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to be worried about mine and DH relationship?

(35 Posts)
MoodyDidIt Mon 22-Apr-13 19:31:46

firstly, i love him so much, i adore him, he is gorgeous and he feels the same about me

but lately things are going wrong relationship wise

we have recently had a house move, was a mutual exchange to a council house that needed (and still needs) a lot of doing up. we have spent absolutely loads and are skint, really skint.

i am also pregnant with DC3 (its our second dc together, i have dc1 from prev relationship). although was planned, am very tired and emotional. im also suffering quite bad with depression (i posted about this the other week)

as i am shit with DIY and also PG, so he has been doing all the work on the house, every night after work he has been painting, laying floors, plastering, putting things together, building the kids beds, you name it. so i have been doing all the childcare and cooking and cleaning etc

i feel like irritated and angry with him all the time for no reason, we havent had sex for 2 weeks either. i feel ugly and fat whenever i am PG anyway so i don't FEEL like sex even though i want it. but cos we havent done it for so long it feels all weird when he tries it on.

we need a break from the kids and he keeps saying it too, even just an afternoon. but its like he always leaves it all to me to sort out every time we do anything just the 2 of us and it PISSES me off sad just once i want him to say, oh my mums having the DC on saturday (or whatever) and i dont have to organise the fucker all the time

anyway its been like this for weeks. we have never been like this before, when we were first together we were absolutely on fire, and i mean for liek the first 3 years even, not just the initial honeymoon period. we have only been together 5 years, i always thought we were "different" sad

minibmw2010 Mon 22-Apr-13 19:35:47

So you're hormonal and not feeling yourself? And he's working all hours that exist to try and get your house into some kind of decent living standard?

You both need to chill out a bit !! Of course you go off sex, or feel differently about it, it's a bit childish to assume you won't or that things will always stay exactly the same. It's called life and it gets in the way sometimes. That's not to say it won't get back to that in time.

But give him a break too, some men are doers, not organisers. If he's working so hard on the house, give him a break and organise the afternoon yourself. It's for both your benefit isn't it?

minibmw2010 Mon 22-Apr-13 19:45:45

And if he's your 'DH' maybe it's a bit nicer not to think of him as 'the fucker' ... it doesn't exactly encourage you to be nice when you think of someone like that.

CreatureRetorts Mon 22-Apr-13 19:48:12

Well you're pregnant, tired and hormonal. This is normal and it doesn't put you in the mood.

You've got loads to do to your home, you're busy etc so of course you're feeling like this.

I don't think for a second that any couple is happy 100% of the time.

phantomnamechanger Mon 22-Apr-13 19:54:21

You're both tired and under a lot of stress - it is better that "you time" suffers rather than the family - as long as you can both acknowledge that things are tough - a nice kiss and cuddle is all it takes to keep you "bonded" and secure and remind you things will one day get back to how they were.

And 2 weeks, really is nothing, DH and I have recovered from much longer periods of no sex and no us time. It's not like your DH is down the pub off with his mates or gaming online - he's a great partner and dad, doing his best to provide for you all.

Tell him. tell him he's great and gorgeaous and he'll compliment you back and you'll both be reminded WHY you are in this together.

Fluffy1234 Mon 22-Apr-13 20:09:14

How about having a weekend of from the DIY and have a nice day out with the DC and cook a meal or have a takeaway once the DC are in bed and just enjoy each others company. The DIY can wait.

MoodyDidIt Mon 22-Apr-13 20:15:51

And if he's your 'DH' maybe it's a bit nicer not to think of him as 'the fucker' ... it doesn't exactly encourage you to be nice when you think of someone like that

oh god i didnt mean HE was the "fucker"

i meant it as in organise the fucker as in organise the babysitting blush hard to explain, its a regional slang thing, hope it makes sense! i just typed everything out really fast like i was talking to a mate or something

Wannabestepfordwife Mon 22-Apr-13 20:48:00

I'm in a similar sort of position dp and I have just moved into our first house which needs loads of doing up. He's working 6 days a week and doing up the house while I do cooking cleaning and looking after dd who has bronchialitus.

We have no family near so one night a week when dd is in bed we get a takeaway or a dine in for two both make a bit of an effort and watch a film.

