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AIBU to think it's not just my responsibility?!

(42 Posts)
SingleMumAtTimes Mon 22-Apr-13 01:41:59

NC'd for this.

I live with my MIL, PIL and DP. We have DS together and we are saving up to move out, but it's slow-going. DP works 16 hours a week, mostly on a Saturday and then split up in two chunks over the rest of the working week. I'm currently looking for a job. We have the occasional clash but things are coming to a head quite quickly on this.

Everything seems to be "my" responsibility. Like Friday - we needed to take DS with us to the nearest town, 20 minutes away. We alternate lie-ins and it was my turn in bed. DP got up with DS, fed him and had his breakfast etc, and then I got up an hour later. As soon as I came down DP said "we need to leave in XX minutes, have you brought down clothes for DS?" I said no, didn't realize I'd have to, and DP said "oh, well you do. Can you get them please?". I went and grabbed some stuff from DS's wardrobe and then had breakfast.

As soon as I finished eating DP said "have you got the nappy bag ready?". I told him no because I'd been having my breakfast, and why hadn't he done it in the first place, only for him to tell me that the nappy bag is my responsibility. I got cross and told him that on the mornings he gets up later than I do, I don't bother him with idiot questions because I sort everything out in advance, and he told me that's why he just leaves it for me to do, and why should I assume he's done the same, only for me to start shouting and saying that I don't consider him to be a fucking idiot who's incompetent and unable to perform even the simplest of tasks.

It's such a small thing but it's really grating on me. I think his mothers' attitude of "womens work" is rubbing off on him slowly, because he was never like this before! It's something every day now, have you done this, that, the other? It's driving me fucking mad! AIBU?! I just want a partner who actually has a brain of his own!

OutragedFromLeeds Mon 22-Apr-13 01:49:59


Tell him to do it himself.

MammaTJ Mon 22-Apr-13 01:52:03

Well, that's just it, isn't it? You want a 'partner' and equal, he just wants to be cosseted and looked after.

You need to chat to him about this, preferably away from his mother.

It didn't work for me with my ExH though, he still did bugger all. grin

SingleMumAtTimes Mon 22-Apr-13 01:55:02

It's every day now.

Have you changed his nappy yet?
Have you started dinner yet?
Have you ironed {clothes} for me?
Have youHave youHave youHave youHave youHave youHave youHave you!!!

MammaTJ Mon 22-Apr-13 02:01:30

I was ironing, right in front of the kettle, so made a cup of tea. MIL was visiting. I shouted D(now Ex)H 'Tea is made'. She told me I should take it in to him. I had made the fucking tea, I was doing the fucking ironing. Why the fuck could he not come and get the tea? Oh, I know, because he was her little prince and never got over it!!

I worked 48 hours a week to his 39 and he still moaned I did not keep the house tidy enough!!

Sorry, you have stirred my anger. I am mad on your behalf too OP.

Stop it now before it becomes too entrenched. Hopefully your DP will be more trainable.

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 22-Apr-13 02:02:22

I think the fact you're living with his parents has a lot to do with your problems, he's used to being "mummied". What are your chances of moving out (as a family, not LTB)?

OldLadyKnowsNothing Mon 22-Apr-13 02:03:43

Oh, and when he does the "have you...?" routine, say "No, have you?"

ripsishere Mon 22-Apr-13 02:16:09

YANBU. Even more annoying is the question 'have we...?'.
The 'WE" being me generally.
Have we paid the electricity bill this month?
have we filled the car up (generally two minutes before we leave)
Have we sent a card to whoever...

fairylightsinthespring Mon 22-Apr-13 06:49:01

I always reply, "Yes I have" to the "we" questions. When DS was a few months old and DH was going to take him out on his own I told him he had to pack the bag so he would know where things are. He was actually pretty nervous about it in case he forgot something so the first couple of times, AFTER he'd done it, I would go through and say "have you got.." but that's it, now he's on hi own. He did say this morning, oh the green towel needs washing, but has made no move to put it in the laundry bin or the washing machine, just sort of assumes it will happen.

pumpkinsweetie Mon 22-Apr-13 06:55:46

Tell him to stop being such a male chauvinist and get things ready himself like you do when he has his lie-in!
I know how you feel op, me & dh lived with pil for a while and for a few years he became almost childlike in his behaviour, he kind of regressed backwards.
Mind you, mil didn't help the situation as she would ask him questions like "are you being a good boy" and "I'll do it for you son" grrrr.
Just think hopefully you will be out of there soon!

