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AIBU?

AIBU to think this is cruel?

16 replies

Thespace123 · 22/04/2013 22:04

Hi
Looking for honest opinions please. My sister is currently going through a marriage breakdown as her husband has had an affair. They have two dc aged 13 and 15 who go to boarding school weekly. She feels that she should tell the children about the split ( only happened 2 weeks ago) next weekend and her husband thinks they should wait until the start of the school holidays. Whilst I appreciate she is angry and so am I on her behalf I think she is being cruel for two reasons: i) it is her ds birthday that Sunday ii) they will go straight back to school without time to deal with any of their worries. So am I being unreasonable in thinking she should wait until they break up for the school holidays which is at the end of May?

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NeoMaxiZoomDweebie · 22/04/2013 22:06

Well it's really not your choice. I understand that you're involved somewhat.....but you're not in a position to have a say. If your sister has asked your opinion and you've given it, that's all you can do really. That and support her and her DC as much as possible.

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ImTooHecsyForYourParty · 22/04/2013 22:09

i agree with you.

The children are going to need their parents to support them and to talk all this through and I'm not sure they can do all that in a weekend.

i can't imagine dropping that on them and packing them back off to school. They'd really struggle.

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Thespace123 · 22/04/2013 22:09

Thanks yes I do know it's not my place to get involved and I haven't said anything, I am just worried she is so angry (understandably) and that this could have a really negative effect on the kids.

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LynetteScavo · 22/04/2013 22:10

I don't think it's cruel. At 13 and 15 they won't be oblivious to bad feeling between their parents. Will they really not notice their parents haven't split up every weekend for the next 5 weeks?

Hopefully the school will be able to help them through this difficult time, and in fact may be able to offer more support than their parents who are struggling with their own issues.

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Trill · 22/04/2013 22:11

I think a 13 yr old and a 15 yr old will notice that something is wrong and it is better to tell them the truth.

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Thespace123 · 22/04/2013 22:12

Thanks, honestly I am genuinely interested in hearing if IBU and other opinions x

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squoosh · 22/04/2013 22:12

Hmmm, not sure, at 13 and 15 you pick up on every frisson of tension in the family. Quite hard to actually conceal things of such magnitude. Depends how good the parents are at acting.

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Monty27 · 22/04/2013 22:13

If it was my dc's or in fact my dn and dn I'd prefer a wait.

But they are the parents.

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MammaTJ · 22/04/2013 22:16

At 13 and 15 they will know there is something wrong and be upset if they do not understand it. The timing is not great, so I understand where her bastard cheating husband is coming from, but that is his problem, not theirs. He could have maybe waited a few months before being found out!!

They are not stupid at this age, or indeed any age, tbh. Kids will pick up on bad feeling.

They have to be told. I agree with your DSis.

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Heinz55 · 22/04/2013 22:17

I went to weekly boarding school and spent every week fretting over the health of my parents so while they might be totally different characters and may not be so affected I'd have been distraught going back to school. All you can do is offer advice and maybe it is what she wants (or maybe it isn't)

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HorryIsUpduffed · 22/04/2013 22:22

They can tell staff so that when the DC go back they will have support. That's what pastoral care means.

If a grandparent died in term, you wouldn't keep the news from them until the holidays. A divorce may be upsetting and confusing but the children will have friends in a similar position, and a school set up to support them.

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DumSpiroSpero · 22/04/2013 22:37

I can see where you're coming from but at those ages I really think honesty is the best policy. I'm sure the school have measures in place to support children in this situation, and they may find it easier to be out of the crossfire, engaged in school life and surrounded by friends.

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CloudsAndTrees · 22/04/2013 22:53

I think it depends where they are at in the marriage breakdown. If they are planning on one of them leaving the family home, then I think the children deserve to know as soon as a firm decision is made.

If they come home every weekend though, it seems a bit mean to do it on one of the children's birthdays when they could just wait a weekend.

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Thespace123 · 22/04/2013 22:58

Hi
Thanks for all the opinions so far! Good to hear other perspectives. My aim is to support my dsis and her dc as best as I can so just wanted to get other peoples opinions. Please keep them coming as it is really helping me see both sides.

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DumSpiroSpero · 22/04/2013 23:01

Do agree with clouds that waiting until after birthday weekend might be an idea, although that's no guarantee that a teen won't end up fuming about their birthday celebrations ask being an act a week later tbh.