To be angry with "d"h for taking drugs when I have taken drugs before?(18 Posts)
DH and I are 28. We got into the party screen in 2007-2008, since then I have smoked weed every now and again but not for ages now.
DH never really stopped, recently just got off benzos, in the past few years has literally done every drug you can think of. 2 months ago we both decided to go totally sober no alcohol no drugs. He has a history of crisis, suicide attempts, self harm, depression, anxiety, etc. Also has aspergers.
He has promised me 7?8?times over the past few years that hewill stop taking drugs. Silly me iI thought this time it was forreal.
Anyway, yestyesterday he was talking about how much he was enjoying being sober and how nice it is that he doesn't constantly cause drama anymore.
3am I get woken up by him saying he has taken lots of opiates and magic mushrooms, he can't breathe he has passed out, anaambulance is on it's way. He was physically fine, just having a panic attack. Ambulance comes, I apologise to them profusely. He goes to a and e (no I did not go with him, I've spent enough time in hospital with him).
He comes back and apologises, then says "well you have smoked weed before we can't all be as good as you" very much poor me, look what I've been through, I'm tired etc etc.
AIBU to expect him to grow up stop acting like a twat and act like a married man not a teenager? Or do I not have a leg to stand on as I have taken drugs in the past?
You've lost the moral high ground, but of course YANBU to be angry with him for taking drugs. They're illegal and dangerous.
Ignore the stupid who's better argument and think about what you want. He is taking dangerous amounts of drugs. He is in contact with scary people (a couple of steps away from organised crime). He is using NHS resources for no good reason.
It doesn't matter who is 'right'. What are you going to do?
Sorry to hear about your experiences this weekend. I think there's "taking drugs" and being addicted. I think your DH falls into the latter category. I'm not condoning drug-taking but most people will be like you - have tried in the past but it doesn't really appeal any more. Going to A&E once (nevermind on more than one occassion) sets off warning signs. He has an addiction and needs to get help - though only he can decide this. very sorry for you both but however angry you get however grown up you expect him to be he won't change unless he wants to. I hope you don't have any DCs - don't be fooled into thinking getting married, having kids, getting older will necessarily make him more responsible.
Do you have children?
Piss poor example, anyway.
But look, you both got together and were idiots and were risk takers, he wouldn't never have shacked up with you if you were a straight goody two shoes. It's you that has (apparently) changed, not him. You can't decide what he will and will not do, and if you aren't happy with a drug taking twat any more (you obviously were at one point) then move on.
You can't force him to stop, and for whatever reason, he doesn't want to.
You have just grown apart -presumably a few years ago you would have been quite happy with what he had taken.
you have grown up and he hasn't just hope that you don't have any kids at the moment as this is shocking example for them. realise though that some people never grow up. MN is littered with AIBU like this involving people in their 40,s 50,s and older who just keep on taking and cant understand why they/their lives are crap. up to you now. either you give him another try and work out ways to get off drugs once and for all or you cut your losses and move on. only you can decide this though as only you know how much you love him and how many years you can put up with this for.
I agree with always and mummym
the only other thing I have to say is that it always depresses the hell out of me when I hear 'the party scene' or 'we partied' used as a euphemism for excessive, hedonistic drug taking. It's pretty insulting and smug to assume that you've never 'partied' until you've stuck a ton of illegal shit up your nose and behaved like a tedious wanker.
I'm with TheRealFellatio on this one.
My heart sinks when I hear of grown people behaving like this and the thought of kids being anywhere near makes it sink even further.
Either leave this 'man' who can't grow up, or offer to get him some help. Why anyone wants to live in such a way is beyond me but really, you have a choice. You can stay and put up with this, or you can leave if it continues.
No kids, I would never bring a child into this environment. Your right as well, should have said the drug scene not the party scene.
He won't accept help, he's had loads of therapy before.
I don't know what to fucking do. He had like a year of drugs, thats when I took him back and we got married and I stupidly thought we would live happily ever after, what a fool. It's our one year anniversary in June. I have no one to blame but myself for believing that this kind, generous, funny, loving person I married would stay that way.
I will tell you what my now DH told me when I said that about ex-H, "I would never bring a child into this environment". He said then you shouldn't have been there. Opened my eyes, that did. If you wouldn't have a child there, get out, you deserve better.
It sounds like you used to have the same interests when you were a bit younger and that was fine. Now you have matured and left that all behind. He has not.
It sounds like you want very different things OP. I can't see it working out when your lives are obviously on quite divergent paths. That in itself is a valid reason for splitting
Well ,as a"party animal ,consumer of loads of drugs in days gone by ,to the extent it became a massssive problem, when i was discussing it with a friend ,friend pointed out " you start off with fun ,then you add drugs then you have even more fun, then you have problems ,then you have drugs and problems ,but no fun> and u end up with big problems .please do not think i am in judgement ,i am not ,yours is a shit place to be , only the bloke can stop himself, usually, in my experience ,after their really really big overdose.
Now he critises me for getting angry and not being there for him when he needed me.
You know the sadest thing about this? I can't live without him.
Yes you can live without him. It just feels very frightening contemplating it but I think you have to.
If he was 19 with little sense of consequence this might be remedied as he grows up. Trouble is, he has grown up. He is nearly 30. His body can't take it. He needs to stop. Or there are probable very unpleasant consequences for him in terms of his health, if nothing else.
Of all the long term 'party goers' I knew, they either stopped as they got into their thirties or their lives spiralled down the toilet. I am not convinced there is a middle ground.
I think there is a middle ground - DH and his mates, at 40, will smoke a bit of weed every now and again, and about once a year for a very special occasion do a couple of pills (although DH says he won't do it again after the baby's born) and they're all happy, functional blokes with good relationships and jobs they enjoy.
That's not the point though, OP's DP is nowhere near the middle ground. I sympathise with the feeling that you can't live without him, I've been there. 12 years on, I'm not living without him, I'm just living. He's so far into the past that he doesn't feature any more. It's hard, but you're stronger than you know - look at you, you've quit drugs with no support at home.
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