Isityouorme Mon 22-Apr-13 07:23:39

Why isn't he working full time? How on earth will you save a deposit when heroes just 16 hours a week?

Iaintdunnuffink Mon 22-Apr-13 07:32:03


He's thought a out it and knows they need doing but still leaves it up to you.

BeckAndCall Mon 22-Apr-13 07:37:18

Sorry, can't get past the bit where you alternate lie ins, even on a weekday. And the fact that you only work 16 hours a week between you. I would have thought, that given you're in someone else's house as well - so lots of adults to do all of the housework and cooking etc - there'd be loads of time for both of you to get a nappy bag ready......

MrsBertBibby Mon 22-Apr-13 07:51:14

And how do you react when he does the nappy bag and forgets something?

eatyouwithaspoon Mon 22-Apr-13 07:57:53

I must agree with Beckandcall while what your partner does is annoying you only work 16 hours a week between you - plenty of time for one or both of you to have got bag ready in very good time.

fluffyraggies Mon 22-Apr-13 08:00:20

rips - at least you get a ''we''.

I get the have I sent that card, payed that bill .......

when we both know it was me! grin

FasterStronger Mon 22-Apr-13 08:04:56

you need to stop living with his parents.

you need to work more hours between you.

SoupDragon Mon 22-Apr-13 08:12:58

TBH, you aren't helping by actually doing the stuff - eg when asked to get clothes, say "I need to have breakfast, just go and grab something from the wardrobe"

lottiegarbanzo Mon 22-Apr-13 08:28:50

You need to talk it through, then adopt stuck record approach. Stay calm, don't shout, just say 'I am / have been busy doing x, would you do that', as a calm instruction, not a question.

It is really easy to get into these habits, especially early on, when one person can quickly become the expert on a particular task, the other reluctant in case they get it wrong. Reassure him he's capable, perhaps offer to watch while he does it, once, to confirm he knows what he's doing. Sometimes you do have to let go a bit and let the other person do things their own way, so long as it works.

expatinscotland Mon 22-Apr-13 08:32:37

'Have you changed his nappy yet?
Have you started dinner yet?
Have you ironed {clothes} for me?
Have youHave youHave youHave youHave youHave youHave youHave you!!!'

Why are you ironing for him? The correct answer is always, 'No. Do it yourself. I am not a skivvy.'

LIZS Mon 22-Apr-13 08:36:57

The longer you live with his parents the less likely he is to change . Can he find additional work ? Who is going to look after ds if you find a job , does he ever take him out alone ?

dreamingbohemian Mon 22-Apr-13 08:37:52

It sounds like your DP resents you for something (not working? some incident in the past?) and this is his way of passive-aggressively taking it out on you.

Not saying he is right to do so, but that's what it sounds like. Could you have a big discussion to clear the air?

malteserzz Mon 22-Apr-13 08:41:56

If he's only working 16 hours a week surely it will take you ages to save up enough money to move out ! Couldn't he get another part time job ?

NeoMaxiZoomDweebie Mon 22-Apr-13 08:42:55

Are you working OP? It's not good as a set up...both of you in his parents house and him only working 16 hours!

FitzgeraldProtagonist Mon 22-Apr-13 08:56:09

Love the responses along the lines of "get another job how will you manage"

Shit, they probably never thought about that hmm

Because all these jobs just grow on trees.

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