My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

AIBU?

To not want my son to spend equal time with his dad?

56 replies

mrspinkspanx · 22/04/2013 07:49

My eldest son is from my previous relationship and is now 11 years old.

His dad is now asking for him to stay every other week with him. Which I've initially responded with a no.

Currently we have a every other weekend arrangement, where he'll stay from Friday to Sunday eve, and one evening every week where he goes for a few hours.

I want my son to have a place he calls home, so not fitting with a 50/50 arrangement.

I deal with all his school, medical and emotional needs and I don't know how I can now divide this. I also feel implementing this at 11 is too late and disruptive.

Also, my ex got my back up by saying that now his daughter is at school age their home life is accommadating for him to be able to do this. So it made me feel like this is an idea based on convenience.

Should I reconsider?

OP posts:
Report
Freddiemisagreatshag · 22/04/2013 07:50

What does your son want?

Report
Crawling · 22/04/2013 07:52

At 11 Its your ds choice imo.

Report
Altinkum · 22/04/2013 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mrspinkspanx · 22/04/2013 07:53

He has mixed feelings on this.

OP posts:
Report
McNewPants2013 · 22/04/2013 07:54

Depends on a lot of factors, school distance would be a huge factor.

Report
kim147 · 22/04/2013 07:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 22/04/2013 07:59

My gut feeling is that it's too late to implement it. If a child has grown up with the arrangement, I can see it working but not at 11.

Can weekday contact be increased? eg his father picks him up from school on Tuesdays and Thursdays (random days!) and drops him back? Or even one overnight mid week.

Report
livinginwonderland · 22/04/2013 08:00

it depends how practical it is. i had friends whose parents divorced when the youngest was two, and they did a 50/50 arrangement and loved it, but it was also really practical. both parents had jobs that allowed them to do school drop-offs/pick-ups and the kids loved it.

however, your son is eleven, not a toddler. if he doesn't want to go to his dads every other week, he shouldn't have to. leave it up to him, but if HE wants to, you shouldn't say no. he has a right to spend equal time with his father.

Report
mrspinkspanx · 22/04/2013 08:02

My son's dad lives nearby, and walks past his dad's house on his walk to school.

He is also a very anxious child and only opens up to me about things. His dad has a "man up" attitude, so I have concerns with this area as well.

Plus my husband doesn't like this idea either.

OP posts:
Report
Freddiemisagreatshag · 22/04/2013 08:04

Your husband's opinion is utterly irrelevant.

Report
fluffyraggies · 22/04/2013 08:05

How long have you been split from your ex OP?

11 seems late to be starting 50/50 care. I agree that unless carefully handled that arrangement could lead to the child feeling rather without a firm home base.

In a couple of short years your DS is going to be starting to organise his won social life - that will have an impact on where he feels he wants to spend most time. Friends nearby etc.

Report
kim147 · 22/04/2013 08:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MortifiedAdams · 22/04/2013 08:06

Could you suggest a months trial - let your son be the driving force as to whether it becomes permanent.

Report
McNewPants2013 · 22/04/2013 08:07

I would just stop all arranged contact now, and let ds take the lead.

Report
kim147 · 22/04/2013 08:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 22/04/2013 08:08

"Stop all arranged contact?"

on what grounds??

Report
fluffyraggies · 22/04/2013 08:08

won = own!

xposts - his social life wont be affected if you live nearby then.

It sounds as though your DS may need help in voicing his opinion. Will he feel able to say no to living with his DF 50/50?

Report
Freddiemisagreatshag · 22/04/2013 08:09

Be careful that your son isn't telling you what you want to hear.

Report
kim147 · 22/04/2013 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Altinkum · 22/04/2013 08:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Galangal · 22/04/2013 08:13

I think it can be done. What I would question is his motivation. Why is it suddenly possible now and not before? Is it because he doesn't want to pay maintenance? I don't see what difference his other child starting school has to do with it.

Report
mrspinkspanx · 22/04/2013 08:23

Maintenance isn't really an issue here. In that we've always been flexible.

My husband has helped me raise my son since he was 3, and has been very supportive.

As my son has got older, we've become more flexible, and have found my son wanting to spend the odd extra night. We did go through a stage of him not wanting to go, but this has passed.

My main concern is my son's happiness, and I would never stand in his way of seeing his father more. If I left the decision to him, I'd worry that he is too young.

OP posts:
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

UC · 22/04/2013 08:28

I think you need to talk to your son. Don't make a unilateral decision either way about an 11 year old without consulting him.

I don't agree that 50/50 care of an 11 year old can't work. It can, if it's what your son wants to do, and as your ex lives nearby there are no practical issues. My DSSs live 50/50 with us. They are 12 and 10. The 50/50 care started when they were 9 and 7, so not that different to your son. It started because DP and I moved in together, and he was then able to have his children with us during the week as I was there. I guess that may have looked like it was "at DP's convenience" - but actually it was what DP had always wanted, but it only became practically possible at that point. He always wanted to be more involved in their daily lives, and it was great that he was finally able to do that. His ex has been supportive all along, although I know she found it really hard in the beginning.

If your son doesn't want it, and wants things to stay the same, then you need to help him in explaining this to his dad - if you just say no, your ex will assume it's you saying no, not your son.

Report
UC · 22/04/2013 08:29

He could do a trial period to see how he feels of course. It doesn't need to be set in stone.

Report
Groovee · 22/04/2013 08:34

As you live so close to each other I can't see why it couldn't work that your son spends more time with his dad. Why should you get to have him all the time with dad having set days. Maybe he could go for tea more nights a week and stay over and extra couple of days.

I think you, your ex and your son need to sit down and discuss this.

My dd's friend has 2 homes where she has her own room and both parents are very flexible going with her needs, usually 3 nights a week at dads and 4 at mums and they arrange it round her and what their plans are. She also gets to go away with both parents separately. They show an example of no longer being together but being able to work together putting their child first!

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.