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AIBU to think it's not just my responsibility?!

(42 Posts)
SingleMumAtTimes Mon 22-Apr-13 01:41:59

NC'd for this.

I live with my MIL, PIL and DP. We have DS together and we are saving up to move out, but it's slow-going. DP works 16 hours a week, mostly on a Saturday and then split up in two chunks over the rest of the working week. I'm currently looking for a job. We have the occasional clash but things are coming to a head quite quickly on this.

Everything seems to be "my" responsibility. Like Friday - we needed to take DS with us to the nearest town, 20 minutes away. We alternate lie-ins and it was my turn in bed. DP got up with DS, fed him and had his breakfast etc, and then I got up an hour later. As soon as I came down DP said "we need to leave in XX minutes, have you brought down clothes for DS?" I said no, didn't realize I'd have to, and DP said "oh, well you do. Can you get them please?". I went and grabbed some stuff from DS's wardrobe and then had breakfast.

As soon as I finished eating DP said "have you got the nappy bag ready?". I told him no because I'd been having my breakfast, and why hadn't he done it in the first place, only for him to tell me that the nappy bag is my responsibility. I got cross and told him that on the mornings he gets up later than I do, I don't bother him with idiot questions because I sort everything out in advance, and he told me that's why he just leaves it for me to do, and why should I assume he's done the same, only for me to start shouting and saying that I don't consider him to be a fucking idiot who's incompetent and unable to perform even the simplest of tasks.

It's such a small thing but it's really grating on me. I think his mothers' attitude of "womens work" is rubbing off on him slowly, because he was never like this before! It's something every day now, have you done this, that, the other? It's driving me fucking mad! AIBU?! I just want a partner who actually has a brain of his own!

SingleMumAtTimes Mon 22-Apr-13 09:10:01

FitzgeraldProtagonist - I almost cried laughing at that one.

He's on a fixed contract, no possibility of overtime because of the position he works. I'm currently unemployed and am registered with around 10 different job sites, receiving updates on any work in the area. I've also canvassed the three nearest towns/cities with my CV and application forms twice. We have a laugh about it and say that I work 16 hours a week simply looking for work!

In the next two years, another branch of DP's work is opening up closer to us, and he's been told he can keep his job where he is and do an extra 16 hours a week with this new branch.

Me and MIL get on great, but sometimes her attitude is very last century. I've been kicking up a heck of a stink about this and it's apparently MY attitude that's causing it. I've sat them both down and explained that I'm not a servant or his secretary, and that when he is in work I do the care of DS and the housework, but everything outside of those 16 hours a week is to be split 50-50.

He's doing the hoovering as we speak. Let's see how long it lasts!

And trust me, I don't like living with them any more than I'd like to still be with my parents, but unfortunately we're completely stranded, unless we want to be on Housing Benefit for the rest of our lives.

SingleMumAtTimes Mon 22-Apr-13 09:11:54

And MrsBertBibby - I don't react badly at all, because when he does do it he's brilliant at it! That's another thing I just don't understand, it's not like he screws up and I turn into a broom-whacking hausfrau who puts him in the naughty corner for forgetting the wetwipes!

squeakytoy Mon 22-Apr-13 10:03:04

"In the next two years, another branch of DP's work is opening up closer to us, and he's been told he can keep his job where he is and do an extra 16 hours a week with this new branch."

riiight.. so in two years time he will be able to double his hours, and STILL only be doing a part time job..

Why does he not look for another job now?

Lucyellensmum95 Mon 22-Apr-13 10:07:27

What Fitzgerald said!

Are you quite young? Could he or you, maybe retrain? Put yourself in a better position?

Phantomteadrinker Mon 22-Apr-13 10:13:36

Not sure why either of you needs a lay-in. Perhaps you should scrap the extra time in bed and get everything ready together rather than bickering about whose turn it is

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 22-Apr-13 10:15:31

What Squeaky said! He can't wait two years for another 16 hours!

BlackeyedSusan Mon 22-Apr-13 10:49:40

<pats mamma's shoulder> HE'S YOUR EX.

sarcasm... I am sorry I was not aware that you were so incompetant and unble to look after your own child.

alternatively, tell him that you do not find it attractive when you have to mother him.

SingleMumAtTimes Mon 22-Apr-13 11:36:27

He has been looking, but very halfheartedly. It was by sheer dumb chance that he scored the job he has. I'm looking at going back to college in September for one day a week to enhance my skills but that'll cost money...

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 22-Apr-13 12:43:31

Can you get a job Single? You both need to be working really....unless your baby is really small of course. But by the sound of it, you need to get out of his parent's house and that won't happen as things are.

MiniEggsJumpedInMyBasket Mon 22-Apr-13 12:56:07

I'd refuse to do the things he demands that you do. Re the clothes, I'd have said 'No I'm not getting them, there are plenty of clothes in his wardrobe for you to dress him in', or with the changing bag 'No, I've not done it, you'll need to do it'

He sounds a lazy arse tbh

FasterStronger Mon 22-Apr-13 14:16:51

how are you saving for a house on 16 hours per week for a family of 3?

do you pay his parents rent and for food?

SingleMumAtTimes Mon 22-Apr-13 14:24:01

No, we don't contribute, which makes me feel worse about things if I'm honest. We've offered, because with child tax credits we have a little more coming in than just his 16-hours, but they flat-out refused.

FasterStronger Mon 22-Apr-13 14:28:22

that is v tricky.

are you really making large enough savings for a deposit?
do you put money by every month?
have you calculated the number of months it will take to have sufficient a deposit?

you need to make sure your new home plan is viable.

SingleMumAtTimes Mon 22-Apr-13 14:37:27

We put money by automatically - every week a certain percentage of any benefits we get goes into the savings, as well as a certain percentage of DP's monthly pay. DP sorts everything on that side of things, but we're definitely depositing every month.

Dahlen Mon 22-Apr-13 14:38:48

I know it's not as easy as just "getting a job" (or one with more hours in his case) but this is an unsustainable situation. The longer it goes on, the harder it will be. Both your efforts at job-hunting aren't working (not a reflection on you) so you need to try something different.

Have you considered going self-employed as a cleaner or taking in some ironing? You could plan your hours around DP's job, and have the added bonus of making him take a more proactive role in DS's care.

IME, however, unless you can make the point well and get your DP to change his ways relatively soon, he will never change and this abdication of responsibility will simply get worse over time.

FasterStronger Mon 22-Apr-13 15:13:54

single - you need to know how much you save every month so you know how long it will take to save your deposit.

you need to know, so if it is going to take 5-10 years, you can come up with plan B.

don't be fobbed off - you need to know.

LIZS Mon 22-Apr-13 16:10:27

Sounds as if he has got a bit complacent on his 16 hour job . Promise of same again in 2 years isn't worth anything until it comes to fruition. Is it really so specific he can't do anything else, ask about promotion opportunities or look around for a job with more hours. Could you do cleaning or babysitting as well as college?

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