We also give each other lots of affection like I will scratch dp's head and back in bed and he will give a good spooning session I think affection when your tired is a really good way to stay connected and feel intimate

MoodyDidIt Tue 23-Apr-13 10:17:24

i guess i just miss the earlier days of our relationship

when we were first together i was interesting. i was at university, i was in a band, i had a great social life. it was easier as i only had one DC. i was younger, sexier, skinnier, more carefree, more fun. i had lots of men after me and i knew i was a catch (sorry to sound bigheaded) but i am not now.

i am happy with having another DC and another one on the way but i don't want to turn in to some boring, miserable drudge and i dont want to be one of "those" couples (that we always used to swear we would never becoe) that argue and bicker, have nothing in common but the DCs, never have sex and are really boring

DH split up with his exW mostly because thats how their relationship had become, and i dont want us to go the same way

but thanks for the ideas

Wannabestepfordwife Tue 23-Apr-13 14:00:58

Hi op how you feeling today?

I bet your still sexy and your definately still young.

I know it will be hard with 3 dc but maybe getting back into performing after your baby will help if it makes you feel sexy, interesting and empowered

DeadWomanWalking Tue 23-Apr-13 14:18:36

OP you need to give yourself and your DH a break. Marriage is as much fun as it is hard work. You've just moved house which is one of the most stressful things in life to do, and now you're both trying to get the house sorted with no money, no real time and you're pregnant and you already have 2 little ones. I feel exhausted just reading about it.

You don't even necessarily have to get a babysitter. Me and DH don't really have anyone to babysit, and we rarely have money to go out. We try to have a "date night" at home every now and then. Can you and DH do something like that? Put the kids to bed early, get him to have a break from the DIY for one night, cook a nice meal, share a bottle of wine and maybe watch a DVD together.

MoodyDidIt Wed 24-Apr-13 10:21:17

hiya wannabe still feeling pretty shit.

i had a go at dh this morning cos he had put my house keys somewhere and i couldnt find them. its just silly petty stuff like this we keep bickering about.

i know if we were having (a lot) more sex we would be happier. cos when we are having it a lot we seem way more loved up

as for getting a babysitter, we do have to, because that seems to be the only time we ever do it!! as we are shattered by the time we go to bed (esp me) and no chance in the mornings other than weekends but our kids literally will not give us two mins to ourselves and always get up early, demanding stuff.

i sound completely sex obsessed don't i? blush i just think its so important and as i said the first few years we were at it ALL the time. and i think back to my last PG (i got pg quite early on in the relationship) we were doing it every day then, even the day before i had DD! but we have done it 3 times since we found out 5 weeks ish ago. so why is it different this time?

i feel like he is ripe for an affair. sorry for slight dripfeeding, but he is in a band, most weekends he is out gigging in packed pubs, it would be so easy for him. and he is so good looking. and i wouldnt blame him as i just feel so boring and ugly.

sorry to go on. i am so sick of feeling like this

QuintessentialOHara Wed 24-Apr-13 10:28:08

I am going to sound extremely harsh now, but why did you plan to have a third child if you dont want to be a boring frumpy nagging mum?

You clearly dont trust him.
You dont trust your relationship.
He broke up with his exwife because their relationship became less hot and more normal.
Now you are scared because Real Life and Family life with kids have finally knocked on your new door. Less sex, less money, diy. Sorry honey, this is life. If you did not want it to turn out this way, you should not have planned a third child.

woopsidaisy Wed 24-Apr-13 10:30:23

Moody, " he is ripe for an affair?"!!!!
If he has an affair 'because' you were pregnant and not having so much sex that would make him an arse wipe. Anyway many people have sex with their partner * and* have affairs.
I could not live with feeling I had to have sex all the time to keep my DH! This thinking is deluded IMO.
I have found that DH and I may have a phase where we bug each other, but it passes and you come out the other side. To me that is marriage.

ENormaSnob Wed 24-Apr-13 10:36:04

Moody, I really think you could use some counselling or something.

I also think you'd be better to post in relationships for advice in that department.

