmoursPillow Tue 23-Apr-13 08:31:12

If you get it, password it and don't tell him what the password is.

niceguy2 Tue 23-Apr-13 08:37:34

I think this boils down to again how money is perceived in the relationship. Do you have joint accounts or is the money split? I suspect the latter which is usually quite unfair to the woman whom is usually the part time worker.

Personally I've tried both and I much prefer it now where my fiancee & I just both have a joint account and we talk to each other and agree what the money is spent upon. There is no my money, her money. Just our money. If I get a bonus, in effect she's getting one too.

CocacolaMum Tue 23-Apr-13 08:38:06

Gilmours that is EXACTLY what I was going to say!

AThingInYourLife Tue 23-Apr-13 08:49:08

But even if money is separate, why would he buy everyone else a treat from the bonus but not his wife?

Why would he refuse to buy her a birthday present equivalent to presents he buys himself and expect her family and friends to subsidise it?

You can have separate finances and not be a mean, tight-fisted wanker.

Toasttoppers Tue 23-Apr-13 09:29:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mercibucket Tue 23-Apr-13 09:36:04

yup, password it grin

but actually, i think you share the blame here, if you have joint bank accounts. dh bonus is coming up - start planning your treat. why does he have to buy you one? you dont buy him his treat from his bonus money, he chooses it himself. why dont you get one as well? it is not his fault if you hold yourself back from spending money

if you dont have joint bank accounts, then you should asap, and he is a dick, and i would never tolerate that for a second!

DeckSwabber Tue 23-Apr-13 21:42:10

When the tablet arrives, ask for the receipt and exchange it for what YOU want.

MyThumbsHaveGoneWeird Tue 23-Apr-13 21:48:03

When my DH gets a bonus he says "what shall WE spend it on?"

pigletmania Tue 23-Apr-13 21:54:33

Goidness op where do I start. Ths man des not respect you or appear to love you. To tell everyone not to get you anything is a real cheek and quite nasty just because he wants to get you something tat he can use. It's nt his business to say what oters can get you! I would tell him straight

pigletmania Tue 23-Apr-13 21:59:01

Asking people to chip in for your birthday resent from him what's fecking cheek. If that was him he would buy it himself, he does not appear to care fr you

alwayslateforwork Wed 24-Apr-13 04:48:41

Piglet, the poor guy knew the op was intending to buy herself an iPad with the bonus money before Christmas and was fine with it. The fact she didn't get round to it, and is now sulking because he is buying her one (and not the one she wanted) hardly means he doesn't love her or care for her. Sure, it might be a gift of convenience, but it isn't as if he's bought her a new iron especially for her to use on his work shirts.

He's probably entirely baffled. If she was that desperate for an iPad, she could have bought it herself four months ago with his blessing.

Far too often women leave themselves last in the treat stakes and convince themselves they don't deserve it, or oughtn't to bother, or feel guilty about treating themselves, and put their husbands or kids first.

'Before Christmas I said I was going to get myself a tablet but never did bother'

How that translates to 'he doesn't care for you or love you' I can't imagine.

It's rather more the op not caring about herself enough and putting herself last.

Only on mn could a dh buying a tablet for his wife's birthday end in discussions of financial inequality and suggestions that he doesn't care or even love her.

pigletmania Wed 24-Apr-13 07:26:07

If his I pad did do everything he wanted would he still buy op a tablet hmm

tumbletumble Wed 24-Apr-13 07:31:02

I am a SAHM while DH works long hours. His bonuses are spent on the whole family including me.

CockyFox Wed 24-Apr-13 07:40:32

I know this isn't the point but why do you all need a Ipad/tablet. We have one computer for the family and take turns. Do you all use them at the same time? As for Ipads my parents have one and everyone has a play with it if they get a chance.
We don't have mine and yours in this house as my mum used to say.

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