Sorry to hear you are feeling shit, hope you soon feel better x

MoodyDidIt Wed 24-Apr-13 10:42:29

it wouldnt be just because i am pg and not having as much sex. its because i feel i am turning into a mardy arsed boring bitch and because our life together is boring atm sad

its not that i don't trust him, i don't trust in myself that i am "good enough" to keep him. and i know that is really unhealthy, but it comes from ME, and my low self esteem, not him. he is really loving towards me and i just push him away

(and he didnt break up with his ex cos their relationship was "normal" they broke up for many reasons but the main ones were because they were arguing all the time, didn't get on, both bored and unhappy with eachother and i think the lack of sex would have stemmed from that)

i dont feel i HAVE to have sex to "keep" dh, i WANT to have sex because we enjoy it and it makes for a happier healthier relationship. i also feel more attractive when i am having lots of sex so the opposite is also true and is a vicious circle, as the less attractive i feel, the less i want it

and this I am going to sound extremely harsh now, but why did you plan to have a third child if you dont want to be a boring frumpy nagging mum? - is it always the case then that having 3 dc turns you into that? i hope not!!

Callisto Wed 24-Apr-13 10:43:45

You do sound very 'me, me, me'. And also very immature. And as Quintessential says, why on earth are you having another child if you can't cope with the two you have?

MoodyDidIt Wed 24-Apr-13 10:50:34

ok callisto, points taken on board, i am not going to take offence because i have come on here for honest advice. but in what way do i sound immature?

and i never said i couldn't cope with the 2 dc i have?

MerryMarigold Wed 24-Apr-13 10:52:23

This is deep stuff to put in AIBU rather than relationships. If you want a reaction, you may get some you don't like! I think what you're feeling is normal. He is doing a lot and so are you. I think you need to put your relationship first for a bit. Stop the DIY for a bit - it won't kill you the way it was, even if it's just for 2 weeks, stop and breathe and YOU arrange the babysitting without keeping a tally of 'I did this, he did that'. You're clear about what you want, but pregnant or not, you need to put some effort in to get it. And yes, if you are used to lots of sex, then little is going to make you feel more distant and result in bickering. Prioritise it a bit as well. Push through the weirdness and make some 'set' days (even if it's just in your head) so you're not just going with how you feel.

Flobbadobs Wed 24-Apr-13 10:52:42

No being pg for the 3rd time doesn't automatically turn you into a frumpy nag, but it can exhaust you in ways you never expected.
18 months ago I was pg with our third and we were doing up our new house, top to bottom. I'm not great with DIY myself but managed to do most of the painting (stopped when the bump started to get in the way and wipe the paint off the woodwork grin) how old are your other Dc's?
Can they get involved in doing up their house in some way? We spent some pretty happy evenings with all of us doing bits in the house, radio on full blast and a takeaway later on. Me and DH were like ships in the night at the time but it helped us to stay close, having a laugh and a sometimes silly time together reminded us of how close we actually are as a family and as a couple. Frankly if you need to organise the babysitter then just do it, present it as a done deal and go from there.
YANBU to be concerned but IMO it is something that can be sorted, going off your posts.

MerryMarigold Wed 24-Apr-13 10:56:01

I think you can come across as immature because you want life to be exciting and fun all the time. It's not! Maturity is pushing through the difficult times, accepting they exist FOR A TIME and sticking with things. If it's hard now, it will be even harder with a newborn! But it will pass. Hanging in there is a big part of growing up - I'm only just learning it and I'm nearly 40 so it's not just to do with your age.

MerryMarigold Wed 24-Apr-13 10:57:43

Flobbadobs, that such a happy picture - great idea!

thistlelicker Wed 24-Apr-13 10:58:15

Sounds like alot of stressing with the house and pg. you sound very insecure! You do not need to have sex to feel sexy. Sorry u just don't! U DOnt need to have see to keep your man either. Sounds like u need to make a bit of time for each other! Perhaps a councillor to work on the self esteem!

thistlelicker Wed 24-Apr-13 11:00:25

Sex not see!

quesadilla Wed 24-Apr-13 11:14:41

Sorry you are a bit low... To be honest two weeks without sex during pregnancy is nothing. Plenty of people have absolutely no sex at all during pregnancy. My sex life pretty much dried up in the last 3 months of mine. It doesn't have to work this way but its very normal. I certainly wouldn't feel that you have to be having sex a certain set number of times.
Based on what you have said here it doesn't sound as if your relationship is on the rocks, it just sounds like you are both tired and stressed and need a break. Talk to DH, tell him how you feel and see if you can swing a free weekend. But be realistic about the pressures a pregnancy puts on relationships too - it's always tough on even the best ones.

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